Turning a beautiful man ugly.Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have read (and I'll be honest) ALMOST everything on this site, having to do with jealousy. This is the first time I've discovered that I have a problem that MANY other people have..makes me feel a teeny bit better. Anywho..a little background:
To tell you my relationship history would take too long (I like detail), but I will say that I am almost 22, been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years, have lived with him since about 2 weeks prior to dating. I have always been jealous. My highschool relationships were a joke. There were 2 of them, one lasting about 2 years, the other a year and a half. Nothing specific happened to make me the way I am (that I can remember), I have just always been this way. I wish I knew where it started, to help you help me!! Getting back on track. When I started this current relationship I thought to myself 'This one's different, this one is REAL..we're not in high school anymore..we're adults.'...a lot of good that did. Counting the number of 'fights' we've had probly wouldn't even take up both hands..just short of 'fairytale'. However, they have all started because of me and my jealousy. My mind goes CRAZY! And last year, I found out he had been emailing some random girl he found online, to confide in her..about our relationship, because he, and I quote, "needed someone to talk to." SUPER LOW BLOW! It tore me apart. He has never cheated or been unfaithful in a relationship, and I do trust (or like to think I do) that he will not cheat on me either, but something in the back of my mind says "He's just lying so he doesn't have to face the truth...and me" When we started dating he was the guy everyone loved...really easy to get along with, funny, charming, sweet..damn near perfect. He liked me for a whole summer before I "agreed" to date him...over 3 years later, I made a wonderful choice. But now I fear I'm turning him into something that he doesn't want to be. He's become extremely cautious in the way he talks to me and acts around me...and I feel horrible about him thinking he has to be that way, but I know he's right in doing so because I'll practically tear his head off..for nothing. I just paint these absolutely horrid pictures in my mind. I just recently (earlier today) read that jealousy is an underlying fear..fear of rejection, loss, and so on and so forth. In the beginning of our relationship I was doing so well with my issue, not letting it bother me, not bringing it up...but this last year has been hell. My boyfriend works at a factory, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 7:30 at night til 7:30 in the morning. I don't know anyone he works with because since it's a factory I can't just..go visit. He calls me at night on his breaks...but I feel like this may have been just what my issue needed to come out in the open again. I bite his head off for everything! And the worst part is, while I'm making a big deal out of it, my head's voice is saying "what are you doing? you know he didnt do anything, his intentions are pure, hes a good guy, he loves me so much, stop making him feel bad about nothing!!"...but all I do is continue until I say it's over. And this doesn't happen all the time..when he's not at work, he's with me. He doesn't have friends that he goes out with, ALL of our friends are mutual..so it's not like I don't know where he is or what he's doing..because I do, 24/7...I just don't know WHO he's doing something with...is there a girl at work he constantly flirts with? is there someone he looks forward to being with for 12 hours a night? does he say horrible things about me behind my back? NO NO NO! But how do I know? I went to the link about trust that you post so often in your responses..but I didn't relate to it. It's not the issue. Besides, it wasn't completely helpful to begin with because I'm in no way religious..so please don't think God can magically cure this. I need something more real than that. Like your honest opinion. Should I pay for professional help? There's SO SO much more to my story, and I apologize for making it so lengthy as is..hopefully this might just give you the right amount of light needed to see the problem and give me some heady advice. Thank you very much for taking this time for me. Much appreciated.
Trust is most certainly the issue. You don't trust your boyfriend and break out in jealous rages. If you were to trust him the problem would go away.
And your comments about God happen to coincide with mine, but the webpage only had a paragraph on that subject and for religious people is good advice. You should read again the trust website, it is full of important and helpful info.
Now I have had jealous spells in my life and know how painful they can be. Finally I came to the conclusion that no matter what this woman did I could forgive her as long as she would stay with me. So clearly my problem was fear of loss and also the desire to always have a woman in my life.
Your suggestion of seeking professional therapy was an excellent one. You should get very good advice there and certainly better than from an advice columnist on the Internet.
My best wishes to you and hope you can overcome your problems! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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