Where to start.

Currently, i'm dating this 19 year old guy and one of his friends, also 19, is head over heels for me.
Recently, my boyfriend has gone on a trip and I can't get ahold of him. I'm also at least 4 thousand miles from my house on "summer vacation" that I got dragged along to. My dilemna is that i've been getting rather close to my boyfriend's friend since i'm so alone here and can't get ahold of my lover. I'm fearing that I may have fallen in love with him as well. I was always one who thought falling for two was impossible. I take it that it's not. I keep thinking that this new love is only because i'm so fragile at the moment and need comfort that I can't get from my unreachable boyfriend. This comfort has gotten out of hand at least 3 times now by mine and my friend's fault. I feel guilty, and confused. My boyfriend and I had a rough start in the beginning already and my friend is convinced that me and my lover don't actually love each other.
Sorry if i'm not making much sense. This is 4 months worth of trouble pretty much that i'm tryign to put simply so you'll understand.

Basically, I love both my unreachable boyfriend and this comforting friend, but i'm unsure of who I truely want to be with for the long run.
My boyfriend has his guy moments, but he can be loving and caring when /he/ knows I need it. He's funny and easily makes me laugh.
My friend is a really nice guy who's been hurt by women before. (This give him an empathy bonus from me, sadly, which shouldn't be there.) He comforts me when I need it, but is also dead set on showing me I don't love my boyfriend. Claiming he "wouldn't get involved if [he] didn't think [my boyfriend and I] loved each other"

A small problem also is that both of these boys I only know over the net (but don't worry, I trust them both and went through precautions to know they're not rapists or anything). I'm meeting my boyfriend for the first time at an anime convention in less than 15 days. I was hoping I could have my decision before I see my lover.

I think that's it. Please help me T_T

Hi Coleslaw.

I'm confused,

You are falling in love with a boy you have never met and you are also dating another boy whom you have never met???
Is that correct or am I reading it wrong?



I'm confused and concerned at how 'out of hand' a relationship can get with someone you don't know.

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

Take a step back and a deep breath. It is highly unlikely that you are in love with either of them. I know that it's possible and that people do fall in love over the Internet, but to fall in love with two people and not be sure which one you want when you have never met them indicates that, at present anyway, you are not really in love with either of them.
I may be wrong.

How do you know that they are who they say they are?
How well have you checked them out?
How can you really check people out over the Internet?
People pretend to be what they are not to gain the trust of vulnerable youngsters on the Net. Be very wary!

Be very, very careful if & when you meet them. If you do go, then go with friends or relatives. Do not go alone!

Once you know them, if they are as decent as you think they are, then maybe you will fall for one of them and he for you ~ then you will know.

But be very, very careful!

I really would not trust men getting too involved with you in such a personal way when you don't know them.

Beware!

I already know all this.

And i'm 17, btw. When I meet my boyfriend at this anime convention, i'll be with my other 2 friends (best friends, actually), who would probably never let me leave their sight because they're so protective. And I know these two boys are who they say they are because i've talked to their friends. Granted, maybe, their friends are in on it too, but I don't think they could gain agreement of that many people.

I'm aware of precautions meeting someone from the net, and I may very well not be in love. I've been in love before, and this feels the same way.

Please don't tell me because of my age, I can't experience love yet. Children of my generation are actually alot smarter than most adults of my parents generation (1954 and so on).

I'm not suggesting that youngsters cannot fall in love.

We have a thread somewhere about just how young some people can be when they fall in love. I think I was nine ~ and I felt that it was real.

My concern, re age, is connected to my concern re the Internet. People ~ paedophiles ~ pretend to be who they aren't, so that they can groom children & teenagers.

No ~ children today are not smarter ~ they are more worldly wise, perhaps ~ but people are people.

But you asked for help and I gave the only response and advice I could.

You have never met these men.
You don't know them, so I cannot see how you could have fallen in love with either of them, never mind both.
I can't see how things can have 'gotten out of hand' with someone, if you have never met.
I can't even see how you can be dating someone else, if you have never even met.

Maybe being not-very-computer-literate is making me naive, but my only advice can be ~ wait until you meet them & get to know them before dating them or proclaiming your love for them.

I know that Internet dating can work, because it has worked for other people, so I wish you well.

I still say beware & be careful.

Good luck.

I'd say you should all get together - your friends, his friends, everybody - but have nobody reveal their names. Spend the weekend chatting (in person) and see who interests you.

(Then get a background check)
good luck.

coleslaw i think u are just trying to be cool or something i wrong know ---in love after talking to people on the net--hmm go and meet a normal person in person

How am I trying to be cool, Nemo? I go onto a forum and present my problem. If I was trying to be cool, i'd make up a dumb topic and gloat how my life is perfect, which it's not.

I need advice, not criticsm, please Nemo.

That helps alot, thank you Victor ^^ I'll consider doing that

I know this sounds dumb, but I heard it worked from someone. If u can't decide who u like more, then make a list in your mind, or on paper about the qualities, moments and thoughts u feel about each guy. Make a list of good and bad moments. After your done, look at the list of the bad, if one has way more bad moments then the other, u know who 2 choose, but also look at the good, who's been there for u more. Who's cared 4 u more, who do u know better, and who would b better 4 u. Which qualities would u prefer. Try that, I hope it helps! It's sort of dumb, but hey, u never know the outcome of something unless u try it out! It's worth a shot!

Coleslaw, how did it go?

Are you all right?

I will start by saying I met my husband through an online game.

