RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Long story, short?

I think that ship has sailed for several reasons. I think you know what those reasons are.

Do you mean I should totally give up? What can I do to get him back?

What do you want to do - does he light up your light

I am not sure what do you mean by "light up my light"? I just feel it is very rare for me to feel chemistry. I wanna get him back, and give a try.

I was talking about chemistry, passion, lust, fire - all of those things. Go for it girl - give it a try - give yourself totally and enjoy the ride

You can always get off the ride if you decide you don't like it. Remember that quiting can be your choice as well as the guys.

But how to get him back? We or I already failed twice. What should I tell him? He must be dating other girls already. Call him? Email him? Ask him out for lunch? Should I explain everythign in my mind to him?

Should I say, I have a crush on you, and let us have another shot? Are you still interested? I want you back? Just how and what to say?

All of the above. I wouldn't use the word crush. I have missed you in my life and want you back in it would be a good start. Tell him you have things you need to talk with him about. Be prepared for him to say "too late." BUT if you don't try you will never know if he would have reconsidered.

Above all else - you need to be honest with him and ask him to be honest with you.

Mabe third times the charm.

Hi whereislove, I know where you are coming from, I think.

I am an ordinary English-woman, in my 50s, brought up by parents who believed that a person has only one partner and not until married. Sex was not discussed.

I agreed with their standards, and adopted them, yet I think that the rigid ideas of right & wrong that I developed were not particularly good for me. They caused me stress.

I have had one partner and am perfectly happy about that, but I do not condemn those who think and behave differently. I would have done, when I was younger. My ideas of right & wrong, in this area, used to be very black & white.

Yet I did not condemn teenage friends and relatives, who had babies out of wedlock ~ and neither did my parents. Feelings are quite complex.

I think that there are moral questions, but I cannot assume that I have the answers. There are also concerns re physical & emotional health, of course, and unwanted pregnancy, and, also, how society and family, etc, will respond.

In your case, you have had the strict moral upbringing and the lack of openness about sex. You grew up believing that sex was for your one-and-only; the person you would marry. You found him ~ or thought that you did. He let you down. So now you cannot keep your virginity for the man you marry. It is too late for that. You now have to re-evaluate, and I think that you are finding this difficult.

When you met your new man, you hoped, once again, that he would be your Mr Right.
But you don't know.
You don't know if he will let you down.
You don't know if he will marry you.
You don't know if he will cheat on you.

How far do you trust him?
Has the behaviour of your first boyfriend left you unable to trust?

You liked this new man, and found him attractive, and he seemed attracted to you ~ and you had already lost your virginity, so you made love with him. (I take it that he is the second man you had sex with??)

The thing is, sex can result from both love and lust.
I'm guessing that your insecurities about falling in love, and being loved, have made you wonder whether it was love or lust.

Do you think that he co-erced you into having sex?
Were you happy about it at the time?
Did you think that he loved you?
Do you now think that he may love you?

I think that you still want to retain sex for your one-and-only, but you don't know if this man is going to be him. Is that how you feel?

Perhaps you want to make love, because you are both in love; not 'have sex' because you both feel lust.

At least that is how I read it.

And maybe you are concerned that this pattern will keep repeating itself???

Do you really want a relationship with this particular man, because you are attracted to him?
Or do you just want him because you had sex with him, and you do not want to increase your number of sexual partners?

If you really care for him, then I think that you shoud get back to him as BLR suggested. I think that feeling 'passion, lust, fire' may have brought you to the point where you slept with him, but do you feel real affection, as well?

Do you think that you could love him and be with him forever?

Do you think that you are in love with him now?

Do you still want sex, love, togetherness & commitment ~ forever?

Do you want to go back to this man, be in love with him, be sure that he loves you and either marry him, or be in a long-term committed relationship with him?

Has he said anything to suggest what he wants ~ other than that men want sex?

Or do you want to change?
Do you want to feel free to experiement with different relationships, before you settle down & marry?

Think about what you want and what you can offer.

You can tell him that you want to start again, but that you want to take it slowly, this time, because you want sex to go with love, rather than with lust, and that you are hoping for a genuine long-term relationship, based on affection and love.

