No you're not horrible...but I guess I am
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend sent the advice letter called "Am I really that Horrible?" he read it to me and I was really hurt. I KNOW I have a problem but I find it to be really disrespectful to be calling me the horrible one considering you haven't heard my side.
It's not like I've always been jelous...well maybe a little but I've always dealt with it and it was never really a big deal. Don't you think that he could have done something to trigger my jelousy a bit? I know I have a temper and I've told him that sometimes I just need time to cool down and he doesn't give it to me. I ask him not to touch me because I need to cool down yet he does anyways. Sometimes I've even felt violated even if it was just the touch of the hand and I ask him to stop. He tells me not to be mad and that I can just simply stop being jelous and my feelins are wrong. I've even asked him how I could change and he responded "I dunno but you can". I know it's not fair and I even told him that he can go spend the night and that I can just deal with it and that it doesn't hurt me that much. Yet he says he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to hurt me...I don't know if it is fair for him to blame me for not going because I told him that I'd just learn to deal with it and he could go. I told him how I felt about it and how to fix it, yet still this problem arises.
I trusted him but I know that I have a hard time doing that now. I know that's part of the problem. Because when we were first going out I'd ask him questions about how he's felt about other girls or whatever and he'd say something and I'd be happy my hopes up...then all of a sudden he changes his answers and breaks my heart. He is always changing his answers and everytime it hurts me...so now I guess I've become ultrasensitive and I'm afraid of him hurting me again and I want to be special to him but I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I try to listen to him but sometimes I just can't understand why.
It was heart breaking to find out that I've made him feel the most terrible he has in his whole life....I've had my terrible times too but I would say that it's nothing like the good times that we do have. It's just as of lately we've hit a bump in the road and I don't know if he relizes that everyone comes to a point in the relationship where we find out that the other isn't perfect and we need to change... also somethings I find special...to him he doesn't think they're special at all and calls them stupid to me and that it shouldn't matter. It's not really things that are even a big deal to him like he even said he could care less...but by me telling him that they're special to me he feels like I'm ordering him to do things when I'm just telling him how I feel. I don't say "DON'T DO THIS" but somehow he still gets the impression that all I do is control him....
I know that somehow I need him to regain my trust but I just don't know how because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm sorry that this is long but I feel horrible, I know I have problems that need to change but I don't know how and just want to know if I am really as horrible as the other advice giver said or if I should just leave?
User Submitted Advice from a 13-20 year old Female
We talked it over
well I don't know how to respond but I guess I could just do it here....
well we talked today and there were A LOT of misunderstandings...there were things that have triggered it and he never really realized it because he never listened. But now we both listened to eachother and he understands how I feel and I do for him.
[May I could describe the situation a bit incase somone has a similar situation]
Most of the miscommunication was he thought I was saying he couldn't do things. I just told him what hurt me but I told him I'd get over it and what exactly caused my feelings of jelousy towards things [like him blowing off his plans to spend the night at his friends one time...and never mentioning things he wants to do with me]. So now he knows why I feel this way so he knows how to fix it. And that one guy [or lady I can't remember] was right. I need my cool down time. I have a really bad temper and he does not let me cool down to the point where I can't control myself.
I believe we're already on the right way to better communication [which will already lead to a better relationship] and we each know the problems and how to prevent them and such...and I'd also like to add he did exaggerate a lot of things in there but I guess that'd be common for most people when they're upset. But thank you all for your time and we are working on our problems [well there's none right now since we just got over how we feel and how to prevent it] and things .
Oh I have one more question though... I feel that staying up all night with somone else is special. I didn't before but now the thought of him staying up all night with his friends makes me jelous..that was pretty much the only thing that I had a "problem" with although I told him that I'd get over it. Is this something that I just have to get over? I've never stayed up with him all night before [we're teenagers and don't really have the chance to get to do that] and I kind of see it as a special thing especially since we've been wanting to do that together but he's doing it with other people...?
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer