RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Confused about a recent break up

Well I have been weight lifting for like the last 3 years. I am big on fitness and somewhat an expert on nutrition. I used to train 5 times a week. My natrual weight is about 12stone (170lbs) I built myself up to 14 stone (roughly 200lbs) of lean muscle. So yeah that is a big hobby of mine. However i stopped training about 2 or 3 months ago because of money probs. I earn a decent wage for my age but with this global crisis right now my money has to go elsewhere. With my gym fee and the amount of food a i needed, supplements, and I was eating 8 or 9 times a day it is a lot of money at the end of the month.

I have thought about going back and not doing so many weights that way my nutritonal needs won't be as high but i dont like doing an half arsed job. I do also play for an online gaming clan called UsR and we are one of the best teams in the world but i would rather do something that gets me out more. I go out with my friends all the time but I do find large chuncks of time of where i have nothing to do.



Thanks for the advice man, most of what you have said I have been asking myself. The problem is I can't give an accurate answer because my feelings developed after we split so it is a tough one to call.

I do need to speak to her about this because I need to know how she feels rather than just wondering the whole time. I fully expect her to say she is happy being single. If that is the case atleast then I will know for sure because when we split she didn't know how she felt.

I am having an hard time because I don't know she feels, I don't know how I feel and If I don't know how I feel then I don't know how to deal with it, because I don't know what I have to deal with.

I can't help but think that because I didn't really chase her in the relationship and maybe she got scared and thought "he don't like me as much as I like him" and she put barriers up to protect herself? That may be completely wrong but she done most of the chasing and I done hardly any.

She was the first girl in 3 years i let get anywhere near close to me and i still had barriers up to protect myself. Throughout the relationship i never missed her, maybe i stopped myself from feeling out of fear of getting hurt? But now I miss a lot. Maybe it is just her companionship i miss i cant give an answer to that, but there is something i really miss about her. How could I not miss her while were together and now I miss her more than ever?

I am inclind to just play it slow, keep talking to her as normal and not tell her how I feel, but then what if she is scared to tell me how she feels. Afterall I told her "I don't want a break, we either stay together or split up" So I never gave the time to think. I told her "I am not prepared to wait around for you to make a decision so I am going to make the decision for you and call it quits" I think i done this as a defensive measure and maybe she was take back by this? Maybe she is thinking "He ain't going to wait for me so I am not going to tell him how I feel"

Basically now I am second guessing my decisions and my words and that isn't me. I am normally very sure about my choices and I stick by them. It is a amazing after 3 years that one girl can make me question everything I have said and done without even saying anything to me.

One thing for sure woman are a powerful force in this world, 5mins of there time and they can get anything they want from a guy. lol

It's funny how many men, on here, say that they don't understand the way that they have been treated by women and how many women say that they don't understand the way that they have been treated by men. We are all just human, after all.

But I keep suggesting that people read the books about how men's and women's minds work differently ~ eg Gray's Venus & Mars books & the Pease books, etc.

They may sound silly, and I don't agree with all of it, but I do think that a lot of it can be very helpful, when it comes to dealings with the opposite gender.

Update. I was speaking to my ex on the phone this evening, general chit chat but she had just got in from work and she had things to do so she said she will call me back when she is done.

I had enough of waiting to tell her how i felt so i just premeptied it and sent it in a txt before she could call back because the phone convos were going nowhere.

I told her everything, it was a very long txt. I told her how I have been confused about how I feel about her but in the last 2 weeks or so my feelings have got stronger for her and i realise now that I want to be with her. These are things i never told her when we were together. I told her that i dont expect anything from her and that I had to take a chance with her by telling her how i felt. I also said it would be good to know how she feels either way.

The way i see it i got tired of sitting here wondering how she feels. Somone had to take that leap of faith so I done it. What kind of a guy whould I be if couldn't tell a woman how I felt about her? Atleast now I have gave her something to think about. I have put the ball in her court and wemt on the offensive for a change. Even If she doesn't get back to me then I still have my answer. if she gets back to me then again I have my answer, either way it is better than not knowing.

I feel a little bit better that i sent that message because she knows how i feel now and she will have to think about what I have said now.

I have played my hand, It will either work or it will but at the end atleast I can say i had the guts to put myself on the line, I had the guts to take a chance with it, and when stood face to face with my own anxiety I stood my groud and refused to be stopped.

When you were young, did you ever have any toys that you liked, but never really played with that much? Did this toy ever break or did you lose it, and you felt horrible about it?

My point is, have you ever heard the old saying "You never know what you have, until its gone."

Its true, the things we take for granted are the ones that we never should have. We're all guilty of this. Sometimes we don't even realize it until its no longer a part of our lives.

The barriers we make are what keep us safe from the slings and arrows of life, but sometimes these barriers are so powerful, they can even stop the softest touch from someone else.



