Been in this relationship for almost 2yrs and has been of and on for the last 4-5mths I've known it is time to end this dead end relationship it has become so unhealthy for me. He's begun to try to speak with me again it makes me week cuz I'm like an eternal optimist it is like a curse. I'm a nervous wreck over this. I feel I need to stick to my guns, stay single for awhile. But He is trying to learn me in. Man does it hurt to be honest and strong about yourself. And I keep picking uncompatible men! Yes I do have some issues such as jealousy, because I've been hurt so many times and yes I have hurt others. I hate being alone. I hope to find a soulmate someday. Any suggestions on how to handle this mans urging to talk all the sudden after a few weeks hes making me nervous calling house phone, email, cell phone, I keep avoiding. Hope it stops soon. Anyways How does one be happy alone?

It's like breaking an addiction. You can't look at it wondering if you're happier, right away. If you were an alcoholic, you wouldn't really be dried out in 30 days, and maybe not in an year. Same here. You make the decision with your head, stick by your decision, get help if you need it (if he is stalking or hurting you or harassing you). Find some groups where you can talk. Talk here.

Give it some time. Work on improving you. Think about things that you're interested in. Go to the library. Become an usher at the Performing Arts Center. Read stories for children at the school, or hold babies at a Children's Hospital. Whatever gets you out of yourself for a while.

After 3 months, ask yourself: are you happier and more pleased with yourself? You notice I don't say, are you lonely. Of course, you'll be lonely. Chances are you don't know another way yet, and you need time to become comfortable with yourself.

I can guarantee that in a year, you'll be like a whole new person.

And within another year, you'll be ready to meet people who won't pull you down - who can be in a relationship where a man and woman walk alongside each other, instead of one walking behind. You just don't need a codependent relationship.

I'm glad you posted. You can do something about it!

Hi Homie ~ welcome to the forum.

I think that Carl has given good advice.

We have had a number of young men on the forum, lately, who, after dating for some time, have found that their relationships have come to and end, and they just don't know why. And they can't accept it. So they phone and text and write ~ and ask for advice on getting the girl to love them again.

Your post is like the opposite side of the coin. You have been in a relationship for nearly two years, which is quite a long time, and now it feels wrong for you, so you want to end it ~ and have ended it, I assume??.

He may just need closure ~ why it has ended and whether there is any chance of it being revived. If you just gave him some clear but final answers, you may help him to deal with it and the contact might end there. But you will have to do what feels right.

I certainly believe that it is better to be with one's soulmate ~ someone you really love ~ rather than settling for someone who just happens to be there, but yes, some people do settle, because they don't want to be alone.

Perhaps you should build up your self-esteem & confidence and get to know new people. Adult education, or sport, or a writing group, or something like that might help. Be sure to keep safe, though, especially if you are out and about on your own.

Good luck!

Hello Homie

I agree with PDM when she says.



Perhaps the answers he was given by you made no sense to him. Myself being a guy, it becomes confusing. Not knowing where you really truly stand. Therefore, if you want him off your back, you must physically tell him this. That the relationship is over for good. Include reasons as to why even. In the end, if all you want is to just simply get him off your back, and not have to explain yourself to him, then you have really no obligation to do so. Instead you can tell him to just back off and to leave you alone. I agree he needs the final closure, but if he is bothering you constantly, you may just have to tell him to back off.

I also agree with Carl when he says to work on yourself. Do something you like to do. Hang out with friends, make new ones if you desire, go to the movies, the mall, bars, clubs, read books, anything you desire.

As for things to do alone, I am the king of this. I am a true loner, have been for nearly 24 years. Here are some ideas.

- If you work, put in some extra hours a day. If you don't work, find a job that appeals to you. Not only will you be occupied, but you'll have more money.

- Join a gym of your choice. I do boxing and MMA, maybe you'll like that, also pilates, kick-boxing, weights, spinning, things of that nature. They really do keep the mind at ease, whilst making your body harder.

- Arts: Painting, drawing, photography, music, singing, dancing, writing, reading. These are all things you can do alone, fun and very occupying. Also, live music, go see some local or even some of your favorite big name bands/musicians. If they're in your area, why not.