You can tell him that this is the real you.
If he wants the real you, then that will be good and he may want to try again.
If he does not want the real you, well ... he is not for you.
But think about whether you want the real him, too.

Alternatively, you may decide that the morals and standards of keeping sex for a long-term relationship are no longer for you.
If this is the case, you may want to talk to a counsellor about this.

If you are considering having a sexual relationship with this man again, without being sure that he loves you, or that you love him, then you must face the possibilty that it may not last.

You need to face this possibility.
You must learn to acknowledge the truth of each situation.
You must tell him the truth, too.

And he must tell you the truth.

If he loved you, accepted you and respected you, he would accept that you want to be in a committed loving relationship before having sex.

Too many women ~ and men ~ have sex because they feel that they have to ~ perhaps in repayment of being taken out, or because their friends do it, or because you did it before so why not now?, etc, etc.

Sex is very personal and should be very special.
No-one should feel forced into having sex, but no-one should feel teased, either.
Maybe he feels that you were teasing him.
Be truthful with him. Maybe you found this difficult because you were not sure about your truth.

Perhaps now you examined your feelings more, you can be more clear & honest with him.


Take care

I really agree with you. You can really KNOW me.

"They caused me stress". Yes. I struggled a lot.

"now have to re-evaluate". Some friends said, I should enjoy sex. But I can only enjoy sex with the only one.

"How far do you trust him?" Yes. I do not trust him that much. My first boyfriend cheated on me. He said, it would be really beautiful for us to get married after my study in the US. I found out he had an affair during my third year here. I called his cell phone. It was picked up. What I heard was that he was walking in a garden with a girl, laughing and talking. Later on, he told me that that girl controlled his cell, and let me hear that without his notice. The worst part is that my father was diagnosed with cancer, and passed away during the same time. I was so so broken. I really do not have trust in men after that.

Yes. This new man is the second man I had sex with.

Yes. I do not know whether it was love or lust.

I did not feel that he co-erced me into having sex. He initiated when we had a one-night trip to another city. I was happy but very shy. He gave me oral sex, the first oral sex I ever got. It was so different.

I really do not know whether he loved me or not. When we broke up, he said he was dating sincerely.

Yes. That is how I feel. "I think that you still want to retain sex for your one-and-only, but you don't know if this man is going to be him. Is that how you feel?" Also I am really attracted to him. He has humor. He has nice eyes. BTW, he said, I had nice legs. Love or lust?

"Perhaps you want to make love, because you are both in love; not 'have sex' because you both feel lust." I am not sure. We may be still at the stage of dating instead of developing LOVE?

"Do you really want a relationship with this particular man, because you are attracted to him?"--Yes. Very naive, right.

"Or do you just want him because you had sex with him, and you do not want to increase your number of sexual partners?"-- No.

"If you really care for him, then I think that you shoud get back to him as BLR suggested. I think that feeling 'passion, lust, fire' may have brought you to the point where you slept with him, but do you feel real affection, as well?" ---- I really cannot tell what is reall affection means or feels like.

"Do you think that you could love him and be with him forever?"-- I do not think I have know him enough, but I have that idea in my mind.

Do you think that you are in love with him now?-- Again, one difficulty for me is that I feel it is hard to distinguish love from lust.

"Do you still want sex, love, togetherness & commitment ~ forever?"-- Yes, I do. It is really hard for me to change.

"Do you want to go back to this man, be in love with him, be sure that he loves you and either marry him, or be in a long-term committed relationship with him?" -- Yes.

"Has he said anything to suggest what he wants ~ other than that men want sex?"-- I am not sure. He burned a CD for me not only including photos of me and him but also some photos of his family members.

Or do you want to change? -- If I can feel better mentally, I would like to. But I know it is very hard.

"Do you want to feel free to experiement with different relationships, before you settle down & marry?" -- How different? I do not like experients. I did not date for two years before I met the new guy not only because I did not trust men but also because I was afraid that my graduation will break up any relationship I ever developed.

"Think about what you want and what you can offer." -- I will.

Thank you so much. I should have been here earlier. Suggestions from you and Barbara are really helpful for me to examine my feelings.

I still need much courage to contact him again. Rejection is not a good feeling. Mentally, I was depressed. Physically, I lost much weight because of breakups. Does that mean I really care about him?

