Turning a beautiful man ugly.
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I have read (and I'll be honest) ALMOST everything on this site, having to do with jealousy. This is the first time I've discovered that I have a problem that MANY other people have..makes me feel a teeny bit better. Anywho..a little background:
To tell you my relationship history would take too long (I like detail), but I will say that I am almost 22, been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years, have lived with him since about 2 weeks prior to dating. I have always been jealous. My highschool relationships were a joke. There were 2 of them, one lasting about 2 years, the other a year and a half. Nothing specific happened to make me the way I am (that I can remember), I have just always been this way. I wish I knew where it started, to help you help me!! Getting back on track. When I started this current relationship I thought to myself 'This one's different, this one is REAL..we're not in high school anymore..we're adults.'...a lot of good that did. Counting the number of 'fights' we've had probly wouldn't even take up both hands..just short of 'fairytale'. However, they have all started because of me and my jealousy. My mind goes CRAZY! And last year, I found out he had been emailing some random girl he found online, to confide in her..about our relationship, because he, and I quote, "needed someone to talk to." SUPER LOW BLOW! It tore me apart. He has never cheated or been unfaithful in a relationship, and I do trust (or like to think I do) that he will not cheat on me either, but something in the back of my mind says "He's just lying so he doesn't have to face the truth...and me" When we started dating he was the guy everyone loved...really easy to get along with, funny, charming, sweet..damn near perfect. He liked me for a whole summer before I "agreed" to date him...over 3 years later, I made a wonderful choice. But now I fear I'm turning him into something that he doesn't want to be. He's become extremely cautious in the way he talks to me and acts around me...and I feel horrible about him thinking he has to be that way, but I know he's right in doing so because I'll practically tear his head off..for nothing. I just paint these absolutely horrid pictures in my mind. I just recently (earlier today) read that jealousy is an underlying fear..fear of rejection, loss, and so on and so forth. In the beginning of our relationship I was doing so well with my issue, not letting it bother me, not bringing it up...but this last year has been hell. My boyfriend works at a factory, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 7:30 at night til 7:30 in the morning. I don't know anyone he works with because since it's a factory I can't just..go visit. He calls me at night on his breaks...but I feel like this may have been just what my issue needed to come out in the open again. I bite his head off for everything! And the worst part is, while I'm making a big deal out of it, my head's voice is saying "what are you doing? you know he didnt do anything, his intentions are pure, hes a good guy, he loves me so much, stop making him feel bad about nothing!!"...but all I do is continue until I say it's over. And this doesn't happen all the time..when he's not at work, he's with me. He doesn't have friends that he goes out with, ALL of our friends are mutual..so it's not like I don't know where he is or what he's doing..because I do, 24/7...I just don't know WHO he's doing something with...is there a girl at work he constantly flirts with? is there someone he looks forward to being with for 12 hours a night? does he say horrible things about me behind my back? NO NO NO! But how do I know? I went to the link about trust that you post so often in your responses..but I didn't relate to it. It's not the issue. Besides, it wasn't completely helpful to begin with because I'm in no way religious..so please don't think God can magically cure this. I need something more real than that. Like your honest opinion. Should I pay for professional help? There's SO SO much more to my story, and I apologize for making it so lengthy as is..hopefully this might just give you the right amount of light needed to see the problem and give me some heady advice. Thank you very much for taking this time for me. Much appreciated.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Wake Up !
I would like to say I have read just about everything on this site and asked George several question why I think his advice is great I just have a few things to say. Have you ever been cheated on? I am 22 and I was the jealous girlfriend in every relationship I have been in. And recently being single I have discovered that jealousy is lack of self-confidence. If he is going to cheat there is nothing you can do about it. You have to live your life by this quote "live life like there is no tomorrow and love like your heart has never been broken." I follow it! And I am not jealous anymore. If you know he loves you then donít question yourself. Just go with it. You canít predict the future and the past is not important so live like the present. It is a gift. I donít know your boyfriend but from what you say he is a good guy and I donít think you are the type to be willing to throw that all away cause you "think" that "maybe" "possibly" there ďmightĒ be something going on! WAKE UP.... Think to yourself... there is no one betters for him then me... and your confidence will out weigh your fear! I hope this helped if you a little bit more and I agree with George on the professional help I did it for 2 years and LOVED EVERY SECOND!
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer