RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Am I in a Desperate Situation Now?

I think that you have some things in common with the girl in this thread, so do have a look:

http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=217851#Post217851

Who can say?

It seems that he did love you, but could not cope with the emotional highs and lows, and now that he is away from them, he has decided that this is better for him, and he has had to draw a line under the past.

Can you really take the pressure off?

Think what we might have said if he had sent in his problem.

Originally Posted By: CrystalHeart.... Does it mean that no matter what i do, nothing can help anymore????

Let me tell you one thing I can almost guarantee... there is nothing you can do to help RIGHT NOW.

Please continue taking care of yourself and put this past relationship thing aside for a while. Right now you need to be more important to you... don't worry what he thinks right now because it doesn't matter.

The future may be a different story, but you need to live in the now to get through this.

The thing is, both of you are probably hurting just now and it's difficult to know how things will work out, or what might be the best outcome for each of you. It's good that you are having the counselling. This could help either way, I'm sure. I agree with four keets about taking care of yourself and keeping positive and active in things that interest you. As I said, it would be interesting to hear his angle on all this. Both of you may well be in the right & in the wrong. This is what often happens when people argue & fall out. I have put together an imaginary summary from his viewpoint, based on what you have said. Read it and have a think. Could it possibly be how he is feeling? How would you react to something like this if you were replying on here. [quote=imaginarysummary]I am Scandinavian & my ex-girlfiend is Chinese. We lived together for almost a three years & planned to spend our lives together, but in July, while I was working away and she was visiting family, I broke up with her. We had just had an argument on the phone ~ one of many throughout our relationship. She always pushes to get her own way ~ though she thinks it's me who is stubborn! I told her that I cannot be pushed. I realised that our relationship would have to end. I was straight with her and told her that it was over and we would not get back together. I'm a fairly quiet person and I realised while we were apart that I could no longer cope with all the drama. I didn’t want to be harsh on her, but she was still acting just like before, though she said that she had changed ~ pushing to get her own way. But my opinion matters too. One cannot be pushed into loving someone. She has to accept my opinion, even if she doesn’t agree with it. I realise that I had given her no sign of the break up; indeed I had written letters to her, saying how much I loved her and would always love her. I didn't know then how I would feel while we were apart ~ that I would realise that the emotional pressure was too much for me. She is a sweet girl ~ & popular ~ but we fought from the very beginning. At first, it didn't matter. I thought that true love drives people crazy and believed that things would change. I have sometimes said that I stopped loving her a while ago ~ but maybe it was just the emotional behaviour. She would scream & shout for attention, even in the supermarket. People must have thought that I was maltreating her. I forgave her. At Christmas, she packed her bags and left. That was when I first thought that our relationship might have to end, but I forgave her again and she came back. Now I've been able to think, and to experience time without the arguments. I realised, quite suddenly, that we must break up. I don't think that she can change her ways, which means arguments all the way. I tend to relent when I see her, which is why I had to do this while there was space between us. When she flew out to see me, I could not allow myself to give in, so I shouted at her to leave. This must be hard on her but I have to end it. She was so mad and upset that she started making threats. She says that her heart is broken, but I cannot change my mind now and I cannot be forced to continue a love affair that is not right for us.[/quote] As I said, it's just imaginary, but it is based on some things that you said and it might enable us all to see things from different angles and to try to understand and respond to both sides. I wish you both well. You both sound as if you are very nice people ~ who may just need some relationship counselling. :)

Again, thanks so much for your help, PDM, and Four Keets.
And PDM, your immaginarysummery is absolutly brilliant!!!! I cannot believe it when I read it---coz im feeling so much like reading him or his words. The way you write is so much alike to his,and so TRUE!!! That's exactly what he feels right now.
Anyway, I will definitly follow your suggestion: doing nothing but taking care of myself now.
And I read that link, PDM. Yes, somehow we are similar, that Swedish guy and my ex are both quiet type, and my ex even told me the same thing that he also thinks that he will live a life alone, and then he met me. Now I doubt whether it's something that all Scandinavian people say:) Kidding.
However, she is in a much positive situation than I am. If they are taking a break, it means they really want it work and save up. However, I did not even have this chance now:( And her bf still love her, while mine told me and my friends very directly that he doesnt love me anymore and he will never love me again and he will never come back to be my boyfriend.
I was having sometime with my boss' family last night. They both from Norway, and they told me to move on. It seems that this breaking up thing is more and more popular in Scandinavia now. People just leave if they dont feel love anymore. They told me one of their friend's husband told his wife he wanna get some tobaco one day and then he never come back again:( So upset. And of course it's not sth. to be proud of or sth. right that you just break up like this or from a phone call,or via email or text message, but if it happens, what can u do about it?
The reason I cannot just give him up, is also because I am very clear that I am the one who has to take the most responsibility,and I know how much he loved me before, and how I did not cherish it!!!!! Like I said, many people will just scream and run away the first day if I treat them like I did to him. That's why I think he is somehow a bit different from the others. He understands and tolerants more about the culture thing than others, it seems. That's why I cannot just follow the advices from all the other people from his culture-----forget him, and move on!!!! Iam still hoping rely on his difference from his people!