All women are different. Some like to be chased, others hate it. Some like to be teased and treated like pals more so than mates. Some will accept the things you like, others will try their hardest to like it, some will flat out tell you they hate all the things you like. Some like to go out, some stay in. Some will even go as far as play hard to get until you propose. I honestly don't think that she was afraid that you didn't like her, but I think she was afraid because she was beginning to like you.

I don't know how you are in real life, but if you're anything like me, it can be difficult for anyone to get to know the true us because of how you may portray yourself. For instance, being mysterious and never telling the whole truth about yourself, the music/movies you like, the way you speak, the company you keep, even the things you like to do in your spare time, these things add up. Women subconsciously pick up on this as well, and determine everything depending on what they see, and what you tell them. Sometimes what they pick up on is incredibly wrong, but its what they determine.



Taking this step is the hardest. You're basically taking off your armor and spray painting a target over your heart. Sometimes you need to go all out and bet it all on the table, waiting to see if you win big, or go home.

I would have suggested that instead of texting this to her, that you would have spoken to her on the phone or in person, however this is just how I would have done it. I'm a very "up in your face" kinda person. :p but still as long as its said, it doesn't matter how you do it. This is always the most difficult thing to ever do, and I know where you're coming from on this one.

The last piece of advice I can give you is this... and please forgive me if I sound a little crude or crass.

You need to prepare yourself mentally for what her answer could be. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Practice the scenario in your head. Practice what you'll say to her in the event of a "no" and also in the event of a "yes." You can never be fully prepared, but at least you'll have some ammo to protect yourself.

I do hope she gives you another chance. Truly I do, but be prepared man... be prepared.

wow SDG you should write a book on this stuff. Your writing style is so inspiring.

I Have had the same thoughts of what you just wrote but I am no closer to an answer because I do need to know how she feels.

I do agree I should have done it over the phone and I fully inteneded to do that but our phone convo's were going nowhere. It is like we were both avoiding the subject. So I wrote it all down and sent it to her. It is now down to her what she does with the information. I just hope she has the courage to write back to me and give me an answer, good or bad.

I had to put everything I had and bet it all on one hand because I need to know. I am someone who likes to have all the facts in front of me in a nutshell. I don't like thinkg "what if" I don't like second guessing myself and to be honest at the moment this is one problem I don't need right now. There is a lot going on right now and there is a lot that I can't control. I have some control over this part of my life so I have to take control. If I win or lose atleast I will know and I can move on.

Confusion has been with me throughout this whole situation and it is time to find some clarity. Right now I am not thinking straight, I can't focuss in work, I don't feel motivated and I don't feel like I want to go out. I have still been doing all these things but it is getting difficult.

I think that it's really good that you finally feel sure enough of your feelings to lay them before her.

I think that a letter would have been good ~ but, in this day and age, I suppose a text is ok. It will certainly serve the purpose and shed a little more light on the situation for you.

Good luck!

Well she still hasn't replied. I am tempted to call her and just have it out with her but I don't want be pushy and demanding.

Not to be all self self but I think I deserve an answer. I certainly need an answer.

Last night I wrote down all the reasons we are not right for each other and when I think about it perhaps we are not right for each other? If that being the case I don't know why I am feeling so xxxx about it this. The first 4 weeks I didn't know what to think but for the most part I was ok. However now, 6 weeks on i feel worse than I did at the start.

I have got this the wrong way round, I should have felt worse at the start and should be feeling slightly better now.

I hate this, I know now why I stayed single for 3 years by choice and it was to avoid going through this xxxx again.

When we spoke on the phone i put on this complete act of saying "Yeah I am fine, been really busy and i feel good" I think she done the same as we both avoided talking about "us" Now it seems she doesn't want to talk about us at all. I have told her how I feel and I have asked her to tell me how she feels, the least she could do would be to just write back and tell me. But maybe this is another case of where she is showing the immaturity for her age. Maybe this is the immaturity of being 19, but she has been so mature about the whole thing and that has suprised me.

Maybe blurting out your feelings like that took her by surprise, and she just needs a little time to re-assess the situation.

And yes, being 19 may be a factor ~ it may or may not be the maturity / immaturity factor, though.

You can write down a million things that are wrong with someone, but sometimes, all you need is 1 right thing to overtake everything. If you feel you two aren't right for each other, then maybe you're really not, but you have to believe that 100%.

To be honest... I know exactly what you mean by the first 4 weeks. I can back this up with my personal experience. First few weeks I also felt very relieved. It's been a month already for me, and now as recently as three days ago, I'm at that stage where you're at. Where I miss G in every aspect, physically, sexually, communicatively, and personally. It makes absolute sense though.

Reason (at least to me) is because during the first few weeks, you feel strong, you feel relieved, your anxiousness no longer matters because you have nothing left to fear concerning her... but now you're starting to lament, you start to realize what exactly you miss. Its not uncommon, not at all. You never gave yourself a chance to be sad, and I never did either, time was too short to even worry, and it didn't seem even worth it to feel pain. Life warranted keeping busy, keeping occupied, but when everything either slows down, or becomes less of an adventure or challenge and more of a routine... that's when you find yourself thinking... always thinking... and it sucks... really really sucks.



