My ex and i recently broke up less than a month ago. before then, we went out for almost 2 years. we were almost the perfect couple in a lot of ppl's eyes. ppl would constantly joke about attending our future wedding... even though we're both 19 at the moment. I actually broke up with him for many reasons. For the past 1/2 year, i've noticed a change in our relationship. we've been talking less, and he's constantly out with his friends. sometimes they'd go out for the entire day and night... and he wouldn't even tell me. i was fine with it at first, but things only got worse. even when we talk, we wouldn't know what to say to each other for a while. there would be those little uncomfortable moments of silence. he'd constantly still tell me that he loves me though.
After our breakup, we both decided to be friends, since neither of us wanted to lose touch completely. we both agreed that we still had feelings for each other, but the relationship just wasn't working out. sometimes, we'd talk on the phone for hours at night and fall asleep till morning only to realise that we forgot to hang up. it's strange that the words come more naturaly AFTER we've broken up.. and not during the relationship. He even told me that now that we're friends, he values our friendship and even said he'll consider me as his best friend. But friendship, i know, is difficult especially if we both still have feelings for each other. I've thought about the option of getting back together, but it seems unlikely that we could make it work. we've been on and off before, and many times its caused by the same problems despite what we said about fixing them.
Just 3 days ago, I watched my uncle die in front of me from Cancer. I'm in Canada taking care of my aunt and her 4 yr old daughter while my home is in the States. The atmosphere is killing me, along with my immense sense of homesickness. I'd be staying at least another 1/2 month to make sure everything is settled and help as much as I can. Its just so much pressure having everything happen all at the same time. I'm so used to having my bf being there for me when I needed someone to talk to. These days, he's been too busy with a new girl. Yesterday I told him online the images of my uncle huanting me along with the pressure of making sure my little cousin is taken care of and out of my aunt's way temporarily and my feeling of homesickness. He tried to comfort me... only to be cut off with the words that he had plans later on that day so he couldn't talk long. I then asked what his plans are, only to discover that it's going to the movies and dinner with his friend's sister. I'm heartbroken though I know I shouldn't be. I can't sleep at night.. constantly thinking about all that's been going on. Someone help me... sigh.

You have lots of options. One, tell him how u feel... i wouldn't go with that one, but mayb u want 2. Option 2, find something 2 take up your time, hang out with your girlfriends and just relax... I heard that always helps. Your third option, find some other guy u r interested in. There must b someone, and after u start hanging out with your new boyfriend, you'll forget about your ex in no time. And remember, if your relationship was going on and off, then it probably wasn't the rite match. There'll b someone 4 u out there. Someone that won't wander off, someone that'll b made just 4 u! Hope that helps! (That's the best I could do considering I'm not 19)

Hi lostbunnyrabbit and welcome

I am so sorry about your uncle ~ it must be very hard for all of you to cope with.

At times like this we do need a shoulder. You are taking on your aunt's grief and your little cousin's ~ but who is taking on yours? Who is helping you cope with this responsibility?

It's right now that you need someone, and your ex seems to be the ideal person. He's been close to you; he cares about you; he is your friend,

But ...


The thing is, you made the decision to end the relationship, you are a long way off, and, as you say, he tried to comfort you, but he is just trying to get on with his life.

Ask yourself ~ do you feel heartbroken because you are grieving and homesick and alone, or is it because he may have a new girlfriend? (Is it possible that she is just a friend?)

If you were back home, amongst friends, and all was well with your uncle, would you still feel heartbroken if he was seeing another girl?

You have a lot going on in your life ~ a lot of sadness ~ and no-one to unload your negative feelings onto and, as they say, a problem shared is a problem halved.

It may have helped you to unburden yourself on here, but isn't there someone else you could talk to? A female friend perhaps?

You are probably in turmoil, but you need to try to think, when you are feeling calm, what sort of relationship you really want with this boy.

I think things may really be better for me if i were home and without the worries of my uncle's situation. however, i know that i'd still be jealous. i don't know what's gotten into me. it's like i can't live with him, but yet i can't live without him... I'm starting to have second thoughts of our break-up. i don't know if i should say something to him though. I feel like he really is moving on, and it'll be selfish of me to ask for him back right after a breakup that was my idea in the first place. At the moment i'm just trying to restrain my emotions. I know i really shouldn't be feeling this way, but few ppl can control their feelings. What i really want is to just move on as well... and not be stuck in the past. I know i'll probably not be happy even if we're back together. It's just hard i guess knowing that another girl has what used to be so closely mine, someone whom i believe i still have feelings for. He was actually my first bf, believe it or not. yea... i started dating kinda late. Maybe all these emotions also come from my inexperience in dating and seeing other people. yet, whenever i see a guy in any other-than-friends way, i'm reminded of my bf. should i try to distance myself from him or should i really tell him how i feel? i know there's other fish in the sea, but what if i'm not attracted to anyone in the near future, and my mind keeps wandering toward my first love?

Only you can decide what you want to do and only you & he together can decide how you will go about it.

As you are going through a traumatic time, this might not be the best time to sort this out ~ however, if you truly want him back, then it might be best to say something before he really does move on.

If this girl really is a romantic relationship, then it may be that he already has moved on, but, as she is his friend's sister, it might not be ~ yet. If he will sit on the phone with you all night then there may still be a chance.

Why not write to him & explain ~ including your doubts and uncertainties ~ and see what happens.

Good luck ~ and see if you can get some counselling or support.

Thanks PDM. I was really set one just being a good friend to my ex, but things just got too difficult for me. i've realised that maintaining a friendship after a breakup is harder than i originally thought... much harder. Last night we talked online for a while... and i kept hearing him talk about the other girl. i tried to act calm and relaxed, but there's a limit to everything. after two hrs or so of talking, i finally realised that frienship between us wasn't possible for me. I decided that i'd be happier without the friendship; at least i won't have the constant stimulation of jealousy and sense of loss. Maybe losing touch was the best thing in our situation. after i told him how i felt, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. i even added some faults about myself that i've recently discovered... along with some of his.. which made me understand more clearly why our past relationship wasn't working. to my surprise, he refused to have me completely out of his life and told me that he just needed a little bit of time to think. he didn't want to go back to a relationship only to go through the same problems with the same outcomes. he does want to try again though, and i think i'm also willing to us give another chance to make things better, and learn from our past mistakes. What is there to lose afterall?

Talk it out with him, it'll b hard at first.... but you'll feel good after you've let it all out.

And like I said b4, spend time with your other girlfriends 2 take your mind off of him. I'm not allowed 2 date, but when I'm down or angry about something, my friends come over and talk 2 me. It helps a lot!

Honestly, openly & clearly talking it out ~ yes, I agree, that's got to be a good idea.

It'll b tough, but worth it in the end.

I've made a mistake. After telling my ex how I've been feeling, we've decided to get back together. I think telling him how i felt was the right thing to do. however, getting back together with him was definitely a bad judgement call. it is so awkward between us, and we never even tell each other "i love you" anymore. i know there are good couples out there who rarely say it, but we used to say it all the time. it is all just such a drastic change. I should've let both of us have more space. trying to get into another relationship was probably a good idea from kiki. I don't know what to do anymore. break up with him again? i can't do that... lol. perhaps i should just wait it out.. and just leave the situation as it is. I'll be giving him space too... while moving on with my life. maybe a month or two from now i'll have things under better perspective. i'm hoping that i'd find another guy by then... to take my mind off of my ex. meanwhile.. i guess we'll just be titled "bf & gf"... sigh.. =/

You really are confused, aren't you!?

What can anyone say to help?

You are going through a very emotional time and you probably need a friend.

Going through a break-up and a bereavement at the same time is going to cause you a huge amount of stress.

Trying to sort things out rationally when you are stressed and upset is going to be difficult.

I think that the best thing is to be as open and honest about eveything as you can with your boyfriend.

Hopefully things will indeed sort themselves out in time.

Good luck!

It will b sort of awkward in the beginning. But the most important thing u need 2 have between each other is trust. If u have that, everything will pretty much fall into place itself. And you're rite, give each other time 2 develop and process everything that's happened so far. Don't worry... it'll b ok.

sorry to be joining the thread late - but i have had similar feelings after breaking up with a long time S.O.

I think you have to really sort out some fundamentals:
1. When you were broken up, and he had a "date" - were you jealous because you wish you were with him, or did you feel bad because you were alone and you did not have a date.
2. Were you heartbroken at the thought of being without him, or heartbroken at the thought of being alone?
3. Did the problems you had that led you to break up with him go away? (They might have, if you began to communicate more after the breakup) ... Or do you think the same problems will arise again?

