ok , im not sure how to go about this but my girlfriend and i had a fight which has resulted in law enforcement involvement for the 3rd time in 5months our relationship has been like a rollercoaster ride . This recent fight started after we returned to my place after i took her out for dinner on her bday . i gave her some zotes beer baked sunflower seeds i had gotten from work snack area . the label had a young woman standing "nude" in a beer mug . she wanted to know who gave them to me and i said jo the admin assitant . then she went into why would a woman give those to you ! i replied dont start an agruement they were given to all employees , well there insued an agruement and the mudslinging began , finally i had enough and got up off the loveseat and was going to walk away but she struck accord and i reached around grabbed her throat and told her to stop , then let go . i know that even though i didnt injure her i was wrong in my action , i said im sorry and backed away( this was the first time i had laid hands on her) . she then screamed not man is going to put his hands on me and pushed and slapped at me a couple times , and started to gather her belongings to leave . i told her i was tried of be accused of cheating, etc. and felt she was using me as a matter of convience . and the last time she got mad she had two guys threaten me via phone and she texted me she was interested in another guy . anyway as you can gather the relationship has had turmoil and turned toxic . well that night she filed a statement with police and told me i was going to pay . the police contacted me and told me to turn a statement and not to contact her . so i did the statement and took full responsibility for my action and have since been charge with domestic battery which she is already underprobation for after she got drunk and attacked me causing bleeding and scars . so to my question , i feel like this relationship can be salvaged but only through concelling to learn how to communicate . since its only been a week since the event should i do no contact from this point forward and let her approach me . or cut my losses and move on . i sent her this email within a day of the breakup and was contacted by police and warned again not to contact her .i want to turn this into a happy relationship but i dont know if it can be .
EMAIL:
You probably realize that each time we have tried as individuals to figuire out what the other wants and how to work to get the relationship we want the pain of failure is more costly. I think the main reason is we dont know what the other really wants or how to get what we want . I believe we really havent given ourselves a fair chance at a relationship . I think to do a proper reattempt we need to see a counselor and learn how to be a couple that can communicate .Which is the main key to a successful relationship . You are important to me and i want a happy relationship with you ,but we need help to learn positive communication .I dont want to give up on us but i also wont to fight for a love that only i want . So i have laid my offer out there to you. Whatever happens at this point is in your hands . The only thing i have left to say is that i want a relationship with you , i wont to settle for friendship I want much more than that with you .So thats it I WANT YOU , I dont need you . I hope you understand the difference .

No offense, but I think you should run, not walk, out of this relationship as fast as you can. You both sound confused but she sounds unbalanced, thriving on drama, and paranoid. No relationship of only five months is worth this much trouble.

I agree, leave it be. Get conseling for yourself. whether or not you get back together with her, or find someone else, the conseling will help you to know who you are and what you want from a relationship. Also might help you understand why you would want to stay in a relationship even you called toxic.

i am pursueing conseling .i have forced myself to get out and try to make new friends and not contact her . we have been togeter a total about 7-8 months but that is probably still to short of time to deal with all this drama . i had even suggested we take couples counseling but i didnt follow through i left it to her . i hoped by not contacting her at all would give her time to realize the potential that was lost and miss me. Also, give me time to focus on me ,deal with the breakup , etc. I am sure at this point im driven more by emotion than logic but need to do right by me .Thanks for your replies it helps to have others input

First of all dude NEVER grab a woman no matter how angry you are. There is no excuse. The only time i could justify having a phyical fight with a woman is if she is about to stab you or something you have to restrain her.

Secondly she got physically violent towards you. Domestic violence goes both ways and she had not right to hit you.

If i were you i would run as fast as you can. The police have told you to back off, you grabbed her, she hit you what good can come of this? You say this kind of thing has been happening 5 months? What happns in another 5 months? The violence could get out of hand.

Go and do your thing, meet new people and enjoy your life. If she calls you then take it from there but for right now just assume it is over and move on. I know it is easier said than done but it is better than waiting around. I hope you get throught his and you find peace with yourself

Welcome to the forum, pctech68.
What a sad mess!

I agree about grabbing women.
It should never ever happen ~ except in self-defense.

Well, you tried with the e-mail, it didn't work, and got you into further trouble with the police.

You cannot contact her ~ they have told you that.

Maybe, one day, she will calm down and get back to you. If it happens, then you can decide if a relationship with her would be a good thing.

You grabbed her throat.
She had two guys threaten you.
You had a fight which resulted in law enforcement involvement
for the 3rd time in 5 months!

Does this sound like a recipe for a good future together?