That said, stay friends with both of them. Believe me, I understand just how well you can come to know people through the internet, and I believe that most people are actually quite honest (and if you talk to people for a while, you start to learn just how honest people are--this is no different than meeting strangers in real life.) Stay friends and, if you want, which you seem to, meet them as friends and only friends while bringing your own friends along. More than likely as time passes you will lean more towards one of them, and/or one of them will veer in different directions.

Since it seems you've already entered a "more than friends" relationship with one of them, I'm honestly not sure what would you should do. Were it I, I would probably let the boyfriend/girlfriend title stay (so as to not make him feel shut out) but act no different than if you were just friends. Since he may press for more, just don't go along with it and definitely don't do anything you might regret.

Hmm.. I know that really didn't cover much, but I don't want to start presuming things.



As an amusing side note, my dad actually called my then-friend/now-husband's commanding officer and asked about him. (yes, I was 17.) Kind of embarrassing, but I'm glad he did. It also helped my father be able to trust him more. I will also say that I've grown immensely from the already mature 17 year old I was (I am now 21.)

I'm intrigued Sal

I actually know people who have met via the Internet and are about to get married.

From this forum, I can get an idea of which members I feel that would get on with, and many of us do consider the others to be friends ~ but surely you need to meet and really get to know someone, before you can be sure that you are in love with them??

It's very hard to pick one or the other. You also would have to consider them. They are friends? It is a really tough situation. Trust me I have been there and still am. I know it is not somethind attentional and that it can just happen.
I have been with my boyfriend now for about 5 monthes. I love our relationship. We are there for each other. We are in no hurry to move in together. We want to take our time with our relationship. Let me also include that I'm 26 and he is 31. I met Robert through my ex. Both of them have been friends since they were 8. Trust me I did not want to ruin their friendship. I'm glad that they are still friends. My ex knows that he wasn't there for me and very selfish about many things. He also knows that both Robert and I are very happy together. My ex talks to both of us. He is friends with the both of us and has excepted our relationship. It is hard because at the beginning of Robert and my relationship my ex fought to point out our inperfections. Both Robert and I agreed not to talk to him for a bit. Now I can have a conversation with my ex without him saying anything bad about Robert. The same goes for Robert. It's nice that we can all get along with each other.
Trust me it is hard, but it is your choice on what makes you happy. You are still young so take your time. You don't want to jump into something you will regret.

To PDM, when does "like" turn to "love"?

I once thought I was in love when I was 13-14. I was head over heels for this guy, I couldn't go a day without seeing him, we'd talk for hours on end, I snuck out of bed in the middle of the night to talk to him, when he smiled it made me feel better, I laughed at all his jokes, every love song I heard sounded like it was written just for him and me, and when I started seeing him for who he really was (and that I wasn't his one and only,) my world collapsed and I became severely depressed. I was also wrong.

I thought I was in love, and I'd have argued tooth and nail with anybody who disagreed. Retrospectively, I was merely horribly infatuated with this guy.

I suppose it comes down to how we define "love." I like to think that the love I have for my husband is more "grown up" and I like to compare it to the love that I have for my family or the love that exists between couples who have been together for decades. Since I acknowledge that I'm still young and am reminded of this on a near-daily basis, I realize my notions will likely change with time.

I should mention that the first relationship I was in was 99% online. (Not 100% as I think he and I spoke on the phone once or twice.)

Whether a relationship is online or in the flesh, emotions are invested about the same either way. The only real difference is that online, you miss out on tone of voice, body language, and it's hard to have "dates" (not too much you can really do aside from chat.) On the contrary, people, for whatever reason, tend to be more willing to share things about themselves they might otherwise keep hidden, so in that sense, how to say... I suppose that online you see reflections or a personality, whereas in real life, that same personality might reflect differently. Since I was and I am still quite shy, this was a nice bonus for me.

I do agree, though, that while I may argue that it's possible to love an online persona, you can't REALLY love the person behind the persona until you meet and spend time with him.

I'm sorry if the above seems a bit jumbled, but I'm more expressing my thoughts on the topic than specifically trying to answer your question.

I met my husband on Match.com !!! I was 39 he was 45. He only lived 9 miles from me and our kids all grew up here and they were all in the same schools, ball camps, Scout events etc. I never saw him before. So, if it were not for the online thing I never would have met my baby !!!

I have also met men (if you can call them that) online in IRC and games that were total losers, liars, OMG like you all hear about.

I would be very cautious if I were this 17 year old, I DO KNOW you can NOT fall in love online. It is 99% fantasy what you have created in your mind about these 2 guys, when the real world hits it will be really painful for you, you will feel like such a idiot for falling like you have. My opinion.

I wondered too so I looked at her profile and her art page link, she left a journal entry on Jul 23, so I guess they did not kidnap her

Kids.... glad I am not one any more.

Good ~ I'm glad she's Ok.

Sal, it's just the online bit that I'm referring to.

I've been with my husband for about 32 years and I would say that I both like him and I love him. The best relationships ~ I think ~ are when the two go together.

On another thread, we have been saying how we feel that we are friends ~ sort of like penfriends ~ but I really can't believe that anyone can really know another person fully until they meet and get to know each other in person. And I think that this counts double when talking of falling in love.

However, I have heard of people falling in love online and I can't quite get my head around it.

I'm not sure that it is just my age either, as my kids think the same.

I'm glad things are going well for you1

Flip a coin?

where's coleslaw? is she alright you think?
I hope she is.