My experience is:
1. It is nearly impossible to remain close friends (esp best friends) after a breakup. You either get back together or you lose touch. To stay in limbo only plays mind games with each other and prevents either from getting into a different healthy relationship. You have to be willing to cut ties if you are going to break up again.
2. Watching an x get a S.O. before you is always hard. There are alot of feelings of emptiness that goes with that. But that is not the same as wanting your x back for good reasons. You have to get away from that - which is a good reason to cut ties a bit.
3. Being on your own for a while is always a good option - even if it is often the most difficult option. You have to be self sufficient and like yourself before you can get in a relationship - whether it is with your x or in a new relationship. Otherwise you will start to define yourself and your happiness by the relationship you are in. You have to be happy with yourself first. It is good to get a taste of independence for a while.

I am sure things will work out for the best with you, as you seem to be thinking about the issues at hand. And you have ALOT of time on your side - so don't feel compelled to stay with somebody when you are not optimistic about the future. But if you can work out the issues and things look bright, then good job too, for working through the rough times. Your heart will guide you.

Thanks victor. you really brought up some good points. I DO need to be more independent and probably develope a bit more self-confidence. I have realised that friendship really is somewhat impossible, so I have definately given up on the idea. However with my current situation, I think we treat each other more like friends than anything else, despite what we "title" each other. I'm going to try to distance myself from him a bit and learn to handle things independently again. Perhaps i'm just so conditioned to having him being by my side. I think my jealousy stems from the fact that he's moving on so easily while I'm stuck in the past. I know that the first few weeks of break-up is always the hardest though, so I'm sure things will get better for me in time (as with everything). =)

I'll keep you guys updated for any improvement or changes.

oh yes - i meant to mention that -
relationships are often just a habit.
you are used to having an instant companion for all occasions.
that is no reason in itself to keep somebody.

guys often start dating more quickly than women - i think its a rebound thing. women are a little more tentative i think after a breakup. guys just HATE to be alone - even more than women i think though they won't admit that - so they try to recapture the happy feelings they had in a relationship ASAP. women like to grieve a bit. i think i read that somewhere but can't remember... it had to do with the death of a spouse, but its the same thing with the "death" of a relationship.

alright so... i think i'm doing good. i've given him space.. and he's been letting me have mine, though we never really came to any agreement with anything. i think part of me is still confused as to exactly what i want. there's a huge part of me that just won't let go, yet reason and logic is telling me to move on. there are times when i'm doing really well and things seem to go smoothly even when i'm thinking of him. at other times however, i get the urge to really just talk and talk to him. but even when i do, i know we'll have nothing to say to each other. i need advice on how to get through this easier. it would help also of course if i get some motivation every now and then. still being so far from home, i can't hang out with friends and spill my heart out to them as i would like. =/

i want to forget him so badly. >.< i need to move on... =( but it's so hard...

so are you saying that you guys are not together now .. like broken up?
if so, I would just try to be tough. Try to find anybody else to listen to you rather than calling him, even though you want to. Maybe some others will disagree with me on this. But it sounds to me like you want to find a better relationship but it is hard giving up a known quantity, even if it isn't quite what you want.
you are awfully young to be settling for something less than what you want.
that's my opinion, anyways.
you will certainly find a new relationship, but only if you let go of the first.
incidentally, you may always have feelings for somebody you have loved - but they seem to grow less intense.

I think that this really can be true.

We have not broken up, but we might as well be. We never talk nor do we see each other. I just got back home to the usa yesterday, and I tried calling him. he was at a concert though so he didn't pick up. When the concert was over, he txted me only to tell me how much fun he had. I'm glad he's enjoying himself, but it'd be nice if he asked me at least one thing about my trip. Anyway, it only makes me want more space and distance from him, so I guess it's actually making it easier for me.

It sounds as if you are sorting your self out now ~ good luck!

Last night out of the blue, my bf/ex called me telling me that he loves me, misses me, etc etc. I was adament about not getting too attached again at first, but he was so nice! Later on when we were alone together, he started kissing me. I'm confused... I told him how I've been feeling, and he responded with "you think too much." =/ Do I? How do I know things won't just go back to the way they were a few days ago? The person he was last night was the person whom I fell in love with long ago. It was nice to see that gentle side of him again. I don't want to be the person who's easily swayed. =( Should I still stand my ground? He said he wants to make our relationship work. Should I give him another chance?

Only you can make this decision!

Good luck, though.

thats a though desicion but good luck and either way, hope your happy!

Seems you all really needed a break but i'd say you should be togrther. Sometimes you have to try making things work even if you should change some bad habits within yourself. Work it out.