I love my boyfriend. But is it real or just routine? Am I right to have doubts?
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been dating my boyfriend for two years and a half. We are both about to finish highschool and have plans to keep dating and maybe even move in later on in the future. We both fell in love quickly and everything was perfect at the beginning. we have been intimate and in a way I think that made us ever more attached than we already were and I don't necessarily see that as a good thing. I do love spending time with him but I always noticed he was a bit too posessive, jealous and insecure. I've always thought his behaviour was a result of low self esteem.We have been through a lot of good and bad things. We do fight a lot mostly because we can't seem to agree or compromise... It either has to be his way or my way... I have no problem giving in and letting him win but sometimes I feel it isn't fair...
We did break up for about 2 months and that was the longest we've ever been broken up for. I ended it because I found a conversation he had with some girl from work where they were flirting with each other. It wasn't anything major but it Hit me hard since there had been rumours of him cheating on me with this girl while I went away for vacation. During those two months I found it very hard to continue I fell into depression and couldn't focus on anything. I did manage to try to keep my head busy with school and this guyfriend I started to get close with but still couldn't get him off my mind. I also took the chance to participate in a school even where I danced salsa with a group of friends on stage (this is something my bf would never aprove of and he thinks it's not apropiate to be on stage having a guy touching you). After two months we got together again after a lot of drama... He was always holding the salsa thing against me and soon after I was accepted to participate on a beauty pageant and represent my Latin heritage. He threatened to break up with me and made me feel like I was a slut because according to him I was going there just to be rated on my looks and it was pointless. I went anyway but couldn't enjoy the experience to the fullest because I was always thinking of how angry he was at me.... Again he held it against me for a while and then got over it... It was a lot of fighting but I knew I couldn't let him hold me back... That stage did affect me and now I feel like I rather let him control him than fight against him and be unhappy... I know that is wrong but I don't know how to deal with things like that specially when he says I don't care about how he feels or how I don't consider his feelings... It makes me feel guilty when I'm not and I am overly sensitive so I fall into his manipulative ways most of the time... He is always asking my whereabouts who I talk to and what I do even when im at home.. He gets mad when I'm on msn or facebook... I've gotten so frustrated at the way he is I've even cried to him trying to make him realize that some of the things he does are wrong.... He usually avoids situations like that and he constantly ends arguments with a simple "I don't want to talk anymore this is ridiculous" and says bye... Our relationship is serious and I do see myself with him in the future I just don't want these things to continue and follow me to college. Don't get me wrong he isn't a monster... He has great qualities also... But the things mentioned above really worry me:.. I'd like advise on how to deal with situations like that, guiltrips, what to say when he is being too intrusive and when he wants to avoid things by saying bye... How could I show him that his behaviour is wrong.... And please give me more options other than "dump him" I can't see myself without him :(
User Submitted Advice from a 13-20 year old Male
Don't be unfair
im 18 years old and im a male I have the same problem but i am the one that is jealous i understand his point he is really scared of losing you and he wants you for himself because he probably thinks that your gonna leave him because you found someone that makes you feel better like that is more attractive makes you laugh or makes you happy these are the things i would hate that other ppl did ive tried to control it cause i knw it takes control over me almost all the time. I couldnt imagin why she would want guy friends on her myspace and would get mad when she would get on. i guess this is the same way for u and your facebook. i also dont knw why she would want guy friends over all seeing that she had me as a guy in her life. one of the main reasons i thought like that was because i had no close friend girls i always thought if i was gonna be talking to a girl it was because i wanted to be her boyfriend or i wanted to get with her, never as friends i never seemed to get that friendship feeling from a girl. this is why i would get mad when she would talk to guys cause i would feel like she is trying to do what i think i would wanna do if i was talking to girls (want to be his girlfriend or she wants to get with him). but just recently this year i had a couple of chick friends that i have seemed to grow a friendship with. he probably doesnt have chick friends you should try to find out by asking him if he has any chick friends and tell him that you dont think wrong if he does that you only wanna knw. Jelously really gets in the waay of our relationships im trying my best to control it but it is really hard sometimes main reasons why is because she likes to party alot, well use to and she would act really dumb when she would get drunk like she would make the biggest scene. also cause sometimes she would look like she is flirting with guys cause she would laugh with them and sometimes start hitting them playfully and i would see that pretty diffrent i guess. she also likes to go clubbing and seems to always wanna look pretty when she goes and i havent gone seeing that i just turned 18 but she seems that shes always wants to look really good and i start thinking who are you trying to impress overthere im not gonna be with you. and just recently i saw one of her friends leaving my girlfriend a comment about going to a concert and saying (its time to dress up all slutty) and i was like what the hell??? but i havent told her anything seeing that im trying to control it. i saw my jealously was a problem when i made her cry over stupid little things i wouldnt realize till she was ready to say im tired of this, your just like my x-boyfriends trying to control me(dont tell him this he may wanna break up with you cause you are comparing him with your X i knw i almost wanted to). just tell him that you guys seriously need to talk with no argument try to understand him first seeing that he has the problem realize whats bothering him and dont argue while he's talking or argue at all while your having this talk. dont interupt either since just stopping him in the middle wont let you understand anything you need to hear him out every little single thing to get better results in finding out the main problem. same goes for you make sure he agrees that he wont talk when your talking that he just needs to listen to what you have to say then talk about it after if he interupts you just remind him "i let you talk and fully listened to you now its my turn and you need to listen to what i have to say to dont be unfair" i hope evrything goes well with you goodluck -Danny
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