He was on MSN today. He never logged on again since we broke up. I was a bit excited, and then of course started talking with him. We had chit chat at the beginning. And then I asked him about his business trip to London next month. I dont know whether i crossed the line or not. But I asked him whether we can meet in Copenhagen airport. And then he said, sorry, but i dont want to. I said fine, sorry for asking. And then he told me again: We will never be together again. But I still care a lot about you. I never want to be back with you again, and that will never change.
Then of course, I cried so much the whole afternoon. And I dont know what I can say and can do anymore.
Why he has to smash my heart so completly all the time?

I don't know either of you, but I am guessing that he is acting out of self-preservation. He is very fond of you, but feels that a relationship with you was, & will continue to be, destructive to him, so he feels that he cannot allow you into his heart and life any more.

I think that perhaps you should just accept this and move on.

The only thing that I might suggect is that you write to him and explain how you feel, but that you do understand how he feels too.
Try to put yourself in his shoes.

Tell him, perhaps, that you have been getting help, opinions and advice and that you are getting counselling, because you know that, though you love him, your extreme behaviour towards him is destructive.

You could ask him if there is any chance at all of a future reconciliation, if you could get help and get rid of the negative behaviour.

But threats and hysteria are only going to make things worse, so your communication will have to be reasoned, logical, understanding and appreciative of what he has been saying to you.

Give it time ~ either you will find that you can move on; or you can learn to control your extreme behaviour and maybe, just maybe, you might get back with him.

I think that it might be worth you examining why you behave as you do.

Why do / did you push him to the limits to prove his love for you?

Why did you have a tantrum at the supermarket ~ that's what my kids did when they were toddlers?

Is it that you have a history of rejection, or were you perhaps a 'spoilt' child?

You need to look at yourself and your behaviour objectively rather than subjectively.

I would also recommend that you read some books on the differences between the brains of men & women ~ something like the Venus & Mars books would do, & there are others. They can be very illuminating and can help relationships to work, in my opinion.

Thanks so much for your quick reply. I am crying and dying home, ALONE. I now start to be afraid of hearing anything from him now, coz i still can be affected by him so much so easily. I havent contact him for almost 1 month, and i at least do not feel this pain like i am feeling now.
And about your suggest, PDM, yes, i will try my best to think in his shoes, but asking "You could ask him if there is any chance at all of a future reconciliation, if you could get help and get rid of the negative behaviour." Trust me, he will out of nature just say no. I will never be together with you again, or I will never love you again. I cannot ask him about anything now about the second chance it seems.
And he even told me, if I can really change, it's good for me, but it doesnt matter for him anymore.
when he started to contact me today, i was so excited and nervous and cannot believe it's trune, but now it's such a kind of ending. I am so in a mess now, my brain, i dont know what i should do. He told me he just wants to know everything is fine with me or not. He still cares a lot for me, but not love anymore, and will never again.
He uses never in almost every sentence.

I think that the 'never' is a safety mechanism for him. He probably does mean it because he feels that it is the only way to protect himself from a destructive relationship.

When I suggested that you ask him that question, it was only because you seemed so sure that the two of you were destined to get back together.
Also, I wasn't suggesting that he would answer or agree, just that, if you were determined to try, that this might be something that you could put to him ~ without pressure of any reply.

If you do change ~ then maybe he will change, too.
You cannot expect this, but it might just be a possibility.

And, as he says, if you do change, it will benefit future relationships for you ~ with him or with someone else.

But do look inside yourself, at what is going on and why.

You are bound to feel sad and lonely and confused and rejected right now, so look after yourself and try to get involved in positive interests.

Perhaps you could spend some quality time with friends or family. Have you asked them for unbiased opinions on you and your relationship?



Good luck!

I am totally ALONE here now in Sweden. No friends. I lived in a city in the North before, and then we planned the future together, so I moved to the south now. I havn't met anyone yet, staying in my room alone all the time. And I cannot concentrate on my study or work at all. Too bad. Not mention my family who are far away from me back in China.
I dont know what I should do now.
I already got a Master from Sweden. I can find a good job easily in China. However, the university I got accepted now is the best one in Sweden. But I will still get a Master only in 2 years.
I dont even know I should stay in Sweden or just go back to China now. We planned everything together. Now everything becomes pointless to me now.
Sweden is not like U.S or Canada. It's not an immigration coutry. Thus, if i cannot get the working permit in future, I still have to go back to China in any case. I dont know. I dont know where is my future and what i should do now.
No matter how nice he was to me before, this way of breaking up is really too harsh. He refuses talking to me,.talking about whether I should go on staying or not. I feel so desperate now. And I almost start to hate him now. No matter what, I think I deserve a normal talk when we break up. I deserve we figure out what i should do next.