- Shopping, visiting the mall, visiting/calling old friends, getting a pet.

- Classes: If you're not in college, you can maybe take some college classes, maybe you'd like to take some cooking classes, painting, drawing, language, etc.

Good post, SDG. Being comfortable in being alone is quite different than being "lonely," isn't it?

Even when one is in a healthy, give and take, relationship, it is good to have that alone time.

I can't add to the great advice above except to say that it might help to keep busy & pencil lots of things in for yourself to do in a given day or week. Is there something you've always wanted to do, like learn bread-baking or read all of Agatha Christie's books? Something like that might give you a positive focus...

I recently read this book called Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto. It's basically a book about people who consider themselves loners, and why. It's a good read for people like myself, and for people that are not loners at all. It gives a lot of insight on things to do on your own, why sometimes its better to do so, and misconceptions/stereotypes of loners.

...and yes, being a loner is definitely not the same as being alone. I choose to be a loner, 'tis my way of life.

I don't think that I would like to be all alone in the world. I have known people like that and it was incredibly hard for them ~ they were almost trapped in their own alone-ness.

However, I do enjoy my own company and some people find that hard to understand.

There is a lot one can do without others ~ reading, photography, family history research, etc, etc. But then, it's nice to share the results.

Yes. I understand what each of you are saying, SDG and PDM.

Choosing to be a loner is different than having to be, though. And it doesn't have to mean no contact.

At heart, I will always be an introvert. So special friendships are probably the most important thing to me second only to my own growth and caring for myself. The outward friendliness I have learned, and it has become almost second nature - as it expresses what I believe about being a good neighbor and being kind.

Yet, if a person knew me really, really well, they would know that the very essential parts of my heart are rarely - if ever - shared.

With my soul mate, we know each other really well, and yet it is kind of like the veneer that we put over all that we see. We don't really see everything. We kind of connect the dots and associate patterns as "the reality." We impose our own impressions on the seeming chaos beneath. Sorry about the venture into existentialism. Yet, it does kind of apply. We all have private places in our hearts and souls. And that is not a bad thing.

Loving should not mean giving up the essential part of who you are. And if someone asks that of you, then IMO, they don't really love you, or they don't really know what love is.

Yes, and if Homie feels that this is the time for her to be single, then that chosen time of being on her own is probably going to be good for developing her personality and learning who she really is ~ before being ready to share that newly found knowledge ~ and strength ~ with the right person.

Update: So far there has been little contact but only coz we are employed at the same place and are now on the same shift there were 2 shifts he worked the 2nd but because of the economy our company has gone to 1shift luckily I work on one end of factory and he on other. I miss all the good qualities of our relationship but there were issues on both our behalfs that have to be resolved before we can have a happy/healthy relationship with each other or any one else I accept the fact that I need to work on me I've known this for a long time just been avoiding, denying etc...And it feels awkward to say I'm gonna be selfish about me and thats that for now until I feel Happy/Healthy. Ironically before I got into this relationship I was advised that I wasn't ready and to wait a year. But No I'm rather stubborn and like usual have to learn the hard way so word of advice when you get good advice from a good source listen to it!! Homie

It's good that you are accentuating the positives, and being aware of the dangers. And it's good to organize your thoughts and to get some encouragement. I'm happy to tell you: well done!

Good for you.

The "feelings" of reward can be misleading, so I'm warning you to be careful with them. As I've said before, the slow and gradual increase in your inner satisfaction with yourself may not be as obvious as you'd like. You may think - oh, there's not been any change. Or, not enough. I still want....

Or, you may think: I've been so "good," I deserve a reward. And while you may not have a specific in mind, you're kind of set-up in your mind and emotions for something to slow you down, or take you back.

So, day by day, step by step, keep on keeping on. You will be happier.

Homie, you seem to know what you need and want ~ and are, perhaps, just asking for opinions and reassurance.

Sometimes you have to be 'selfish'.
You cannot give love, advice, support, etc, unless and until you are comfortable in your own self, so it's good for you ~ and good for those who you care for ~ that you give yourself time to be happy with yourself.