RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up confusion

hey guys im kinda new here. id really appreciate any help you can give me. here goes.

I was with the love of my life for 3 years, for quite a while i had depression and would snap, but always be apologetic, she would reach out to try and help me and i wouldnt accept, i wasnt very nice. for msot of the relationship we were happy untill i got depression that is. she has now been at university for nearly 3 months, last month she told me that we couldnt work due to her work load and she said she loved me as a friend. it hit me hard. Right now here parents are going through a separation and that with the stress of university and not being home must be overbearing.

I love this girl very much and would do practically anything to get her back. please give some advice? many thanks

Hello Michael & welcome.

My friend's husband has suffered with depression, and, as a result, she has suffered as much as he has.

I have suffered with depression and I know how awful it was for my husband at the time.

It is incredibly difficult for partners to deal with, partly because depression is something that cannot be imagined, if one has never had it.

It's inside ~ somewhere the partner cannot go to help, or to share in the pain.

In this case, she tried, but you pushed her away. Do you know why you may have acted this way?

Many partners leave their once loved ones because they can no longer cope with their problems ~ and it isn't always depression.
Of course, this doesn't help the sufferer!

If she has work & exams and family problems, etc, then dealing with your rejection might be the last straw. Maybe all she can cope with just now is friendship.

Are you having counselling?
What are you doing about your depression?
What have you said to her about pushing her away?

Maybe you could write to her, to apologise and to tell her that you understand her reaction, but that, one day, when you have both sorted your problems out, you hope that you may be able to go back to the way it was.

Good luck:)

Hi and many thanks for your help. I'm ashamed to admit it but i pushed her away because i knew I could get away with it, this makes me seem like quite a nasty person but this isnt the case, it wasthe state of mind i was in, i realise she did not deserve this. I apologised for what i did and acknowledged her feelings about it. My depression actually ceased around 3 months ago and im really glad about that. m only worry is that now ive got back to my old self too late and that ive lost my chance, i seen her at the weekend and we got along fine however when we talked about the relationship she said she loves me as a friend, that having a relationship with her work load is too stressful, that she hopes we can rekindle after university (this is a several year course) and also that she wants to try things as friends and see how they go ( i think she said this to make me stop asking though) she said that she missed me but she doesnt know if she has any "relationship feelings". I am extremely grateful for this help and really hope that i can fix this situation. its quite confusing because a week before she went to uni she told her friends she only had eyes for me but a month later she left me, and a few weeks prior she was getting more and more angry and stressed. I don't know if this problem is me or university. sorry for the big list, theres a lot on my mind. Thank you again

Yes, depression can have terrible effects.
It's great that you have now come through it & that you apologised!

All that you can do at present is accept this, or reject it.
Being friends for now, with the possibility of something more in the future, is all she feels she can offer. Can you accept this for now?
If you cannot accept this, then you may have to end the relationship altogether, which would be very sad, I'm sure you will agree.

Try to be patient.
That's all you can do.
She was patient with you for some time.

Give her a chance to forgive you, for rejecting her when you had problems.
Give her a chance to sort out her own problems, without adding to her emotional worries.

Good luck!

many thanks for your reply, you speak a lot of sense. My main concern is that if i be her friend she will only see me as a friend forever. I don't want her attraction or other feelings for me to die away if that makes sense. I know I need to be patient but is there anything I could do to help her but not remain as a friend forever so to speak? sorry if i'm unclear i find it hard to explain what I mean. If it helps i remember her sayign that her friends had fun with their boyfriends but she didn't have fun, maybe I could take her out for a few fun days out?

What PDM says is very true. She sounds like she does not want to close the door completely and wants to take the pressure off of the relationship so that she can enjoy your company and start with the basics. It also sounds like she had a little quiet time when she went off to school and realized the stress that was in your relationship and was able to compare it to others. She is probably also seeing her parents relationship crumble and wants to make sure she is not making some of the same mistakes herself.

To answer your question, I think you could write her a letter telling her that you understand and express your hopes that being friends and enjoying each other's company will show her that your relationship is worth persueing more seriously later as she has suggested. Let her know that you are concerned that she will only view you as friend material and that you fear you have damaged your relationship beyond repair but are "Willing to respect her wishes because you care about her deeply" Being honest and direct is always the best approach. Let her know that you do not want to put any pressure or stress on her and suggest that you would like to see her as friends to show her that you both can have fun and enjoy each other's company "If she agrees". That is all you can do, and if she wants a complete break for a while, I agree with PDM. She has been patient with you and deserves patients.

i really like the suggestion of writing a letter to her. I will try to make it heartfelt without making me look desperate. the last time I talked to her she wasn't happy so I havnt called since. I'm going to give her some space and see if she calls me. is this an approprate thing to do. again thank you so much for the kind advice I am extremely grateful:)

Jo's advice is very good, I think.
Letters can be very helpful.
They can say everything, clearly, without being intrusive.
Sadly, letter-writing is a dying art, but if you are honest & clear with her, she should appreciate that, and understand.

I hope so!
Good luck!

sorry im back for more help. I havent heard from her since sunday (when i called and she got angry for nothing) but shes been messaging someone that used to like her and talking to other guys, i dont know how to feel. It's killing all the hope i have of getting back together with her

Hello Michael.

As far as I can see, all you can do is be patient and assure her that:
~ you care
~ you are sorry for your behaviour, which was caused by your illness
~ you are better and you don't want it to happen again
~ you will do whatever it takes to make her happy
~ you understand and respect her need for her own space at present
~ you hope to be back with her one day
~ you know that things may never be the same as they once were

You call her the love of your life and you describe her as a caring person, who reached out to you in your time of need.
Hopefully, this means that your love can be rekindled, but I think that you may need to accept that the relationship could be over.

Maybe friendship is still an option.

But the relationship, as it was, may be over, so you may need to come to terms with that & allow yourself to grieve.

Did you send the letter?
Did you point out how you felt, while respecting her need for space and time?

Just be patient for a while and see what happens.

Good luck!

to be honest i was scared of writing the letter and giving ti to her because i thought she might think of me as a doormat for still caring. I will write the letter and give it to her but i just don't know how things are going to turn out. My friend says that to get her back i need to fix the things in my life first, i agree with him. I really do love this girl and I want to be there for her even as a friend and hope that I can one day get her back. I'm afraid to tell her my feelings because I told her I loved her a week ago and I think she felt uncomfortable by hearing that as she said we should be friends and see how it goes, and said she felt pressured. I feel that if i profess my love she may be able to manipulate it like i did to her. many thanks for your help, I realise I have some issues since this happened but it feels like now that she has friends in uni she doesn't need me.

People are constantly reassessing their lives, Michael. Both you & she are doing this at present.

I still think the letter is a good idea, provided it is honest but objective ~ a clear explanation of how things stand in your mind and how you see them in hers, what you hope for, what you are sorry for, but agreeing to respect her wishes and not put her under any pressure.

Can you honestly do that?

Would you be willing to accept simply friendship, if that turned out to be all that was on offer?

And yes, sort out your issues first, if you can.
Good luck!

hi again many thanks for the kind advice ive been recieving, I'm going to give drop the letter off at my ex's house on thursday so she can read it the next day when she gets home. I have another question though. we seem to be drifting apart, it's like we have nice talks when we do talk but then she doesn't call me or expresses any interest in being my friend, its like im the only one thats exerting any effort in the situation. Does anyone have an idea if shes doing this intentionally or if shes hurting? help is greatly appreciated

The thing is, the letter is to simply tell her how things stand, from your point of view. It is not, necessarily, going to make everything right for you ~ certainly not immediately.

She has said to you: 'she loves me as a friend, .. having a relationship with her work load is too stressful, .. she hopes we can rekindle after university'.

She probably thinks that you need time apart, so that you can accept that the romantic part of the relationship is over ~ at least for the time-being.

Maybe you will get back together again, after her course has ended. Maybe before then. Maybe never. Maybe you will just remain friends. But, even as friends, she doesn't have to keep in touch with you on a regular basis. She has university work to do and family pressures to deal with.

Remember, you said: 'she said we should be friends and see how it goes, and said she felt pressured'

If you put her under further pressure, you may lose her completely. Don't exert all this effort. It won't help and it might make matters worse. She wants some time and space.

It may be intentional on her part, or she may be hurting. This should have been part of the reason for the letter ~ to say that you will give her space and leave her alone, but to confirm that you are there for her ~ at the end of the phone ~ if ever and whenever she needs you, because she was there for you, when you needed her. Then leave the ball in her court.

What, exactly, are you expecting from her?
You want her to phone you?
You want her to meet up as friends?
You want her to love you again?
You want her to not get involved with other boys?

There is no guarantee of any of this.
No-one can help who they fall in love with ~ and no-one can help falling out of love.

