RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Confused about a recent break up

I don't believe myself. I eneded up sending a txt message to my ex today. I woke up this morning really missing her, which is strange because all of this week i havent missed her at all but today was different.

Anyways i was bored this afternoon so i was txting some friends and without even realising it i txt my ex. I didn't realise what I had done until i sent the txt and i have been kicking myself since then. I know it sounds strange but it was like auto pilot, i just txt her without thinking!

The message read something like this.

"Hey ya. How are you? We ain't spoke in a while so i thought i might as well send a txt. Hows things with ur family? I hope u r ok. I was going to call u to see if you are ok but i thought you wouldn't want to talk to me. If you want to txt back it would be good to hear from you. I've missed you"

I went nearly 4 weeks without contacting her and I let myself down. I am kiciking myself so badly. Why did i do this without realising it? Agrhhhhhhhhh! She aint txt back yet.

Why?

Because you wanted to.

And you wanted to know how she would react.

Well she txt back that same day. She said.

"Hey, I know I haven't spoke to you om a while, I've not been in the best of moods lately, I've not even seen my friends. I do want to spesk to you, I will call you soon."

By the sounds of that she seems like she is worse off than i am. I thought hearing something like that would make me feel better but if anything it made me feel worse because I want to be there for her. When somone I care about, friends, family etc i feel it with them and i am automatically there for them.

I want to talk to her but i am don't if i shall call her or wait for her to call me. I mean take the past out of the equation i generally want to be there for her.

She said that she will call you, so I think that you should respect that, don't you?

However, there is no reason, I suppose, why you couldn't answer her with something like:

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling down.
You know that I am here for you, if you need me.
Let me know if you do.
I'll look forward to hearing from you.

Yeah i hear ya. I have already sent her a similar message saying i will be there for her.

It's hard not to call because i am so protective over everyone i care about, so i am having to fight who i am in this case. I am the person who is always there and cares for the people close to me. It's very hard to switch that part of me off.

Then I am thinking do i want to call so i can see where everything stands? The reason being i never got a clear answer of why she wanted to end it and in the end i had to make the choice for her because she was so confused and wanted to go on a break. 4 weeks down the line, although i do feel better about the whole thing i am still confused about it. I never got that full closure, even when i ended it we both still in a way left the door open for each other.

That may not be a bad thing for now.

Maybe the time for final decisions is when one or both of you is feeling less confused.

Yeah, its always a kind of strange feeling when the answer you receive either 1) Makes no sense or 2) Isn't good enough. Though, sometimes all you can really do is take it as it is.

I know this reply is kinda late, but I was just curious if things have gotten better for you.

Well she called me 3days ago. Well First of all I sent her a txt asking to talk and she called me the day after.

We it is just a normal convo, it was like nothing had happened between us. We were talking about what we have been up2 in the last month blah blah. It was late and we had to both get up for work the next day so we didn't get to speak about us.

At the end of the convo I told her I wanted to talk to her because I have been missing her. She said "I have missed you to but I can't talk about that right now because I have family here"

I am not to sure what she meant by "I can't talk about that right now"??? I didn't ask her to talk about anything.

Unfortunately I don't feel any better, I am still well and truely stuck on the fence. I don't know If I want her back or I want things to stay as they are. All I know is that I do have feelings for her still but I don't want these feelings because they won't allow me to move on. I think this is happening because I don't know how she feels right now so I think I do need to talk to her about this but at the sametime I don't want to because I don't want to hurt her and I don't to get hurt. Even if she said right now to me "I want you back" I don't know if I would say yes.

Right now I feel really bad about the whole thing I just can't seem to resolve this conflict.

Do you have a demanding and enjoyable hobby, or something like that, which you could really devote yourself to until you and she can sort this out?

I agree with PDM on this one. If you remember my post correctly, I did somewhat the same thing.

Started going to the gym more and more and started a new demanding job. It doesn't fix the pain, but it gives you less time to think about it.

As for her words to you... I've been told similar lines. Usually what that means (in my experience) is they do (to some extent) miss you, but with the situation at hand that it may not have been the right time to say it. Also, because of her family being near, she didn't want to get into it (maybe for fear of being emotional.)

You were right about us being in similar situations. So maybe I can try to help you out with my experiences in both my previous and past relationships.

As you said: You had been single for a while and used to it.

I felt the same way. Sometimes I felt as though I would be a bad boyfriend just because of this. A previous g/f (M for simplicity) would constantly say I was "too secretive" because I would go off and do things alone, which were usually dumb things like shopping for clothes, reading, even outside my apartment smoking a cigarette, but because I wasn't including her, I was being secretive. M would constantly get into it with me saying that I was this and that because I wasn't giving it my all, which I was, only that being used to being alone was of a greater part of my life than that of being together.

Also you said: That it got physical very quickly.

This, could also mean a few bad things as well. Sorry to say. I've noticed that when a relationship goes from friendly to extremely friendly in moments, that it can have strange repercussions. The way I describe it is as follows:

Its like you've won the trophy without even doing the race... but still want to do the race.

What I mean by this is, when you get into a physical relationship so quickly, and still want the relationship to follow, it can be difficult. As for why it becomes difficult, I haven't the slightest, but generally it is true, least on my part and for a few people I know. It is possible that she is afraid of commitment in that magnitude, but still willing to have sex. I know that may sound very shallow and strange, but it can happen, and it does. Could be fear of getting hurt, or could be fear of love itself, I haven't the slightest idea. It really does suck when you're on the losing end of this one.

I do honestly think that yes, you are falling (if not already) for this girl. The mere fact that you miss her shows that you do have feelings, and very strong ones for her. Maybe you had never given it thought before, but it was waiting to surface one day. Maybe you grew to like her, the things she does, says or even the way she acts; and that being apart from her, you miss those little things, which all add up to why you miss her and form a unity.

There is some advice I want to give you. As follows in the form of questions that you should ask yourself.

1) Do I really want her back?: If you do, ask yourself why. Does she make me happy? Does she make me genuinely smile? Do I feel peaceful with her? If you can answer yes to all of them, then yes you do want her back. However... you must also ask yourself this question.

2) Is she worth it?: Reason for this question is, similar to my experiences with G (the girl that I made my post about.) Your girl and G seem to be similar. They don't know what they truly want, and can never give an honest, 100% answer. You must ask yourself... can I live with always wondering? Can I live always looking over my shoulder? Can I live with having to wait for her to call/text/msg which could span hours upon days? Can I live with no honesty and the lack of honest commitment? If you answer no to any of these questions... then maybe you would have to rethink everything.

It seems to me that you are a stronger man than I; just because you are still speaking with her. I haven't spoken with G for a while now, and I don't plan on it. By your girl saying she misses you... girls don't say things like that unless its true, even a little bit true. However, it could mean that she misses your companionship and friendship more so than your relationship. This is also common... and it really sucks especially when your feelings are romantic.

I'll tell you... flat out... When you have feelings for someone, genuine feelings, you'll never rid yourself of them, they're forever. You may replace her one day, but you'll always have a tiny spark for her, and only for her. You may have a flame the size of a mountain for someone else, but that little spark will always be there. Its what makes us human, to feel that love.

I can't tell you what to do. I'm a coward compared to you, I ran away from G, so I'll never have the chance to hear if she misses me or not, nor will she ever know that I miss her.

Whether she comes back to you, or whether she decides to keep you as a friend, you must decide. You have the decision to tell her yes or no. Your feelings are just as important as hers. Don't ever treat her like a stranger, speak with her the way you always have, let her know that you're still the same person deep down inside.