PDM,You're making it sound like at the point I'm at there's no hope. ... I mean, you're making it sound like that I'm not going to be able to find anyone with who I am now. I might just be reading this all wrong,..
Yes you are reading it wrong.
'Where did I say that there was no hope?
What I tried to do was point out some things which might help you.
Why does that mean that there is no hope?
What do you mean about changing??
You said
'I don't have any women in my life that can tell me, "Ok Jon, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. I've seen you do this and that and this is wrong, but this is good".'
'... thats why I came here in hopes to get a little more female perspective on things because I don't have that. I feel like if I did, it would really help me out. But I just don't have anyone willing to give the time of day.' I said:'I've been reading your posts and I've been thinking.'
'I don't know you, so it's not easy, but I'll try, based on what I have found out.'
'Some possibilities ~ just ignore any that can't possibly be right.'
So remember ~ ignore things that aren't right.
However, it would be worth thinking about those which might have some truth in them.
... I've come to the realization that I can't do this alone. I need help and I don't know how to get that kind of help.
And I wish we could help ~ but it's difficult long-distance. Did you read what David decided to do? The list? You are learning guitar ~ that's good, but do you 'allow' it to enhance your social life? Go to group classes? Go to guitar gigs?
Let me clarify a few things first. I go to a church on Sundays. I try to introduce myself occasionally.
How about church youth groups, or volunteers, or something like that?
I watch TV. I watch reality and most Dramas other people watch.
Do they come into your general conversation in a natural kind of way?
I play Volleyball every Saturday with a group of people that like to get together.
This is good in itself. This
is socialising. Do you like these people? Do you have other things in common with them, apart from volleyball? Do the others socialise outside of the game?
I play trombone, I was in the marching band in high school and college and I'm currently learning guitar. I take time for myself and to be social.
Do you meet up with fellow musicians?
Maybe you seem self-contained ~ and a loner. Sometimes people may feel that you don't need anyone but yourself. Maybe you should try counselling, to sort your feelings out. It might help.
Here's the thing, at about everything I've done I've gotten to know the people. I can't really call them 'friends' per say, they're fun and they're great acquaintances. We smile, we laugh we have a good time when we see each other. Getting together outside the events is a different story... ESPECIALLY if they're female.
But you know, it's the same for a lot of people. I'm going to start sounding 'sad' now, but if I go out, it's usually with my Mum. I have 'friends' but not many that I could just call on to go out with. Since I organised a school reunion, I've been out with some old school friends a couple of times, but these are one-offs ~ and
I had to arrange the reunion. It took a lot of time and work. I am always moaning that 'I have no friends'. I'm lucky in that I have relatives ~ my Mum, my kids, my husband, but it's not the same as having friends. I've always been the type of person who knows lots of people but has very few really close friends ~ and a number of those have moved away.
As for friends of the opposite sex, well, it's just not the done thing for some people, is it? I have worked with men I got on well with & called friends, but it's not always 'done' for women to have male friends ~ we even had a thread on the subject. So it's all or nothing; they want to be your girlfriend or they don't want to know. This is not to be harsh, but to clarify. Girls & boys as friends does happen, but not all that often and usually in groups.
... I go out to the social clubs with my roommates. I see the same people that my roommates see and I know them and they know me. And yet they don't seem to make any effort on my behalf. I'm doing all I can. I'm not a workaholic. Yes, I work long hours, but I do make time to be social and do things I love with other people.
Again ~ this
is socialising. You are not alone in not being super close to everyone you socialise with.
Now, for one thing, making friends may have become so important to you that you are trying too hard.
Perhaps your room-mates could be more helpful if they were willing to tell you, absolutely truthfully, where they think that you are going wrong. They may know, but not want to tell you for some reason.
...I want someone to make an effort on my behalf for once. I mean for goodness sake, what does one person have to do to make a female friend?
What do you want 'someone' to do? How is that 'someone' supposed to know what you want?
.. I know how to be a friend to someone and what it takes, but for someone to be a friend to me... I just don't get it. And I've come forward to a few people with this and its done nothing but scare them off and never want to speak with me.
Maybe too intense; too worried; too anxious; too down???
By the way, how do you know that you 'how to be a friend to someone and what it takes'? I'm intrigued.
It upsets me so much because I don't know what more I can do on my own. I need some sort of help. I need someone to show me that they are willing to help me. I can't find anyone who would be willing to work with me (guy or girl). I don't seem to have anyone that xxxxxxx gives a xxxx about me. Or gives enough to work with me.
I think that you have become so 'down', you might even be a bit depressed. I would have a chat with the doctor, if I were you, and with a counsellor. You need someone to help you get yourself back 'up' out of that downer, to somewhere where you can socialise more successfully.
And everyone that I've told this too seems to point me to someone else or some place I can go to get help. I guess the people in my life think they're helping me by telling me who I need to see and where I need to go, but it doesn't help.
What do you want them to do?
What would you say to someone else, who came to you with this story?
Have you thought that, if the people who do care about you, point you in a certain direction, then they might be right?
What & who are other people saying you should do & see, anyway?
I want to add more to this to explain things better, but just typing this all out is upsetting me so much that i'm about to be in tears and just completely lose it. I'm sorry.
Jonathan, don't be sorry ~ you need to get all this off your chest and this is a good place for that.
Most people don't have that many very close friends, but you really want a 'partner', to share with and confide in (plus a really nice 'best friend' if possible). There is usually someone out there for everyone, but they have to be found. I really think that if you are a Christian, you would be better off finding a Christian girl friend, for various reasons.
Try not to get so down about this, You are only 25 and have a good job. The world is your oyster. I have known people who at your age could not find the right girl, only to discover her very soon afterwards.
I told you about that reunion ~ it wasn't the first I'd organised. I did one back when we were in our early thirties. You wouldn't believe the number of girls who were worried about coming because they thought that they would be the only one without a husband or partner!!! Most found their special someone soon afterwards. So remember, you are not the only one!
Read this thread ~ or at least the first post:
'I will be single forever and have to buy many cats'
http://www.wineintro.com/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=227927&fpart=1Here it is:
I thought maybe the men on the forum could help me (women too).
I have been single for too long, and I feel that now it is permanent. ....
I will be completely honest I am 5ft nothing, 109lbs am 30 ouch 33 years ergo No supermodel, and annoying to me but fascinating to others evidently the average guess of my age is 22 on sight sometime low as 18 and up to 27..so it would appear i don't look my age. Wow thats a lot of private info, but I feel like giving a little info may help. I have a career 9-5. ! budgie , no cats ..yet. I finished University and college and took some classes like Spanish and Excel just for fun. I am RC (roman catholic) I try. I am honest, loyal, I would never cheat. I eat like a bird and never have more than to beers so it's not like I am superhigh maintance.
So why won't a man give me the time of day. Okay so that may be imppossible to answer even my married friends are like "why r u single still?" so i ask them and one couple said they actually discussed me one day and came up with nada.
Any thoughts on my pathetic plight.