No you're not horrible...but I guess I am
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
My boyfriend sent the advice letter called "Am I really that Horrible?" he read it to me and I was really hurt. I KNOW I have a problem but I find it to be really disrespectful to be calling me the horrible one considering you haven't heard my side.
It's not like I've always been jelous...well maybe a little but I've always dealt with it and it was never really a big deal. Don't you think that he could have done something to trigger my jelousy a bit? I know I have a temper and I've told him that sometimes I just need time to cool down and he doesn't give it to me. I ask him not to touch me because I need to cool down yet he does anyways. Sometimes I've even felt violated even if it was just the touch of the hand and I ask him to stop. He tells me not to be mad and that I can just simply stop being jelous and my feelins are wrong. I've even asked him how I could change and he responded "I dunno but you can". I know it's not fair and I even told him that he can go spend the night and that I can just deal with it and that it doesn't hurt me that much. Yet he says he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to hurt me...I don't know if it is fair for him to blame me for not going because I told him that I'd just learn to deal with it and he could go. I told him how I felt about it and how to fix it, yet still this problem arises.
I trusted him but I know that I have a hard time doing that now. I know that's part of the problem. Because when we were first going out I'd ask him questions about how he's felt about other girls or whatever and he'd say something and I'd be happy my hopes up...then all of a sudden he changes his answers and breaks my heart. He is always changing his answers and everytime it hurts me...so now I guess I've become ultrasensitive and I'm afraid of him hurting me again and I want to be special to him but I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I try to listen to him but sometimes I just can't understand why.
It was heart breaking to find out that I've made him feel the most terrible he has in his whole life....I've had my terrible times too but I would say that it's nothing like the good times that we do have. It's just as of lately we've hit a bump in the road and I don't know if he relizes that everyone comes to a point in the relationship where we find out that the other isn't perfect and we need to change... also somethings I find special...to him he doesn't think they're special at all and calls them stupid to me and that it shouldn't matter. It's not really things that are even a big deal to him like he even said he could care less...but by me telling him that they're special to me he feels like I'm ordering him to do things when I'm just telling him how I feel. I don't say "DON'T DO THIS" but somehow he still gets the impression that all I do is control him....
I know that somehow I need him to regain my trust but I just don't know how because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm sorry that this is long but I feel horrible, I know I have problems that need to change but I don't know how and just want to know if I am really as horrible as the other advice giver said or if I should just leave?
RomanceClass.com Advice
I am the same advisor who answered your b/f.
This is the first time I've heard the other side.
All I have to go on is what people tell me... and I don't always believe exactly what they were saying. But your b/f said he felt "suicidal" and that is a trigger word for me. That is really scary to me.
My advice is for you or you and your b/f to go to a professional counsellor if you want to avoid my advice to him.
By the way, there was another response to his letter which is much more on your side. You might want to read it at:
http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/adviceresp.asp?id=2067
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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