RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Long story, short?

I am 30:)

I will examine myself following your questions. After those homework, I can decide wether or how I contact him.

I was also wondering how can girls tell whether boys like or love them, and how much? What signals?

Sorry, yes, I apologise for getting your age wrong ~ but even more reason to sort out your thoughts, opinions, beliefs, etc.

The only 'test' I know, to tell if someone loves you, is to look into their eyes. If their pupils dilate, then they love you. (But who knows if that is completely correct???

The thing is, if a relationship is good, it should be obvious if he loves you. You should feel completely safe, secure & loved with him. You should feel wrapped in his love, even when you are apart. You should feel that you can trust him implicitly. You should simply 'know'.

I'm wondering why you don't.
Maybe it's because he doesn't love you &/or you don't love him.
Maybe it's because you don't know each other well enough yet ~ though two years is quite a long time.
Maybe it's the cultural differences. (Is he American?) Different cultures may emply different body language, etc, so it is not that easy to 'read'them.
Maybe it's because you still feel insecure because of your first boyfriend.

I think that the very best thing you can do is see if he will talk to you about this. Be absolutely honest with him about everything and see how he feels about it all. You should then get a good idea as to whether he is the loving trustworthy type.

Sort yourself out and get in touch with him.

You need to know where you stand, but you don't want to spend so much time thinking that you lose your chance with him.

If he is 40, what has he been doing?

Has he been married before?
Has he been a fun-loving bachelor, with lots of girlfriends?
Did he see you as a temporary fling ~ for sex ~ but not as a serious partner?
Does he have a girlfriend now?
Is he ready to settle down now, perhaps?

Has he ever told you that he loves you or wants to settle down with you?

Do you have any friends or relatives who know him and could get their impression of him?

How long did you date?

Good luck

Pupils dilate? I did not pay attention:)

Our first dating relationship lasted for half a year. We got back half a year later. Then broke up again half a year later. We had sex in the first relationship, but no sex at all during the second one.

He is an American. There are cultural differences. Definitely hard to read.

No marital history. He is single.

I asked him how many girlfriends he had. He said he did not want to tell me and scare me since "I am ten years older than you". He said, he was not a bar person.

I am not sure how he saw me. During our first relationship, we got on a four-day vacation with my cousin and her hubby.

He did not mention settling down with me. The precondition for our first break up is that he invitated me to his company party, and I was hesitant (some friends did not encourage me to go to that party. I really regretted it. I should have gone). He said, I did not want to meet his friend. He said, I would not have dated him if I was dating someone else when we first met in the airplane.

He is supposed to have a girlfriend now. He asked me out to watch a game. After that, he drove me home. I said goodbye without inviting him in. I called him after he left, because I wanted to know his favorite picuture in our trip (I was preparing a gift for Christmas). He sounded mad. He said, was that all I wanted to know.

My birthday came a few days later. He textmessaged me H-B in late evening. I called him the next day, and asked whether he wanted to join my birthday dinner. He said, he had plans. I realized something was wrong.

Before Chrismas came, I sent out a gift made of his photos to him--I realized something was wrong but that gift would be useless if I did not send it out. Then in the morning of 24, he called, and thanked me for the gift. He said, he had gifts for me too, and wanted to deliver them to my place. I said, OK.

He delivered in the afternoon--a glass paper weight with a picture of rose in it, and a box of chocolate.

I asked why he could not join me and celebrate my birthday. He said, "I had plans, and I am dating a woman". My heart was broken right there. I did not know what to say. I did not even have time to arrange my thoughts. My brain was frozen. I did not blame him. I did not even ask whether we were dating or not in the past few months. We hugged good bye.

I realized something was really wrong after that game night when I did not invite him in and did not kiss him goodbye.

Later on, I textmessaged him, and asked whether we were dating or whether we were dating exclusively. He did not reply.

That is it.

I did not want to scare you. I did not ever kiss him during our second dating. I could tell he was interested in me. But I was not sure about him because the last dating hurt me.

Looking back, I was really partially responsible for all those troubles. I should have shown more intimacy (not sex). I should have talked with him about the problems we encountered before, and made sure we could overcome some difficulties. I should have asked him to help me overcome some concerns in my mind.

He did not say, and he did not ask for my explanation. Maybe most men are like him. Only behave, but talk little.

Anyway, now I really the fundamental reason - I not only have concerns with sex but also have concerns with some physical closeness/intimacy.

You sent him a lot of signals that you may not be aware of. Most of which is you are not interested in a close relationship. I don't really know if that is the message you meant to send but if I were him I would have taken it that way.

Honey - it really sounds like you could use some counseling about why you are having trouble with closeness/intimacy.

This is not something you can "just decide to change" you need to figure out why you are feeling this way. Quite often it can be a painful journey but well worth it.

I know that you want to blame your first BF but I am feeling that it goes deeper than that.

You stated that "looking back" you would have changed some things. I sincerely hope that you can take those lessons forward with you. Please think about this - you may not get back with him, but you can learn from your relationship with him. If you dont' get back with him - don't dwell on your regrets but enjoy what this encounter has added to your life and the journey to learn who and what you are.

Barbara,

I so appreciate responses from you and PDM.

What is the process of falling in love? There two types.

One
Find the right one -> close relationship -> marriage -> Enjoy the rest of the life in sickness and in health

Two

Find one -> close relationship -> Does not work so break up, and move on.

I think I am more inclined to the first one. I am so scared by breakups or the potential of breakups either initiated by me or by the guy. Breaking up with my first boyfriend ever came to my mind because I struggled a lot by living by myself alone in the US. But I told myself that I should maintain that relationship, and that is my destiny. I was so broke down when I found out that affair. Sure, I am attracted to him, very much, until now. But I cannot have close relationship with him unless I am really sure that I am in his future and he is my future.

That must sound really stupid. I talked with my roomate, a nice 50-year-old American woman. I asked her how many people I am expected to date before I find the one. She said something around 40. Oh, my god. Based on my dating speed, I do not think I am gonna get married during the rest of my life.

I am gonna get my Phd Degree. But I really do not trust my EQ in terms of dating.

Some friends suggest that I should continue to date, and I should learn to say no. I am just really not sure which guy is the right guy. Some people say, we should think of lust/chemistry as love. So we can date guys we do not have chemistry for, and maybe we will find them lovely and marry them. I just do not like that idea. Or should I follow that? How chemistry is important for a relationship especially for starting dating someone?

- my first husband and I had chemistry, love, and a whole lot of other bad things like jealousy, imaturity, and we both pushed each others buttons.

My second long term (live with) relationship was just about as hot as it gets - WOW what a ride. We were so different from each other that there really was no chance of a long term relationship. I still think foundly of him.

My present husband and I do not have chemistry but we have Friendship, Tolerance for each other, understanding of each other, a love that has grown (not exploded into existance).

I am so much happier with the qualities that my husband and I have now that the other two long term relationships.

That is not to say that I did not enjoy the other relationships, but I am now with the person that I can live with and he can live with me.

The success of a relationsip is finding a set of faults you can live with.

Yes, whereislove, I think that you may need to sort yourself out, before you can have a successful relationship. I really think that you would benefit from good counselling.

It may simply be that you were brought up to belong to one culture and find yourself alone in another. That must be difficult.

You need to learn to read the signals of men ~ and to understand the signals that you are giving.
You need to understand about body language ~ it is likely to be different in America from what it is in China.

I have Chinese friends and, while being great fun, they seem to take life more seriously, somehow.

It may be that both of your boyfriends didn't really understand you ~ and that you don't really understand them.

I keep recommending John Gray's books. I'm not trying to increase his sales ~ you can get his books from the library ~ but, in my opinion, he does help men & women to understand each other a bit better.

I can't quite make out why he started dating someone else, while you thought that he was dating you.
After all, you simply didn't invite him in after a date. No great crime.

By the way, what did your cousin make of him?

*

John Gray's website:
http://home.marsvenus.com/

Re Barbara: finding faults I can live with. That is an opposite but nice way to think about relationships. Thank you for sharing with me your life stories. I wish you the best in the current relationship -- I do not need to make that wish actually, because you two are already there.

Re PDM: I kind of agree with you that Chinese may take life more seriously due to our socialization in our culture. Especially, sex is such a taboo. I do not understand either why he started dating others. One American friend said, guys expected to have sex after three dates. He sounded mad when I called him after he left my place. "That is all you want to know?" I really should have chatted with him about why he got mad at me. He may open his mouth, and tell me what is really in his mind. My cousin actually liked him. According to her, he is quiet, humorous, masculine, and considerate. During the whole four or five-day trip, he was the driver. It was a trip to Las Vegas and the Grand Canoyn. We celebrated my birthday during the trip. You are right. I need to learn. I will check out that book. I need to know the signals:)

I am a person who tends to make everything perfect. I work hard at my degree, and get a decent job. I am also looking for that one person only. Some friends say, I require too much, and I should lower my standards. But this time, I really try so hard to control myself from contacting him. I do not want to give him any wrong impression that I am a crazy girl. I want to be a mature girl. I like him, but I definitely want to release him if we really do not match. Of course, the more I write here, the more I realize that I am so inexperienced in dating: I could not read signals. I could not respond appropriately to signals. And I send out wrong signals not from my heart. I am not truthful to myself. I am not sure when I will be brave enough to ask him out and talk about the whole process. But even if we do not end up datign again, I will be truthful to my heart. I will give myself more honestly --let that guy know what is in my mind and what is my concern-- more totally --develop close relationship step by step.

One of my girl friends made fun of me in a positive way. She said, I am pursuing a Phd sucessfully but I dit not date successfully. I need to be more open minded. I should give chances to guys who approached me, and of course that means, I should give myself chances to know another guy. Learn and grow.

Againt the concern is what if the dating does not work out for both of us. It must be painful for both of us. I am not a type of person who easily can call end to a relationship. Whenever my married girl friends turned to me for help, I am always encouraging them to think of those problems positively. I would never suggest that they should pursue a separation or divorce. To me, those things were awful. I feel like I am facing a pool. I am scared by the uncertainty in the temprature of water in the pool. I want to swim in it, but I am hesitant. I am not sure whether the water may be so hot that it may hurt me. That is HESITANCY. I have shown much hesitance during dating the second guy. He definitely can tell it. I need to overcome that. How? That book contains the answers?

I found out the title in the library. I will check out that book.

BTW, since he is supposed to dating another woman right now, should I contact him? I do not feel comfortable to do that.

Recently, I am planning to buy a car. I emailed him for suggestions-- he is very savvy about cars. He did reply to each of my email with detailed information. When I asked whether he can go to the dealership with me, he said he can not. I already expressed my gratefulness to him.

I just do not dare to CALL him. I forget to mention. I like his voice very much too.

oh whereislove - I so feel for you - I think you are in love. I can't say what to do about contacting him. I can only say that I would.

BTW my first marrage was successful - it was 20 years, produced two beautiful children and four wonder grandchildren.

My second marriage is now 23 years and is still wonderful.

My point with the story is that I have done it both ways and each have their upside and downside.

What is funny - my second husband was my flight instructor (that is how I met him) and I loved his voice also. And I might add that I asked him out because I wanted to know him better, not because I felt passion toward him.

Hey girl - you should contact him and let him know how you feel in your heart - otherwise one day you will hear that he has gotten married and you will never know what could have been.

Obviously I have no answers for you, only what I think.