RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Long story, short?

I turned 30. However, my dating experience is very limited. I only dated two guys seriously. I am originally from China. My first relationship became a long-distance one because of my studying plan in the US. We broke up during my third year in the US, because he had an affair. I lost trust in men. I did not date anyone for two years until I run into a guy in the airplane two years ago. He is ten years older than me. I am attracted to him for his humor and eye (sorry for being superficial). We broke up after months of dating. He said "men need to have sex." I am a conservative person in terms of sex. I really need to know more about a guy before any involvement in physical relationship. I feel so hurt. Half a year later (last fall), we started dating again. The same problem, I guess. We broke up again after a few months of dating. I could not understand the situation. I could not understand myself. Should I really change myself in terms of physical relationship? I try not to believe that he is a bad guy. Recently I emailed him for some help, and he emailed me back with helpful information. I got a job. I am gonna move to the neighboring state. I still cannot get him out of my mind. Does anyone ever have similar experience? Is he only interested in physical relationship? Of course, what I really regretted is that I should be open with him, and tell him what I am thinking in my mind. He may think that I am playing a game, and not interested in him at all? I am learning...

Are you a virgin? If you are does he know that? Are you saving yourself for marriage or have you had a physical relationship prior to now.

Do you love him, does he love you. Is his love the thing that is missing for you? If he is wanting sex without love in the relationship then that is his problem not yours.

If in fact you believe you should not have sex until you are married then he should respect that. If you are just wanting to know him better then possible he would think you are playing a game because how well do you need to know him before you have a physical relationship. You are a 30 year old grown woman. As a grown woman if you are not interested in sex then he may be concerned that this will cause problems in a long term relationship.

Most important is that you should not change for anyone. That will only lead to you being unhappy with yourself. Figure out what you really want -

Hi whereislove
Welcome to the forum.

I think that this is partly a case of different people having different beliefs & opinions on things and partly to do with personal feeling.

There are people who are happy to have casual sex with anyone at any time.

Some people will only have sex if they know the person well.

Many people will only have sex if they are in a long-term committed relationship.

There are still people will only have sex if they are married.

A lot of people will only have sex, if they are madly in love.

For those who have been let down by partners in the past, the level of trust required for a sexual relationship may be higher.


What are your opinions on sex and moral standards?
You say that you are conservative, but what exactly does this mean?

Are you comfortable with sex before marriage, as long as it is in a committed long-term relationship?

Would you insist on being in love with a man, who was also in love with you, before you would indulge in a sexual relationship?

Do you love this man?
Do you think that he loves you?
Do you fear being let down again?
Do you communicate well with each other?

Don't change for anyone, if you are comfortable with who you are.
Don't be coerced into sex.

But don't be unhappy because of who you are, either.
Good luck!

Thank you two for the message.

Yes. There are different types of attitudes toward physical relationship. I belong to group of people who "will only have sex if they are in a long-term committed relationship." I had sex with my first boyfriend after more than one year of dating. That is my first love. Both of us agreed that we were gonna get married sooner or later. That is the difference between Chinese and American culture at least in my generation.

I did have sex with that guy I met in the US a few times. I probably cannot help comparing him with my first boyfriend. I just did not feel that he really cared about me that much. He said, he did. I just cannot tell. Maybe another cultural difference. He bought earrings for my birthday, but my ears were not pierced at all. He said he did take time to find that gift though. When we broke up, I told him I had feelings for him. But he said, my brain was cheating.

I am attracted to him indeed. I can easily interact with other male friends. But I was nervous when I was with him. I felt that butterfly in my stomach. I dated another few guys, whom I only met a few times. I did not feel any chemistry. I was wondering how important is chemistry????

I am a very friendly person. I help my friends whenever I can, and do not expect returns. However, I may have expected too much from him???

I am leaving this place in two months. I understand there is no possibility for me to pursue anything with him. I am sharing this story here because I am trying to tell myself that I should learn to LOVE.

OK - I am confussed. Tell me if I have this right. You have only seriously dated two guys. You had sex with both of them. I got the impression in your first post that sex or the lack of it was the problem with the relationship.

As far as you last statement about if you should learn to LOVE, are you talking about emotionally giving yourself to someone or physically giving yourself to someone.

Sorry for the confusion. I am not a virgin. I had sex with my first boyfriend because we were heading to marriage. I know it was stupid to count the times of sex. But I only had sex with the second one a few times. I was hesitant, and not experienced. I guess my hesitance is really one big reason for the breakup. I do not know why. I am so attracted to him but I was hesitant to have intimate relationship with him. Again I would say probably he did not make me feel that he did care about me. I never expected him to say something like marriage. But the degree is not enough for me to break my rule. I am a very slow person. It takes me a long time to fall for someone. But as long as I fall, I choose to fall for the rest of my life. That is why I struggled a lot to maintain my first relationship even though it was long distance. Being slow, is wrong? How could I change myself? I can interact very naturally and easily with ordinary friends. But whenver some guys approached me, I would push them away unconsciously even when I was interested in them in my mind. Am I too shy? What is the fundamental reason?

I have to point out that you did break your rule and then put it back in place. That would come across as game playing. I understand that you were not playing games but just some information for you.

What every your rules are you should stand by them. If you are not true to yourself it will cause pain in the long run.

There is nothing wrong with being slow to engage in an intimate relationship but once you cross that line - you can't go back or it does give the impression that you are either pulling away or using sex for other purposes.

Let me ask you this - do you view sex as a chore or do you enjoy it. Did you enjoy sex with your first BF? Are you afraid of giving away that last little bit of bargining power?

I know this sounds pretty blunt but you seem to be really looking for some insite into your feelings.

Again thank you for your response.

I am trying to understand myself too. I do not want to cheat myself as well as anyone else.

I grew in an environment where sex is a taboo. I never talked about sex with my close ones.

I enjoy it. But there is voice in my mind, saying that whether I am having sex with the right person. I did not mean to use sex as a bargining power at all.

I ever thought marriage was a simple thing. I meet a guy, fall in love, and then get married. I would feel guity if I am having sex with a person who is not in my future or whose future does not include me.

My big confusion, I guess, is due to cultural conflict. In my friends here in the US, they have physical relationship before they seriously think about committed relationship or marriage. But to me, it is so hard to do.

Am I making my problems clear enough?

Do you have an answer to your question in the last post, "how well do you need to know him before you have a physical relationship"??

I dated in a different era and different culture than you. I found that if I got the "chase her for sex" out of the way then it was easier to get to know someone. Guys will say or do anything to get you in bed. (I know that is a generalization so guys please don't flame me for that.)

Also I really, really enjoyed sex and loved to be the agressive partner. So we are coming from each end of the spectrum.

You will find someone who respects your morals and attitudes. I do think that when a new relationship starts getting serious you should just level with your partner and tell him that sex is not going to happen without commitment. Then stick to it if that is what you are comfortable with. There is NOTHING wrong with how you feel about commitment and a physical relationship.

There are a lot of people who have this conflict in their head. It is not only cultural but can also be upbringing (although it didn't take on me) or religious. Believe it or not there are guys out there that will respect you for it.

You are who you are - trying to change who you are never works. Now all you have to do is figure out "who you are."

Good luck - I mean that seriously.

It took me 40 years to figure out that I was not being who I am and another 10 to figure out who I am.

Barbara,

Thanks.

That is so true. I always think I know myself better than anyone else. That is not true. I need a mirror to find myself. I need some experience to construct myself.

Should I ever contact that guy again? Or we just do not match.