Someone once told me... if you never give people a chance, then you'll never find your second half. I think my reply was something like "yes... but the coffee is too good in la-la-land."

There are two types of people in the world, generally speaking.

Those that require ample and liberal amounts of people to surround them. They are happy being part of the attention or crowd. They settle, never do they fight for what they want, sometimes they don't even know what they want. Always meeting new people and having fun with their friends; the dozens of friends they keep. They are quick to trust everyone, and quicker to forget by all. They do what everyone else does, they sometimes don't even have anything original that defines them. When you say to them "I want to know the real you." their response is always "There is nothing really to tell/There's not much to me/I'm not really all that exciting or special." I like to call these people "Expendables."

Then, there are those that need close to nothing. They have few friends, but the friends they have, they are for life. They trust few, but those they trust, they trust with their life. They know what they want the moment they wake up to the moment they fall asleep at night. Sometimes, they are the center of attention, sometimes they are hidden in the back. People are drawn to them, people like them, and they don't know why. They blend into any crowd, they belong to no one group, they live in the moment, but also plan ahead, they live for today, but hope for tomorrow, and they are never ever forgotten. They're your musicians, your fighters, your heroes, they're even the loud guy that sings at work. I call these people "Non-expendables."

You my friend, you are non-expendable. People like you because you are true to yourself. People admire that, and when someone hurts someone like us, the world feels it.

You don't let many people into your life because you're afraid of if/when they're going to leave. That's our virtue and our vice. An expendable can come and go, but a non-expendable is for life. As much as you want to let people in, its difficult. Maybe you've been hurt too many times, maybe you don't trust people, maybe you think too much, I don't know for sure, maybe its even all three, maybe its neither.

If you wanted to be single for 3 years, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It just means you were waiting for the right person to come along, the one that just made your world. I don't know if this girl has the ability to do that for you, but it does sound like it, and to someone like us, it means a lot. Everyone says getting hurt is a part of life, its true, it is, but the difference between an E and a NE is how it affects them.

I agree, you do need an answer from her. Give her the time to think yes, but you will need an answer. Not for notice, not for the sake of it, but for closure. For either making or breaking your relationship. I wont go as far to say your girl is an E, but I know G is. I've come to realize that. G is an E, and I am an NE. There are millions like her, but there are few, if any, like me. Likewise for you. The closure of this chapter in your life is what you need. Whether she wants you, or not, it will end this chapter in your life, and you will begin another chapter, but in order to do so, you need the closure, the conclusion, the end. I didn't get my closure with G, and as I said before, her words said one thing but her lips said another. I wont take over your post and talk about myself, but I will say this, don't be like me and run away, find your peace, and begin your new chapter, don't end your chapter on a TBC.



Of course you would tell her you're fine. No one wants to hear the latter, and no one will ever say the latter. Maybe you are correct in her being immature for her age. I dated a girl once who was three years older than me, but she was very immature. Age really has nothing to do with it, but it does play a role at times. She will eventually speak to you about it, it will come up at one time, when she's ready, believe you me. Playing the waiting game sucks, especially when its not on your terms. If you feel inclined to find the truth, you can ask her. I doubt she would see you as pushy, but if she does, then it sadly means she's not giving it her all. Not wanting to be put on the spot. No one likes being put on the spot, but as I said in a previous post, your feelings are just as important, if not more.

I want to leave you with one last thing. These are lyrics from a favorite song of mine. The song is called "Half-Truism" by the Offspring.

"Your own liberation will leave them behind
All the slings and arrows that rain on your mind
Don't make it better
Break it cause it never mattered anyway"

You are your own worst enemy. No one can ever hurt you as much as you can hurt yourself. So everything that happens, though painful, makes you stronger. And though you miss her, if you can wake up every morning, take a breath; you'll see that the world will get brighter again, and your war will come to an end one day.

Hey guys.

Well I finally got to the bottom of this last Thursday. It is completely finished. She wants to be single, she likes being single and she told me she doesn't want to be with anyone at the moment.

I totally understand that and you know what? I haven't felt this good in 6 weeks. Not knowing what was going on was killing me but now I know and I can move on. I am sure I will have a few bad days but I have had my low point already so I can only get better from this point on.

I am now questioning if it was true feelings I had for this girl because once it was sorted I felt completely different. I didn't feel hurt I felt that I got the clarity I had been seeking and everything seemed so much more clear. So did I have feelings for this girl or was I just going mad not knowing? I can't really answer that 100% just yet but I have felt so much better since we sorted this.

SDG. Dude you should be a writer or something, your writing style truely impresses me and it is so Inspirting. Thank you for all of your support. I hope you can move on swiftly in your situation and you can find the answers you are looking for.

PDM. Thanks for replying to everying I have put on here, you have been soo much help and I appreciate your support through this.

You guys are truely Awesome.