You seem very confused ~ and maybe you are depressed and this is contributing to your problems.

If you think that you are depressed and physically weakened, then perhaps you should see a doctor and / or a counsellor. You may need to talk this through with an expert.

I get the impression that you still want to find your Mr Right and marry him. Then you can make love to the one and only man in your life and live happily ever after. And this can happen. I am living happily with my one-and-only. But, you must understand the difference between reality and the fairy tale. To marry the one you love, you need to know what love is. To be happy in such a relationship, you will need to be sure that he loves you, too.

At 25, you also need to know what your boundaries are.
You need to be true to yourself, first and foremost, so that you can be honest with any man in your life.

There are questions you need to answer for yourself about sex and attitudes to sex. Break it all down & keep it simple. Ask yourself ...

Am I glad that I have already had sex?
Am I going to have sex, again?
Do I regret the sexual activity I had with boyfriend number 1?
Do I regret the sexual activity I had with boyfriend number 2?
Do I feel guilty about my sexual experience?
Do I wish that I were still a virgin?
If it were still possible, would I retain my virginity for marriage?
Do I think that sex before marriage is wrong?
Would I prefer to marry a virgin?
How do I feel about the man I marry having had previous sexual experience?
Do I think that my attitudes to sex are really my owwn, or my parents'?
Am I happy about my attitude to sex or would I like to have a more liberal attitude?
Do I feel pressured into having sex because 'that's what men want'?
Etc, etc, etc.

Really think about your attitudes and feelings and sort out what you think is right and wrong for you ~ morals, guilt, enjoyment, confusion, etc, etc.

Different people have different attitudes to sex.

Some enjoy casual sexual encounters with strangers.
Some enjoy only the special life-long bond that they find with their soul mate.
And there are many shades in between.

People feel as they do because of their personalities, upbringing, culture, religion, etc.

Sex can be many things; a lovely warm experience, an attack, a paid-for encounter, a fun event between friends, a meaningless lustful experience, an expression of love.

For some people, pretty much any sex is enjoyable; for others, without trust & love, it can be a sad and depressing experience, leaving a very negative feeling inside them.

Furthermore, unprotected sex can result in STDs and unwanted pregnancy, so people need to think things through and be responsible about this.

Personally, I think that it should be an expression of love.

If you want to be sure that you are in love before you have sex again, then you need to sort out what love means. No-one can tell you what love is; you have to feel it for yourself.

How would you feel if you were never to see this man again?
Would you risk your life for him?
Can you imagine yourself having children with him?
Can you imagine living with him, and sharing everything with him, for ever and ever?
Can you imagine finding someone you like better?
Do you think that he loves you?

Maybe it is too soon to tell.
Maybe you want to wait until you can be sure ~ that you love him and he loves you ~ before having sex with him again.
Maybe you wish you had waited until you were sure in the first place, but lust got in the way.

I suggest that you think about all this and then get in touch with him and explain what has been going on and how confused you have been feeling:

That you like him and care for him and never meant to tease or confuse him with your behaviour.
That you always intended to retain your virginity until marriage ~ or at least until you met your one-and-only ~ and that you don't want to have sex just because it is what men need, but because it is an expression of love.
That you have been let down in the past and need to learn to trust again.
That you hoped he would be the one to help you do this.
That you still want to keep sex for your true love / soul-mate and that you really needed more time to be sure that yours was a true love long-term relationship.
That you, too, enjoy sex and enjoyed the physical side of your relationship, but that your upbringing / morals / etc, are telling you to wait, now, until you are both sure that you love each other and intend to stay together.

Obviously you would need to re-word this so that it reflects how you feel and comes from your own heart.

And I think that you probably want to feel sure that this man loves you, wants to be with you, values your relationship on a spiritual / emotional level ~ and not just because men need sex, and is either in love with you, now, or feels that he may be falling in love with you.

Of course, you probably want to feel that you love him, too.

Sort out your boundaries and don't feel pushed to behave in ways that do not suit you ~ either by him, or by others. Sort out your own moral boundaries that make sense to you and leave you feeling comfortable.

Be honest with him and hope that this will help, because, in any relationship, good communication will usually improve matters.

Good luck