It doesn't sound healthy to me.
One of you could get badly hurt ~ physically.

Your relationship has been like a rollercoaster ride.
These are exciting and fun, aren't they?
But they are meant to be a harmless thrill, not a harmful regular way of life.

It sounds as if you have had lots of arguments, sometimes over relatively trivial matters. Long term this would be very destructive.

You can't contact her anyway, and she hasn't responded positively to your message. Why not see if you can calm your life down and find a gentle and rewarding relationship for yourself?

But be very careful never to grab ~ or in any way assault ~ a woman again. That is not going to get you a good partner or a good relationship.

I agree i was totally out of line grabing her , and it was the first time and i am still feeling low about my action . I will face the consequences and punishment given . i normally walk away when ive gotten to a unconstructive point . I will move on and address my faults and rebuild myself

It's good that you understand where you went wrong and what you should do / should have done.

Be positive.

Make positive moves in your life!

Good luck!

i am struggling with the breakup and want to reach out to her again . but im sticking to my guns on the no contact for reasons above . im fighting the depression of the breakup to the best of ability . mornings and weekends are the worst . Anyway i know that you have read the story of the agruements/fights.i also was there for her thru very tough times for her . She lost her min poodle of 15/16yrs while we were together and it devasated her , i was there and tried to support her . took care of the vet bills as i had taken care of other bills during her unemployeement . i also bought the little dog a casket and took her and dog to her mothers where i dug a plot and placed the dog in its casket and then we had a graveside service . I have been there when she had to deal with her grandmother being put in a home and other family issues. i encouraged her through her job search and even took to interviews . So wrong or right i feel i put alot into us in a short amount of time and wanted to try to make a go at a future with her .

and of course i have regrets about the negative things that happened between us but dont regret the chance at the relationship and the fun times we had , and the times we stood together .

Well, yes, it does sound as if there have been some positive times.

However, the police are involved now, so there is nothing you can do at present.

If you do get back together, I really would recommend that you look into counselling.

well i have been told that she is telling people that we are done . So im overwhelmed with sadness and feel guilty . So i dont how to move on or how long i should mourn the lost of my relationship / girlfriend . i dont have no friends here as im new to area and the idea of bars to date again dont appeal to me . i want to move back home and be near my kids .

Pctech68, you are right about mourning ~ many people do not understand that this is what happens when a relationship ends.

However, just because people have said that she has said things, or even if she has said them, doesn't mean that she won't change her mind.

But, you do have to accept that this probably is over ~ and, in view of the tempestuousness of the relationship, that it might even be for the best ~ especially as you have children.

No, you will not yet feel in the mood for finding a new girlfriend ~ or frequenting bars.
Not yet.
But give yourself time. Time heals ~ or, at least, helps.

I think that you do need some warmth in your life now, and that seeing your kids, if you can, would be a good idea ~ for them & you.

Good luck!

i guess i will just stay away and not contact her . its been a challenging couple weeks for me . Maybe , in a few more weeks i can start forcing myself to getout and socialize in the singles scence (yuk). i dont know though

Just give yourself time and devote yourself to your loved-ones for now ~ family and friends.

ok , first of all i dont have any family or friends here in this remote area . i hate where i live but i dont have the money or motivation to move to a nearby area cause i want to leave but cant because i havent meet the requirements my company has for me to retransfer back . i am depressed and hurt to the point i struggle to just do daily things and have even missed work a couple times . i am wanting to get passed this but am so lonely its driving me insane . im not allowed to contact her and she hasnt tried contacting me . i just want to stop the pain , i have no esteem and feel broken . my nearest family is over 16hrs away .i sit at home unless i just have to get out and afraid of seeing her with someone else so i dont go to the only social scene for singles here which is bars instead ive closed myself off

I'm really sorry to hear this. I think that you need to see your family and children.

However, if you really can't, could you phone them more, or send letters or e-mails, etc ~ anything to strengthen the ties and stop you feeling so alone?

Could any of your friends or relatives visit you?

Remember, you can always share you concerns on here!

If you are feeling depressed, then perhaps you should see your doctor, or a counsellor.

At the moment, you are in pain ~ you are grieving ~ but this extreme sorrow will gradually pass.
Time heals ~ or at least it allows you to cope better.

Could you get to know some people where you are living?
Are there clubs, or night-classes, or something?
Have you joined anything that can be joined ~ eg the library?
Try to get out and meet people ~ even if it's only at the shops.
You can't just stay in getting more and more lonely.

I'm not suggesting bars, or the dating scene, but perhaps something life-enhancing, like adult education classes, or sport. Do you swim or play any team games?