I think that love can be re-kindled, but if this is ever to happen in your case, you will need to respect her decision.

How old are you both?
Sometimes, around the time people go to university, they change ~ mature into adults, if you will. It is then that long-term relationships, which had endured through the teens, can draw to an end.

Not always, though. My husband & I met when we were in our teens & we have now been together, very happily, for nearly 33 years.

Good luck

thanks for the reply. im 17 and she is 18. I want to give her space alone and im trying to, im just scared that she may confide with someone else and they might become closer to her and i'll be kind of left at the side so to speak. I would just like her to open up to me at her own will, obviously i cant do this but ive jsut been trying to think how I could et rid of the awkwardness so i could at least spend time with her over christmas while she is home. I want to help her more than anything, more than getting back together with her I want to be close to her again and just hope i dont get stuck as a friend forever. As you said you believe love can be rekindled and i think right now she is confused and needs someone to talk to, she is very self independent however and tries to deal with stuff without talking much. I think In all honesty that I can get her back (forgive me if that sounds arrogant its not my intention) but first I just want to help her and be there for her. first i need to break this awkwardness

Why don't you just try to be patient, and see how she responds to the letter?

thanks:)

Ive jsut ran through a list of things im going to include please tell me what you think:


[list]
[*] I'm sorry for taking my depression and anger out on her especially because she was trying to help

I'm sorry for not being more understanding and understand how rejected i made her feel but that it wasnt my intention to do so.

I love and care for her a lot and respect her decision and want her to be happy but think that I can make her happy.

that im over the depression and that im improving myself everyday and that I hope one day we can get back together

that im always there for her and i hope we can spend sometime together over christmas

That sounds good ~ perhaps you could make it clearer about respecting her need for time & space.

hi thank you for the reply. here is my letter, I think it needs much editing but i really tried with it. please be harsh with me i want it to be as good as it can, ps i think the part about getting back together needs some change

.....
[Item deleted, at request of poster, for reasons of privacy ~ PDM]

Yes, that seems fine ~ it must be yours & it must come from your own heart.

I really think, though, that you do need to really confirm that you respect her need for time and space space, without pressure ~ and mean it.
Can you give her time, without requesting her attention?

Also, assure her of your willingness to remain friends, even if the relationship doesn't work out ~ provided that you mean it.


Eg.s (but in your own words):

Though I hate it (or 'it hurts me') when we are apart, I realise that you want and need time and space for yourself & to think things over, and I promise that I will respect that decision.

If isn't possible for us to renew our relationship, then I hope that we shall always be friends.

Good luck!

You're a good kid, who knows he did wrong, and you're not hiding behind your depression. You're a man now kid.

Now she'll know that.

Good luck.

thanks for the advice guys and thanks for the kind words SDG. this is the modified version. again please be critical.

.....
[Item deleted, at request of poster, for reasons of privacy ~ PDM]

That sounds very good ~ I'm sure that, whatever she decides to do, she will appreciate it.

Good luck!

thanks:) I went over there before and give it to her personally. she seemed a bit off, i just hope it speaks to her the way i want it to. nothing to do now but wait. thanks for the help everyone. by the way how do i delete the other two posts of the letter that i made, just incase it were found

It's done!

hi guys quick update, we talked online a few days ago for about an hour which really surprised suprised me because she iniciated the conversation. We talked about how university is going for her and how college is going for me etc, nothing serious. she talked about how stressed she was and the like and said that when the term ends she'll be ok. hopefully this is a good sign. I can't thank you all enough for the letter advice:)

Hope all goes well

just an update. I haven't heard anything from her since the 12th and although im still confident things will work out im starting to get dissheartened.

Try to be positive ~ whatever happens.

I will try to be. I have one friend, 2 actually (one is her friend) that are hopeful, her friend is going to try to talk to her casually about it one day over the holidays. I may have said this but my ex is very stubborn ad I'll bet right now she could really use my help, help that im only too happy to give

But people have to make their own decisions ~ and their own mistakes.

do you know of anyone who has been dead set on not returning but has returned to their ex? I'm hoping she will realise how much I meant to her over this Christmas period. I'm torn between making contact and getting reected or maintaining no contact with the chance of her moving on. I just hope our mutual friend can clear things up. one last question, Would there be anyway I could showcase my new qualities to my ex?

Hi Michael

I don't know anyone, but I'm sure that it happens.
Whether it is for the best, or not, is another matter.

