I love my boyfriend. But is it real or just routine? Am I right to have doubts?
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
I have been dating my boyfriend for two years and a half. We are both about to finish highschool and have plans to keep dating and maybe even move in later on in the future. We both fell in love quickly and everything was perfect at the beginning. we have been intimate and in a way I think that made us ever more attached than we already were and I don't necessarily see that as a good thing. I do love spending time with him but I always noticed he was a bit too posessive, jealous and insecure. I've always thought his behaviour was a result of low self esteem.We have been through a lot of good and bad things. We do fight a lot mostly because we can't seem to agree or compromise... It either has to be his way or my way... I have no problem giving in and letting him win but sometimes I feel it isn't fair...
We did break up for about 2 months and that was the longest we've ever been broken up for. I ended it because I found a conversation he had with some girl from work where they were flirting with each other. It wasn't anything major but it Hit me hard since there had been rumours of him cheating on me with this girl while I went away for vacation. During those two months I found it very hard to continue I fell into depression and couldn't focus on anything. I did manage to try to keep my head busy with school and this guyfriend I started to get close with but still couldn't get him off my mind. I also took the chance to participate in a school even where I danced salsa with a group of friends on stage (this is something my bf would never aprove of and he thinks it's not apropiate to be on stage having a guy touching you). After two months we got together again after a lot of drama... He was always holding the salsa thing against me and soon after I was accepted to participate on a beauty pageant and represent my Latin heritage. He threatened to break up with me and made me feel like I was a slut because according to him I was going there just to be rated on my looks and it was pointless. I went anyway but couldn't enjoy the experience to the fullest because I was always thinking of how angry he was at me.... Again he held it against me for a while and then got over it... It was a lot of fighting but I knew I couldn't let him hold me back... That stage did affect me and now I feel like I rather let him control him than fight against him and be unhappy... I know that is wrong but I don't know how to deal with things like that specially when he says I don't care about how he feels or how I don't consider his feelings... It makes me feel guilty when I'm not and I am overly sensitive so I fall into his manipulative ways most of the time... He is always asking my whereabouts who I talk to and what I do even when im at home.. He gets mad when I'm on msn or facebook... I've gotten so frustrated at the way he is I've even cried to him trying to make him realize that some of the things he does are wrong.... He usually avoids situations like that and he constantly ends arguments with a simple "I don't want to talk anymore this is ridiculous" and says bye... Our relationship is serious and I do see myself with him in the future I just don't want these things to continue and follow me to college. Don't get me wrong he isn't a monster... He has great qualities also... But the things mentioned above really worry me:.. I'd like advise on how to deal with situations like that, guiltrips, what to say when he is being too intrusive and when he wants to avoid things by saying bye... How could I show him that his behaviour is wrong.... And please give me more options other than "dump him" I can't see myself without him :(
You want advice on how to make the best of a bad situation.
The root cause of your problems seems to be his jealousy. And, as you stated, jealousy is usually caused by poor self-esteem. Start making a point of telling him you love him many times a day. Also, praise him whenever he does something good. Help him raise his self-esteem. Talk about your future as a couple. Tell him that you never want to hurt him and that you will try not to hurt him.
But, somewhere in him he must like you for what you are. You can't change yourself completely and he would probably be unhappy if you did. Try to make him see that you need to be yourself and that if you changed too much he might no longer be attracted to you.
This is not an easy problem to solve--jealousy never is.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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Don't be unfair