I can certainly understand that you may want to 'close off' while you are 'grieving', but don't let it last too long.

Take care!

Well i had my day in court , and was lucky to get probabtion . they through in a no contact order to "protect her " as well which i wish they hadnt . So anyway , i cant reconcile now regardless . the odd thing is i got an email from her yesterday thanking me for sending her stuff to her via mail over two weeks ago . Then she asked that i forward her mail to her physical address and of course included it in the email . if im such a threat why would she do that . I didnt respond of course and didnt do mail fwd . i just right on her mail not at po box **** . I assume she is very aware of the sentence i got . So i fwd. the email to my attorney and basic asked him about the address deal . i havent heard back but i will continue to keep track of her attempts to contact me as it violates my probabtion to have any direct or indirect contact with her unless she has it removed . So i am trying to move on as thats all i can do other than just stay out of trouble .

As you say, you were lucky.

You have learned a lesson from this, and, hopefully, you will be able to move on.

If you do need to contact her then, yes, do it through your and her legal representatives.

Good luck!

Detaching yourself from this relationship you thought you really wanted is difficult, confusing and very depressing. I'm going thru a similar situation eithier I'm crying, finding fault against the other person or myself, then feeling sorry for myself and a whole bunch of other emotions just spinning around. I want to talk to this person so bad. But after some silence and thinking I realize there are issues inside of me that I must deal with first to become more mature, happy with myself before I can really be in a solid relationship. I've been advised to be good to myself first and the rest will follow sometimes quickly, slowly but good things will come back to me in time. Good Luck HOMIE

Breaking up is usually going to be a very emotional experience ~ a time when you need a bit of tlc.

You have done the right thing in documenting the contact with you. You are correct about not haveing a choice because there is a no contact order and you are on probation. It does not matter if she lifted the order now though. The court has taken that decision out of her hands. Of course she very well knows the conditions of your sentencing. She may very well wish that you would contact her. Her reasons may be sincere or they may be aimed at getting you in trouble. You are very wise considering the past incidence of sending two friends to threaten you. It can be very painful to give up on a relationship when you have invested time and feeling. Even though it has become toxic as you say, the tendency is to look back on fights as mutual mistakes where passions ran amuck. We tend to feel that if there is emotion even if it is negative that the relationship is worth saving. I am bothered by some of the things that happened though. Her statement that "no man is going to hit me" leads me to think that she has old baggage. A relationship either with her father or an old love where there was violence. If she has been exposed to domestic violence before it is probably why she is so easily out of control. You also mention drinking and I would bet that your fights have been after partying and alcohol was involved. Thirdly, you don't admit it but you seem like a person of moral values that is not proud that you lost your control. Could it be that you were also drinking? Last but not least you are obviously depressed about your actions and this level of depression makes me think that you would not have lost control unless you were both drinking and things got out of control. These kinds of arguments often accompany a life style where the social structure is meeting friends at the local gathering spot. You mention that this is a isolated area and there is one place that every one goes to. You obviously live in a small rural commuity where everyone knows every thing that is going on. This is only adding to your isolation and lonliness. There probably isn't much else to do. You have also mentioned that you have children, so you must have been married before and when you got into an argument there may have been some baggage of your own that came to the fore of your memory. You did not mention what was said to push your button and make you loose control. Obviously she knows it is a sensitive issue and was a good weapon.

If you were to wish something for yourself, it would probably be to be where your children are. You obviously miss them, much more that you miss this woman. I think you want someone to love you and you have a kind heart and a lot of love to give. Unfortunately this charge is hanging over your head and you may not be able to leave the county where your probation is. If I were to just tell you what I think will take the pain away, it would be to say. Take all of the good advice to run don't walk away from this woman. Start by asking if your probation can be transferred to where your children are. Second, start searching for a new job of any kind or speak to your company about an exception in your case. Let them know that you will do anything it takes to accomplish a transfer. Tell them that you need to be near your children if need be, however they probably already know the truth. If they won't co-operate then perhaps another job is the answer. In the long run you will be in a better place for your heart and head if you move near your children. I would consider counseling to understand why you grabbed her. It is not enough to be sorry, if you have a problem either with control or alcohol. Do it for yourself and your children. Whatever you do, I would also take a long look at your ladyfriends history. I believe you will find that she indeed has domestic violence and alcohol abuse in her life. At the very least, she has sought to physically hurt you on several occassions. That is not love or anything akin to it. That is definitely not mother material. In time, with the help and love of your children you will heal and find someone to care for.