He wants me to move and get married but I have doubts
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
Ok- I have been dating a man for 3 yrs. He is 27 and I am 32 with two kids that are not his. He is very loving to my kids. I am in school and he wants me to move to another state with him when I graduate and get married. These are the issues and arguments I have with him that are giving me doubts...1. He only works to make enough money to get by. 2. When I am mad or sad he says "you have nothing to be mad or sad about. 3. When we are out he seems more interested in other girls that are around than in me. 4. Even though he knows i have two kids and I can't go out every weekend- he insists on making that a priority every weekend. 5. He chooses friends that don't work and have no goals in life. These are my main issues with him. He says he loves me and that I am the girl for him, and he show through his actions of sticking by my side and he never giving up on me. But I feel unhappy a lot and I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship, but at the same time he in a way makes me happy at times we share a similar sense of humor and we laugh at shared jokes and are affectionate with each other. Please give me some advice
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
1. What is 'get by?' Is it buying spaghetti-o's, a ratty apartment, and a junk car? Or does he have a house, sports car, and a dog? It isn't necessarily bad if he makes just enough to live comfortably - you don't need to be making five or six zeros over that 'comfort zone' amount to be happy.
2) This is the one you need to be concerned about. What does he expect from you when he is mad or sad? If he expects you to listen and help him, then turn the tables and mention what he says to you. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander. If he gets angry, remind him that if he wants 'good' treatment, he should treat you good as well.
3) What do you mean interested? If he's oogling and ignoring you, mention that this bothers you, and tell him why. If he isn't receptive to stopping the habit, it might be time to rethink marrying him.
4) Make it clear that you can't go out, and either he needs to have nights in with the kids or he won't be seeing you. While you do need to make alone time when possible, there is no reason he should be making demands without thought to you - that is selfish.
5) Are they still good, nice people? Unless they are druggies, booze hounds, murderers, etc. then don't worry about his friends. I'm sure he doesn't like all of your friends either.
As it is, looking at the problems you have with him, it looks like it may be a control issue. He is basically telling you how to feel (2) and what to do (4) with no concern to your thoughts or true feelings, let alone what your situation is. Those are not the actions of a loving, caring friend/boyfriend/fiance/husband.
Get counseling before even thinking of moving closer to him. Get even more before thinking about marrying him. If he refuses, dump him. At that point he is not good for you or your children, and will just harm you in the long run.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer