RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Long story, short?

I turned 30. However, my dating experience is very limited. I only dated two guys seriously. I am originally from China. My first relationship became a long-distance one because of my studying plan in the US. We broke up during my third year in the US, because he had an affair. I lost trust in men. I did not date anyone for two years until I run into a guy in the airplane two years ago. He is ten years older than me. I am attracted to him for his humor and eye (sorry for being superficial). We broke up after months of dating. He said "men need to have sex." I am a conservative person in terms of sex. I really need to know more about a guy before any involvement in physical relationship. I feel so hurt. Half a year later (last fall), we started dating again. The same problem, I guess. We broke up again after a few months of dating. I could not understand the situation. I could not understand myself. Should I really change myself in terms of physical relationship? I try not to believe that he is a bad guy. Recently I emailed him for some help, and he emailed me back with helpful information. I got a job. I am gonna move to the neighboring state. I still cannot get him out of my mind. Does anyone ever have similar experience? Is he only interested in physical relationship? Of course, what I really regretted is that I should be open with him, and tell him what I am thinking in my mind. He may think that I am playing a game, and not interested in him at all? I am learning...

Are you a virgin? If you are does he know that? Are you saving yourself for marriage or have you had a physical relationship prior to now.

Do you love him, does he love you. Is his love the thing that is missing for you? If he is wanting sex without love in the relationship then that is his problem not yours.

If in fact you believe you should not have sex until you are married then he should respect that. If you are just wanting to know him better then possible he would think you are playing a game because how well do you need to know him before you have a physical relationship. You are a 30 year old grown woman. As a grown woman if you are not interested in sex then he may be concerned that this will cause problems in a long term relationship.

Most important is that you should not change for anyone. That will only lead to you being unhappy with yourself. Figure out what you really want -

Hi whereislove
Welcome to the forum.

I think that this is partly a case of different people having different beliefs & opinions on things and partly to do with personal feeling.

There are people who are happy to have casual sex with anyone at any time.

Some people will only have sex if they know the person well.

Many people will only have sex if they are in a long-term committed relationship.

There are still people will only have sex if they are married.

A lot of people will only have sex, if they are madly in love.

For those who have been let down by partners in the past, the level of trust required for a sexual relationship may be higher.


What are your opinions on sex and moral standards?
You say that you are conservative, but what exactly does this mean?

Are you comfortable with sex before marriage, as long as it is in a committed long-term relationship?

Would you insist on being in love with a man, who was also in love with you, before you would indulge in a sexual relationship?

Do you love this man?
Do you think that he loves you?
Do you fear being let down again?
Do you communicate well with each other?

Don't change for anyone, if you are comfortable with who you are.
Don't be coerced into sex.

But don't be unhappy because of who you are, either.
Good luck!

Thank you two for the message.

Yes. There are different types of attitudes toward physical relationship. I belong to group of people who "will only have sex if they are in a long-term committed relationship." I had sex with my first boyfriend after more than one year of dating. That is my first love. Both of us agreed that we were gonna get married sooner or later. That is the difference between Chinese and American culture at least in my generation.

I did have sex with that guy I met in the US a few times. I probably cannot help comparing him with my first boyfriend. I just did not feel that he really cared about me that much. He said, he did. I just cannot tell. Maybe another cultural difference. He bought earrings for my birthday, but my ears were not pierced at all. He said he did take time to find that gift though. When we broke up, I told him I had feelings for him. But he said, my brain was cheating.

I am attracted to him indeed. I can easily interact with other male friends. But I was nervous when I was with him. I felt that butterfly in my stomach. I dated another few guys, whom I only met a few times. I did not feel any chemistry. I was wondering how important is chemistry????

I am a very friendly person. I help my friends whenever I can, and do not expect returns. However, I may have expected too much from him???

I am leaving this place in two months. I understand there is no possibility for me to pursue anything with him. I am sharing this story here because I am trying to tell myself that I should learn to LOVE.

OK - I am confussed. Tell me if I have this right. You have only seriously dated two guys. You had sex with both of them. I got the impression in your first post that sex or the lack of it was the problem with the relationship.

As far as you last statement about if you should learn to LOVE, are you talking about emotionally giving yourself to someone or physically giving yourself to someone.

Sorry for the confusion. I am not a virgin. I had sex with my first boyfriend because we were heading to marriage. I know it was stupid to count the times of sex. But I only had sex with the second one a few times. I was hesitant, and not experienced. I guess my hesitance is really one big reason for the breakup. I do not know why. I am so attracted to him but I was hesitant to have intimate relationship with him. Again I would say probably he did not make me feel that he did care about me. I never expected him to say something like marriage. But the degree is not enough for me to break my rule. I am a very slow person. It takes me a long time to fall for someone. But as long as I fall, I choose to fall for the rest of my life. That is why I struggled a lot to maintain my first relationship even though it was long distance. Being slow, is wrong? How could I change myself? I can interact very naturally and easily with ordinary friends. But whenver some guys approached me, I would push them away unconsciously even when I was interested in them in my mind. Am I too shy? What is the fundamental reason?

I have to point out that you did break your rule and then put it back in place. That would come across as game playing. I understand that you were not playing games but just some information for you.

What every your rules are you should stand by them. If you are not true to yourself it will cause pain in the long run.

There is nothing wrong with being slow to engage in an intimate relationship but once you cross that line - you can't go back or it does give the impression that you are either pulling away or using sex for other purposes.

Let me ask you this - do you view sex as a chore or do you enjoy it. Did you enjoy sex with your first BF? Are you afraid of giving away that last little bit of bargining power?

I know this sounds pretty blunt but you seem to be really looking for some insite into your feelings.

Again thank you for your response.

I am trying to understand myself too. I do not want to cheat myself as well as anyone else.

I grew in an environment where sex is a taboo. I never talked about sex with my close ones.

I enjoy it. But there is voice in my mind, saying that whether I am having sex with the right person. I did not mean to use sex as a bargining power at all.

I ever thought marriage was a simple thing. I meet a guy, fall in love, and then get married. I would feel guity if I am having sex with a person who is not in my future or whose future does not include me.

My big confusion, I guess, is due to cultural conflict. In my friends here in the US, they have physical relationship before they seriously think about committed relationship or marriage. But to me, it is so hard to do.

Am I making my problems clear enough?

Do you have an answer to your question in the last post, "how well do you need to know him before you have a physical relationship"??

I dated in a different era and different culture than you. I found that if I got the "chase her for sex" out of the way then it was easier to get to know someone. Guys will say or do anything to get you in bed. (I know that is a generalization so guys please don't flame me for that.)

Also I really, really enjoyed sex and loved to be the agressive partner. So we are coming from each end of the spectrum.

You will find someone who respects your morals and attitudes. I do think that when a new relationship starts getting serious you should just level with your partner and tell him that sex is not going to happen without commitment. Then stick to it if that is what you are comfortable with. There is NOTHING wrong with how you feel about commitment and a physical relationship.

There are a lot of people who have this conflict in their head. It is not only cultural but can also be upbringing (although it didn't take on me) or religious. Believe it or not there are guys out there that will respect you for it.

You are who you are - trying to change who you are never works. Now all you have to do is figure out "who you are."

Good luck - I mean that seriously.

It took me 40 years to figure out that I was not being who I am and another 10 to figure out who I am.

Barbara,

Thanks.

That is so true. I always think I know myself better than anyone else. That is not true. I need a mirror to find myself. I need some experience to construct myself.

Should I ever contact that guy again? Or we just do not match.

I think that ship has sailed for several reasons. I think you know what those reasons are.

Do you mean I should totally give up? What can I do to get him back?

What do you want to do - does he light up your light

I am not sure what do you mean by "light up my light"? I just feel it is very rare for me to feel chemistry. I wanna get him back, and give a try.

I was talking about chemistry, passion, lust, fire - all of those things. Go for it girl - give it a try - give yourself totally and enjoy the ride

You can always get off the ride if you decide you don't like it. Remember that quiting can be your choice as well as the guys.

But how to get him back? We or I already failed twice. What should I tell him? He must be dating other girls already. Call him? Email him? Ask him out for lunch? Should I explain everythign in my mind to him?

Should I say, I have a crush on you, and let us have another shot? Are you still interested? I want you back? Just how and what to say?

All of the above. I wouldn't use the word crush. I have missed you in my life and want you back in it would be a good start. Tell him you have things you need to talk with him about. Be prepared for him to say "too late." BUT if you don't try you will never know if he would have reconsidered.

Above all else - you need to be honest with him and ask him to be honest with you.

Mabe third times the charm.

Hi whereislove, I know where you are coming from, I think.

I am an ordinary English-woman, in my 50s, brought up by parents who believed that a person has only one partner and not until married. Sex was not discussed.

I agreed with their standards, and adopted them, yet I think that the rigid ideas of right & wrong that I developed were not particularly good for me. They caused me stress.

I have had one partner and am perfectly happy about that, but I do not condemn those who think and behave differently. I would have done, when I was younger. My ideas of right & wrong, in this area, used to be very black & white.

Yet I did not condemn teenage friends and relatives, who had babies out of wedlock ~ and neither did my parents. Feelings are quite complex.

I think that there are moral questions, but I cannot assume that I have the answers. There are also concerns re physical & emotional health, of course, and unwanted pregnancy, and, also, how society and family, etc, will respond.

In your case, you have had the strict moral upbringing and the lack of openness about sex. You grew up believing that sex was for your one-and-only; the person you would marry. You found him ~ or thought that you did. He let you down. So now you cannot keep your virginity for the man you marry. It is too late for that. You now have to re-evaluate, and I think that you are finding this difficult.

When you met your new man, you hoped, once again, that he would be your Mr Right.
But you don't know.
You don't know if he will let you down.
You don't know if he will marry you.
You don't know if he will cheat on you.

How far do you trust him?
Has the behaviour of your first boyfriend left you unable to trust?

You liked this new man, and found him attractive, and he seemed attracted to you ~ and you had already lost your virginity, so you made love with him. (I take it that he is the second man you had sex with??)

The thing is, sex can result from both love and lust.
I'm guessing that your insecurities about falling in love, and being loved, have made you wonder whether it was love or lust.

Do you think that he co-erced you into having sex?
Were you happy about it at the time?
Did you think that he loved you?
Do you now think that he may love you?

I think that you still want to retain sex for your one-and-only, but you don't know if this man is going to be him. Is that how you feel?

Perhaps you want to make love, because you are both in love; not 'have sex' because you both feel lust.

At least that is how I read it.

And maybe you are concerned that this pattern will keep repeating itself???

Do you really want a relationship with this particular man, because you are attracted to him?
Or do you just want him because you had sex with him, and you do not want to increase your number of sexual partners?

If you really care for him, then I think that you shoud get back to him as BLR suggested. I think that feeling 'passion, lust, fire' may have brought you to the point where you slept with him, but do you feel real affection, as well?

Do you think that you could love him and be with him forever?

Do you think that you are in love with him now?

Do you still want sex, love, togetherness & commitment ~ forever?

Do you want to go back to this man, be in love with him, be sure that he loves you and either marry him, or be in a long-term committed relationship with him?

Has he said anything to suggest what he wants ~ other than that men want sex?

Or do you want to change?
Do you want to feel free to experiement with different relationships, before you settle down & marry?

Think about what you want and what you can offer.

You can tell him that you want to start again, but that you want to take it slowly, this time, because you want sex to go with love, rather than with lust, and that you are hoping for a genuine long-term relationship, based on affection and love.

You can tell him that this is the real you.
If he wants the real you, then that will be good and he may want to try again.
If he does not want the real you, well ... he is not for you.
But think about whether you want the real him, too.

Alternatively, you may decide that the morals and standards of keeping sex for a long-term relationship are no longer for you.
If this is the case, you may want to talk to a counsellor about this.

If you are considering having a sexual relationship with this man again, without being sure that he loves you, or that you love him, then you must face the possibilty that it may not last.

You need to face this possibility.
You must learn to acknowledge the truth of each situation.
You must tell him the truth, too.

And he must tell you the truth.

If he loved you, accepted you and respected you, he would accept that you want to be in a committed loving relationship before having sex.

Too many women ~ and men ~ have sex because they feel that they have to ~ perhaps in repayment of being taken out, or because their friends do it, or because you did it before so why not now?, etc, etc.

Sex is very personal and should be very special.
No-one should feel forced into having sex, but no-one should feel teased, either.
Maybe he feels that you were teasing him.
Be truthful with him. Maybe you found this difficult because you were not sure about your truth.

Perhaps now you examined your feelings more, you can be more clear & honest with him.


Take care

I really agree with you. You can really KNOW me.

"They caused me stress". Yes. I struggled a lot.

"now have to re-evaluate". Some friends said, I should enjoy sex. But I can only enjoy sex with the only one.

"How far do you trust him?" Yes. I do not trust him that much. My first boyfriend cheated on me. He said, it would be really beautiful for us to get married after my study in the US. I found out he had an affair during my third year here. I called his cell phone. It was picked up. What I heard was that he was walking in a garden with a girl, laughing and talking. Later on, he told me that that girl controlled his cell, and let me hear that without his notice. The worst part is that my father was diagnosed with cancer, and passed away during the same time. I was so so broken. I really do not have trust in men after that.

Yes. This new man is the second man I had sex with.

Yes. I do not know whether it was love or lust.

I did not feel that he co-erced me into having sex. He initiated when we had a one-night trip to another city. I was happy but very shy. He gave me oral sex, the first oral sex I ever got. It was so different.

I really do not know whether he loved me or not. When we broke up, he said he was dating sincerely.

Yes. That is how I feel. "I think that you still want to retain sex for your one-and-only, but you don't know if this man is going to be him. Is that how you feel?" Also I am really attracted to him. He has humor. He has nice eyes. BTW, he said, I had nice legs. Love or lust?

"Perhaps you want to make love, because you are both in love; not 'have sex' because you both feel lust." I am not sure. We may be still at the stage of dating instead of developing LOVE?

"Do you really want a relationship with this particular man, because you are attracted to him?"--Yes. Very naive, right.

"Or do you just want him because you had sex with him, and you do not want to increase your number of sexual partners?"-- No.

"If you really care for him, then I think that you shoud get back to him as BLR suggested. I think that feeling 'passion, lust, fire' may have brought you to the point where you slept with him, but do you feel real affection, as well?" ---- I really cannot tell what is reall affection means or feels like.

"Do you think that you could love him and be with him forever?"-- I do not think I have know him enough, but I have that idea in my mind.

Do you think that you are in love with him now?-- Again, one difficulty for me is that I feel it is hard to distinguish love from lust.

"Do you still want sex, love, togetherness & commitment ~ forever?"-- Yes, I do. It is really hard for me to change.

"Do you want to go back to this man, be in love with him, be sure that he loves you and either marry him, or be in a long-term committed relationship with him?" -- Yes.

"Has he said anything to suggest what he wants ~ other than that men want sex?"-- I am not sure. He burned a CD for me not only including photos of me and him but also some photos of his family members.

Or do you want to change? -- If I can feel better mentally, I would like to. But I know it is very hard.

"Do you want to feel free to experiement with different relationships, before you settle down & marry?" -- How different? I do not like experients. I did not date for two years before I met the new guy not only because I did not trust men but also because I was afraid that my graduation will break up any relationship I ever developed.

"Think about what you want and what you can offer." -- I will.

Thank you so much. I should have been here earlier. Suggestions from you and Barbara are really helpful for me to examine my feelings.

I still need much courage to contact him again. Rejection is not a good feeling. Mentally, I was depressed. Physically, I lost much weight because of breakups. Does that mean I really care about him?

You seem very confused ~ and maybe you are depressed and this is contributing to your problems.

If you think that you are depressed and physically weakened, then perhaps you should see a doctor and / or a counsellor. You may need to talk this through with an expert.

I get the impression that you still want to find your Mr Right and marry him. Then you can make love to the one and only man in your life and live happily ever after. And this can happen. I am living happily with my one-and-only. But, you must understand the difference between reality and the fairy tale. To marry the one you love, you need to know what love is. To be happy in such a relationship, you will need to be sure that he loves you, too.

At 25, you also need to know what your boundaries are.
You need to be true to yourself, first and foremost, so that you can be honest with any man in your life.

There are questions you need to answer for yourself about sex and attitudes to sex. Break it all down & keep it simple. Ask yourself ...

Am I glad that I have already had sex?
Am I going to have sex, again?
Do I regret the sexual activity I had with boyfriend number 1?
Do I regret the sexual activity I had with boyfriend number 2?
Do I feel guilty about my sexual experience?
Do I wish that I were still a virgin?
If it were still possible, would I retain my virginity for marriage?
Do I think that sex before marriage is wrong?
Would I prefer to marry a virgin?
How do I feel about the man I marry having had previous sexual experience?
Do I think that my attitudes to sex are really my owwn, or my parents'?
Am I happy about my attitude to sex or would I like to have a more liberal attitude?
Do I feel pressured into having sex because 'that's what men want'?
Etc, etc, etc.

Really think about your attitudes and feelings and sort out what you think is right and wrong for you ~ morals, guilt, enjoyment, confusion, etc, etc.

Different people have different attitudes to sex.

Some enjoy casual sexual encounters with strangers.
Some enjoy only the special life-long bond that they find with their soul mate.
And there are many shades in between.

People feel as they do because of their personalities, upbringing, culture, religion, etc.

Sex can be many things; a lovely warm experience, an attack, a paid-for encounter, a fun event between friends, a meaningless lustful experience, an expression of love.

For some people, pretty much any sex is enjoyable; for others, without trust & love, it can be a sad and depressing experience, leaving a very negative feeling inside them.

Furthermore, unprotected sex can result in STDs and unwanted pregnancy, so people need to think things through and be responsible about this.

Personally, I think that it should be an expression of love.

If you want to be sure that you are in love before you have sex again, then you need to sort out what love means. No-one can tell you what love is; you have to feel it for yourself.

How would you feel if you were never to see this man again?
Would you risk your life for him?
Can you imagine yourself having children with him?
Can you imagine living with him, and sharing everything with him, for ever and ever?
Can you imagine finding someone you like better?
Do you think that he loves you?

Maybe it is too soon to tell.
Maybe you want to wait until you can be sure ~ that you love him and he loves you ~ before having sex with him again.
Maybe you wish you had waited until you were sure in the first place, but lust got in the way.

I suggest that you think about all this and then get in touch with him and explain what has been going on and how confused you have been feeling:

That you like him and care for him and never meant to tease or confuse him with your behaviour.
That you always intended to retain your virginity until marriage ~ or at least until you met your one-and-only ~ and that you don't want to have sex just because it is what men need, but because it is an expression of love.
That you have been let down in the past and need to learn to trust again.
That you hoped he would be the one to help you do this.
That you still want to keep sex for your true love / soul-mate and that you really needed more time to be sure that yours was a true love long-term relationship.
That you, too, enjoy sex and enjoyed the physical side of your relationship, but that your upbringing / morals / etc, are telling you to wait, now, until you are both sure that you love each other and intend to stay together.

Obviously you would need to re-word this so that it reflects how you feel and comes from your own heart.

And I think that you probably want to feel sure that this man loves you, wants to be with you, values your relationship on a spiritual / emotional level ~ and not just because men need sex, and is either in love with you, now, or feels that he may be falling in love with you.

Of course, you probably want to feel that you love him, too.

Sort out your boundaries and don't feel pushed to behave in ways that do not suit you ~ either by him, or by others. Sort out your own moral boundaries that make sense to you and leave you feeling comfortable.

Be honest with him and hope that this will help, because, in any relationship, good communication will usually improve matters.

Good luck

I am 30:)

I will examine myself following your questions. After those homework, I can decide wether or how I contact him.

I was also wondering how can girls tell whether boys like or love them, and how much? What signals?

Sorry, yes, I apologise for getting your age wrong ~ but even more reason to sort out your thoughts, opinions, beliefs, etc.

The only 'test' I know, to tell if someone loves you, is to look into their eyes. If their pupils dilate, then they love you. (But who knows if that is completely correct???

The thing is, if a relationship is good, it should be obvious if he loves you. You should feel completely safe, secure & loved with him. You should feel wrapped in his love, even when you are apart. You should feel that you can trust him implicitly. You should simply 'know'.

I'm wondering why you don't.
Maybe it's because he doesn't love you &/or you don't love him.
Maybe it's because you don't know each other well enough yet ~ though two years is quite a long time.
Maybe it's the cultural differences. (Is he American?) Different cultures may emply different body language, etc, so it is not that easy to 'read'them.
Maybe it's because you still feel insecure because of your first boyfriend.

I think that the very best thing you can do is see if he will talk to you about this. Be absolutely honest with him about everything and see how he feels about it all. You should then get a good idea as to whether he is the loving trustworthy type.

Sort yourself out and get in touch with him.

You need to know where you stand, but you don't want to spend so much time thinking that you lose your chance with him.

If he is 40, what has he been doing?

Has he been married before?
Has he been a fun-loving bachelor, with lots of girlfriends?
Did he see you as a temporary fling ~ for sex ~ but not as a serious partner?
Does he have a girlfriend now?
Is he ready to settle down now, perhaps?

Has he ever told you that he loves you or wants to settle down with you?

Do you have any friends or relatives who know him and could get their impression of him?

How long did you date?

Good luck

Pupils dilate? I did not pay attention:)

Our first dating relationship lasted for half a year. We got back half a year later. Then broke up again half a year later. We had sex in the first relationship, but no sex at all during the second one.

He is an American. There are cultural differences. Definitely hard to read.

No marital history. He is single.

I asked him how many girlfriends he had. He said he did not want to tell me and scare me since "I am ten years older than you". He said, he was not a bar person.

I am not sure how he saw me. During our first relationship, we got on a four-day vacation with my cousin and her hubby.

He did not mention settling down with me. The precondition for our first break up is that he invitated me to his company party, and I was hesitant (some friends did not encourage me to go to that party. I really regretted it. I should have gone). He said, I did not want to meet his friend. He said, I would not have dated him if I was dating someone else when we first met in the airplane.

He is supposed to have a girlfriend now. He asked me out to watch a game. After that, he drove me home. I said goodbye without inviting him in. I called him after he left, because I wanted to know his favorite picuture in our trip (I was preparing a gift for Christmas). He sounded mad. He said, was that all I wanted to know.

My birthday came a few days later. He textmessaged me H-B in late evening. I called him the next day, and asked whether he wanted to join my birthday dinner. He said, he had plans. I realized something was wrong.

Before Chrismas came, I sent out a gift made of his photos to him--I realized something was wrong but that gift would be useless if I did not send it out. Then in the morning of 24, he called, and thanked me for the gift. He said, he had gifts for me too, and wanted to deliver them to my place. I said, OK.

He delivered in the afternoon--a glass paper weight with a picture of rose in it, and a box of chocolate.

I asked why he could not join me and celebrate my birthday. He said, "I had plans, and I am dating a woman". My heart was broken right there. I did not know what to say. I did not even have time to arrange my thoughts. My brain was frozen. I did not blame him. I did not even ask whether we were dating or not in the past few months. We hugged good bye.

I realized something was really wrong after that game night when I did not invite him in and did not kiss him goodbye.

Later on, I textmessaged him, and asked whether we were dating or whether we were dating exclusively. He did not reply.

That is it.

I did not want to scare you. I did not ever kiss him during our second dating. I could tell he was interested in me. But I was not sure about him because the last dating hurt me.

Looking back, I was really partially responsible for all those troubles. I should have shown more intimacy (not sex). I should have talked with him about the problems we encountered before, and made sure we could overcome some difficulties. I should have asked him to help me overcome some concerns in my mind.

He did not say, and he did not ask for my explanation. Maybe most men are like him. Only behave, but talk little.

Anyway, now I really the fundamental reason - I not only have concerns with sex but also have concerns with some physical closeness/intimacy.

You sent him a lot of signals that you may not be aware of. Most of which is you are not interested in a close relationship. I don't really know if that is the message you meant to send but if I were him I would have taken it that way.

Honey - it really sounds like you could use some counseling about why you are having trouble with closeness/intimacy.

This is not something you can "just decide to change" you need to figure out why you are feeling this way. Quite often it can be a painful journey but well worth it.

I know that you want to blame your first BF but I am feeling that it goes deeper than that.

You stated that "looking back" you would have changed some things. I sincerely hope that you can take those lessons forward with you. Please think about this - you may not get back with him, but you can learn from your relationship with him. If you dont' get back with him - don't dwell on your regrets but enjoy what this encounter has added to your life and the journey to learn who and what you are.

Barbara,

I so appreciate responses from you and PDM.

What is the process of falling in love? There two types.

One
Find the right one -> close relationship -> marriage -> Enjoy the rest of the life in sickness and in health

Two

Find one -> close relationship -> Does not work so break up, and move on.

I think I am more inclined to the first one. I am so scared by breakups or the potential of breakups either initiated by me or by the guy. Breaking up with my first boyfriend ever came to my mind because I struggled a lot by living by myself alone in the US. But I told myself that I should maintain that relationship, and that is my destiny. I was so broke down when I found out that affair. Sure, I am attracted to him, very much, until now. But I cannot have close relationship with him unless I am really sure that I am in his future and he is my future.

That must sound really stupid. I talked with my roomate, a nice 50-year-old American woman. I asked her how many people I am expected to date before I find the one. She said something around 40. Oh, my god. Based on my dating speed, I do not think I am gonna get married during the rest of my life.

I am gonna get my Phd Degree. But I really do not trust my EQ in terms of dating.

Some friends suggest that I should continue to date, and I should learn to say no. I am just really not sure which guy is the right guy. Some people say, we should think of lust/chemistry as love. So we can date guys we do not have chemistry for, and maybe we will find them lovely and marry them. I just do not like that idea. Or should I follow that? How chemistry is important for a relationship especially for starting dating someone?

- my first husband and I had chemistry, love, and a whole lot of other bad things like jealousy, imaturity, and we both pushed each others buttons.

My second long term (live with) relationship was just about as hot as it gets - WOW what a ride. We were so different from each other that there really was no chance of a long term relationship. I still think foundly of him.

My present husband and I do not have chemistry but we have Friendship, Tolerance for each other, understanding of each other, a love that has grown (not exploded into existance).

I am so much happier with the qualities that my husband and I have now that the other two long term relationships.

That is not to say that I did not enjoy the other relationships, but I am now with the person that I can live with and he can live with me.

The success of a relationsip is finding a set of faults you can live with.

Yes, whereislove, I think that you may need to sort yourself out, before you can have a successful relationship. I really think that you would benefit from good counselling.

It may simply be that you were brought up to belong to one culture and find yourself alone in another. That must be difficult.

You need to learn to read the signals of men ~ and to understand the signals that you are giving.
You need to understand about body language ~ it is likely to be different in America from what it is in China.

I have Chinese friends and, while being great fun, they seem to take life more seriously, somehow.

It may be that both of your boyfriends didn't really understand you ~ and that you don't really understand them.

I keep recommending John Gray's books. I'm not trying to increase his sales ~ you can get his books from the library ~ but, in my opinion, he does help men & women to understand each other a bit better.

I can't quite make out why he started dating someone else, while you thought that he was dating you.
After all, you simply didn't invite him in after a date. No great crime.

By the way, what did your cousin make of him?

*

John Gray's website:
http://home.marsvenus.com/

Re Barbara: finding faults I can live with. That is an opposite but nice way to think about relationships. Thank you for sharing with me your life stories. I wish you the best in the current relationship -- I do not need to make that wish actually, because you two are already there.

Re PDM: I kind of agree with you that Chinese may take life more seriously due to our socialization in our culture. Especially, sex is such a taboo. I do not understand either why he started dating others. One American friend said, guys expected to have sex after three dates. He sounded mad when I called him after he left my place. "That is all you want to know?" I really should have chatted with him about why he got mad at me. He may open his mouth, and tell me what is really in his mind. My cousin actually liked him. According to her, he is quiet, humorous, masculine, and considerate. During the whole four or five-day trip, he was the driver. It was a trip to Las Vegas and the Grand Canoyn. We celebrated my birthday during the trip. You are right. I need to learn. I will check out that book. I need to know the signals:)

I am a person who tends to make everything perfect. I work hard at my degree, and get a decent job. I am also looking for that one person only. Some friends say, I require too much, and I should lower my standards. But this time, I really try so hard to control myself from contacting him. I do not want to give him any wrong impression that I am a crazy girl. I want to be a mature girl. I like him, but I definitely want to release him if we really do not match. Of course, the more I write here, the more I realize that I am so inexperienced in dating: I could not read signals. I could not respond appropriately to signals. And I send out wrong signals not from my heart. I am not truthful to myself. I am not sure when I will be brave enough to ask him out and talk about the whole process. But even if we do not end up datign again, I will be truthful to my heart. I will give myself more honestly --let that guy know what is in my mind and what is my concern-- more totally --develop close relationship step by step.

One of my girl friends made fun of me in a positive way. She said, I am pursuing a Phd sucessfully but I dit not date successfully. I need to be more open minded. I should give chances to guys who approached me, and of course that means, I should give myself chances to know another guy. Learn and grow.

Againt the concern is what if the dating does not work out for both of us. It must be painful for both of us. I am not a type of person who easily can call end to a relationship. Whenever my married girl friends turned to me for help, I am always encouraging them to think of those problems positively. I would never suggest that they should pursue a separation or divorce. To me, those things were awful. I feel like I am facing a pool. I am scared by the uncertainty in the temprature of water in the pool. I want to swim in it, but I am hesitant. I am not sure whether the water may be so hot that it may hurt me. That is HESITANCY. I have shown much hesitance during dating the second guy. He definitely can tell it. I need to overcome that. How? That book contains the answers?

I found out the title in the library. I will check out that book.

BTW, since he is supposed to dating another woman right now, should I contact him? I do not feel comfortable to do that.

Recently, I am planning to buy a car. I emailed him for suggestions-- he is very savvy about cars. He did reply to each of my email with detailed information. When I asked whether he can go to the dealership with me, he said he can not. I already expressed my gratefulness to him.

I just do not dare to CALL him. I forget to mention. I like his voice very much too.

oh whereislove - I so feel for you - I think you are in love. I can't say what to do about contacting him. I can only say that I would.

BTW my first marrage was successful - it was 20 years, produced two beautiful children and four wonder grandchildren.

My second marriage is now 23 years and is still wonderful.

My point with the story is that I have done it both ways and each have their upside and downside.

What is funny - my second husband was my flight instructor (that is how I met him) and I loved his voice also. And I might add that I asked him out because I wanted to know him better, not because I felt passion toward him.

Hey girl - you should contact him and let him know how you feel in your heart - otherwise one day you will hear that he has gotten married and you will never know what could have been.

Obviously I have no answers for you, only what I think.

Oh Barbara, I feel so happy for you.

I should email him the linkage to these posts here so that he can understand me better:) Just kidding.

It may be true that I am in love. I just really cannot read his signals. I want to know how much he likes me. One thing he impressed me from the very beginning was the first time we met in the airplane. I noticed he was looking at my direction, but I did not why. After the plane landed and I claimed my suitcase, he went to me and introduced himself in such a straightforward way something like "you have nice looking. Could we have dinner together sometime." The positive side of that way impressed me with his masculinity/being manly. The negative side that came to my mind is that he might be a playboy, and met girls in such a way, very often? I ever had a joke with him, and I asked whether he often got to know girls by giving out his business card. He said no. But still, I may love him, but I do not feel safe enough.

If he can give me a slight signal that he still cares about me, I will open my mind and my arm for him:) Oh, my little pride makes me feel hesitant because of potential...rejection:(

"If he can give me a slight signal that he still cares about me, I will open my mind and my arm for him:) Oh, my little pride makes me feel hesitant because of potential...rejection:("

pride goeth before a fall

It might hurt to talk to him and be rejected - but it will not kill you. He can't take your birthday away.

I get the impression you are pretty, I know you are little - you have it all girl. Plus being smart, educated and at least bi-lingual.

Barbara, you have taught me so many new words/idioms. Did you major in English:)

Thank you for your encouragement:)

After the first breakup, I emailed him and tried to explain why I was so conservative. I even told him he was the second guy I ever dated seriously. But he said, we were not compatible, and I need to learn and grow. A few days later, I called him during my conference trip, and said we should meet face to face, and I hated to end like this. He agreed. We met for lunch. I told him, I missed him, and I had feelings for him (I forgot which words I had used. I may have used wrong words. English is not my first language after all). He answered, my brain was cheating. He then started listing a few differences between him and me such as the fact that he likes cold water, but I like hot water. And finally, he mentioned, men need sex. I think all the other reasons were lame except that last one-- now I do realize I have problems with intimacy. I need time to reconstruct myself a little bit.

Regarding the second breakup, I already mentioned in the previous post. All of sudden, he was dating another woman. I was very stupid when I hugged him goodbye. I even asked him "am I gonna see you again?" (with smile, no begging). He said, "not often. She would be jealous."

I appreciate your input. I just watched a movie. I think that may be the truth in his mind "he is just not that into you."

Now I also realize that a breakup can really decrease people's self-confidence at least mine.

Don't let a break up decrease your self-confidence. You can be sad - you can be angry - you can be hurt - but you are still you and a break up only reflects ONE persons opinion. If he had come up to you at the airport and said "I don't think you are someone I would date" would you value his opinion enough to think less of yourself?

NO I don't think so - you would have thought he was some kind of nut.
So be it.

There is another asian girl having some cultural problems also. You might find the thread interesting.

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=355657#Post355657

Just find the word I have tried to name one of my weaknesses--indecisive. He was my second date, and he was not Chinese. So over whole process, I have got so much persvation from my friends. Some said, for example, he was ten years older than you (age was ever my concern too. He said "my father is in his eighties." Yeah, he was a funny guy). I was indecisive, and I showed hesitance.

To be honest, I kind of think less of myself in terms of dating experience.

Good night:)

All these posts up to now make me feel so warm in such a rainy season.

Hello whereislove

I was sure that I wrote a post for you last night, but I see that it didn't arrive on the thread.
I must have lost it somehow ~ sorry.

Do you know, I think that your ex is right ~ you probably aren't compatible.

But don't take the blame on yourself. I just don't think that he was understanding or patient enough with you. He was thinking of his own needs, and not of yours.

If he had loved you, he would have said that you have all the time in the world to become intimate ~ that you should take it slowly and that as love and trust grew, so would intimacy.

PDM,

Yes. I am think of compatibility too. That is another reason that I am not sure whether I need to contact him again.

whereislove - from experience (my live in relationship, he walked out). Rearrange the furniture, go shopping, get your nails done (what ever makes you happy) take a deep breath, hold your head up and DECIDE that tommorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. "After ALL, tommorrow IS another day."

Barbara,

I maybe just want what I cannot have.

I will learn to read myself. I will learn to be truthful not only to myself but also to others. I do not want to have regrets anymore.

But still be yourself ~ it's ok to take advice and re-evaluate, but don't just be what other people want you to be.

Hehe.

There are two MEs. One told myself that I should give it a try, and see whether I can still get him back. The other said "No. He is just not that into you." I am trying to find the correct or the whole me through asking questions and getting responses from you.

When he said he can not go to the dealership with me, I really told myself that he was only available to help me via email, and he did not want to meet me face to face.

Yes, maybe he would be happier as your friend, rather than your lover.

Yes. That is the signal.

So do I still need to contact him, and make some explanation? Or just leave it there, in my mind?

whereislove - you know this is your decision - but you don't seem to be able to let it go. Contact him - make your peace.

I don’t know how to quote, but I’ll make comments to the points you make through out this thread. First of all, you mentioned “He said "men need to have sex." I don’t know how most people would feel, but that’s pretty offending to me. I, too, like you - associate sex with a potential long-term lover – who truly cares for me and possible a future together. My ex & I were together for over a year (he’s Hispanic) but I still couldn't get myself to “that” level with him. And he never once made me feel guilty or pressured me into it. He was also 10 years older, quite more experienced than I was at the time too. Believe me, not every man needs to have sex just a couple months (geeze even couple years) into the relationship. If someone loves you enough, he WILL sacrifice the waiting until you are 100% ready. You also mentioned “I just did not feel that he really cared about me that much. He said, he did. I just cannot tell.” I’ve dated men who truly cared & loved me without sweet talking & expensive jewelries. And I’ve also been with those who always say they love me, shower me with gifts – but I just could not feel their love. I definitely think love can be a very complicated situation, but able to feel it should not be that difficult & confusing... There seem to be a lot of barriers between you two, your philosophy & expectation in a relationship are very different from his. My all time favorite love quote is this, and you’ve probably already heard it before “To love is not to look into each other’s eyes, but to look together in the same direction.” You & him already tried to work it out twice, what are you (or him) planning to do it differently to make it work this time? Besides, if he’s already dating another woman, how are you gonna pursue him to come back to you? If he does, do you think he’s back because he really loves you & cannot live without you – or it’s simply out of sympathy? Re-evaluate everything you told us here, and just see yourself if it’s really worth it. Believe me, letting go of a relationship is not easy at all (I have my share on this countless times). But I think if there’s a will, there’s a possibility for anything, even when you think you hit rock bottom & cannot get that person out of your mind. I didn’t have time tonight to read through everything you wrote, but at least the important points. Hope everything works out well for you. Best wishes & good luck!!!

Thanks.

Feelings or love cannot be calculated using equations. One confusion I get is how GOOD is goog enough.

Some friends suggest that I should lower my standard. Obviously I do not want to. Or is it really hard for me to get content?

whereislove - mabe your friends are not wanting to lower your standard, but rather to be realistic. Honestly - the story book "fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after" does not happen just like that.

Let me ask you this - is your parents marriage a story book marriage - or is it a union that works?

Sometimes you have to choose from "warm and fuzzy" "fireworks" or somewhere in between. I don't think your standards are too high, they are just unrealistic. It just sounds like you have ideals that no man is going to live up to. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.

I am quoting Lisa Shea re: dating
It's like learning to ride a bike. You fall several times before you succeed. You'll have to date - and break up with - several people before you find the right person.

I didn’t say that love/feeling can be calculated or measured. What I meant was that if someone truly cares for you, you should be able to feel/tell through their actions – regardless of cultural difference. It just doesn’t make sense to me much if someone said they really cared for me...and I just cannot tell it.

And it is different for different people.

Like a lot of teenagers, I had crushes on different boys, but ~ silly as it sounds ~ I always felt that the Nat King Cole song was right for me ~ 'When I fall in love, it will be for ever'.

I had one boyfriend. I felt entirely loved. I knew that we would marry and stay together. That was over 34 years ago. I don't live a fairy tale, and I didn't have to kiss any frogs, or be pressured into doing anything I wasn't ready for. We are still happily married.

Maybe I was just lucky, or maybe we make our own luck, by being true to ourselves and finding the right soul mate for us.

Winniee, the calculation sentence is just one confusion in my mind for a long time. I did not derive it from your post:)

The other day, I was chating with a campus shuttle drive. Believe it or not, he is more than 70. We asked him the reason for being healthy. He said, being truthful.

If we could be truthful to ourselves then to others around us, what a beautiful world it is! Thank you all for your responses. I realized something I never paid attention to.

oh sorry then

yes, that's a wonderful answer you got from the shuttle driver

anyways, hope you'll soon find your prince charming okie!