I feel that if both people in a relationship are to be happy, then both people have to really want to be in that relationship. Otherwise you get two unhappy people, in a sad relationship, when, if they were free from it, they might each find their true soul-mate, who truly wants to be with them.

There is no point at all in trying to get someone back, who doesn't 100% want to be with you ~ because you just would not be happy, and neither would she.

Now, if it's just a case of sorting out one's life and one's feelings, and then, when sure, committing oneself to a good relationship, that is a different matter.

Also, as in a marriage, sometimes things go wrong because of stress or something else, and partners can either let it go, without a fight, or remember what they once had and try to re-kindle their love. That is worth doing, in my opinion.

The question is, in your case, which scenario is it?
Will things work themselves out, given a bit of time and breathing space?
Could you both benefit from relationship counselling?
Or was this a youthful romance, that has now drifted to a close?

I hope that things work out in your best interests.

hi PDM. My ex told her friend that she only had eyes for me before university and told her that she missed me after she left me so I don't know if its the family/university stress which is causing things. she said she felt bad leaving me here and that things were not working out as she wasn't going to be home most weekends. I really do feel like this relationship is worth saving and although I will not force anything i know in my heart that I can make this girl happy. It's simply a case of how to go about things, I think I can restore what we had. I still think she cares about me and that this can be sorted but if I come on too strong or seem needy then i may wreck what chance I have.

That does sound a bit more promising.
Only time will tell.

I gotta admit that I'm feeling extremly lonely right now, If I know my ex, and i think I do after 3+ years then she'll be feeling the same, to contact or not to contact that is the question. I just wish her friend would hurry and talk to her, patience is a virtue, I guess im just unsure if absence will make the heart grow fonder or her love will wax cold.

It must be very difficult for you ~ and I just don't know what the answer to your dilemma is

first id like to wish everyone all the best in this holiday season, i trust it is a happy one. Well I've been naughty...I broke no contact yesterday by sending a text. we had a nice light conversation and she said that she was goingto see me on tuesday but was worried that i didnt want to see her or not, i then suggested we go out tonight (yesterday) but she said "maybe before I go home, ive got another week left before i have to go home, ill text you and we can sort something". Is she interested? Is she just being a friend? Am i just being used to cover the lonelyness of christmas? who knows

Merry Christmas, Michael. Nothing wrong with "simply friendship." It can be quite special. Try it. You might like it. Friendship, which values the other as much as self, is a good way to learn how to be in a romantic relationship.

Hi thank you for the response:), do you mean see how it goes as friends, getting to know each other again (in a way) then possibly progressing? or just simply stay as friends?

I think you start with that, and see how it goes. Takes the pressure off her, and you, too - for that matter. Being friends is not really all that simple. If you are a good friend, and feel an attraction as well, the chances are better, I think, that you will act responsibly in romance.

Also, to be blunt, you will need to regain her trust.

Please note that I am not saying that you need to walk around feeling guilty. With any couple, each will sometimes do things that hurt the other. If the hurt can be forgiven, you learn from it and go on. In time, your relationship may be better than you thought it was at first.

It will be honest.

The main thing that I got from what PDM said is that if she does not want to have a romantic relationship with you, can you be "big" enough to be a good friend?

And if you think you're not quite strong enough yet for that, tell her so, without emotional blackmail.

Are you definitely going to be seeing her?

If so, you should get an idea, then, about how things really stand from her point of view.

But try not to pressure her ~ if you do, you could possibly only push her further away.

She has made virtually no effort to contact me since she has split up, I don't know what her reasons are for that (space to heal, to think or just to get me out of her life) either way an honest answer would suite me fine. She talked about seeing me, but like i said she seemed to go cold by saying "maybe before I go home". Im not going to get my hopes of seeing her, I'll just wait to see how things turn out. I love this girl with all my heart, and weve both done things to hurt each other, at the end of the day I can't bring her back, it must be her choice, I just hope shes happy and that I can be soon. Thanks for all the help I really appreciate it, It means a lot to know that I can come on here and talk to people that I don't know to get an outsiders opinion.:) thank you

I could be wrong - and I know you hope I am, but it seems to me that you already have your answer. The "maybe" may be some ambivalence or even some feeling tender about the past, but it may be that she senses that the two of you together is not something that feels right to her.

Expect nothing, do your grieving, and work on your own life. This last is more important than anything else right now, I believe.

Who knows what the future will bring?

I have to agree with Carl, I'm, afraid.