Welcome soulfulsynergy
I think that the question: 'Why do men shut down when hurt?' is addressed in at least one of the books by John Gray. I was looking for my copy but couldn't find it.
Mens' minds are different from womens', and, while I don't go along with everything Gray says, I really do think that his books are worth reading and actually can help to improve relationships.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Are_From_Mars,_Women_Are_From_Venus
http://www.marsvenus.com/Ah, I found what I was looking for in the Wikipedia item:
'Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. What is known is that men in their caves are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow then to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. This allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.
This has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues in order to find a solution. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. This becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.'
So that helps explain mens' reactions.
Now to what is going on with you & your boyfriend.
If I was expecting a call from a loved-one and it didn't come, I would be worried ~ wondering if they were all right, etc. I've come to learn that if the call doesn't come, it usually means no credit, no signal, no battery, no public call box, or that they were too busy doing something else & so forgot. However, while these are the likely reasons, I still worry, because it could mean that something is very wrong.
You over-reacted.
While stressed men 'retreat to the cave', stressed women become hyper-anxious ~ I'm generalising here!
You were stressed, but, because of what happened to you in the past, instead of worrying about accidents, you worried about infidelity.
You over-reacted badly. You responded before even knowing what had happened and you accused him of doing wrong.
No wonder he is upset!
Imagine how you would feel in his situation!
However, he must have realised that you would be concerned at not hearing from him. Couldn't he have contacted you on a public phone to let you know ~ or borrowed a friend's phone for a few seconds?
What's done is done.
You love him and he loves you so, hopefully, this can be sorted out.
I think you need to assure him of a few things:
~ That you are sorry.
~ That you over-reacted because of the past.
~ That you love him.
~ That you trust him.
~ That you only became so upset, because he always contacts you and you hadn't heard from him.
~ That maybe you need to sort out attitudes left over from the past and maybe need some counselling.
~ That you respect his need for time.
~ That you do need to talk this through and hope that he will discuss it when he is ready.
For now: 'he feels dead inside' .. 'he is not the same'.
He is in pain. He is confused. He cannot understand why you would think such a thing.
Why did you?
Do you really trust him? ~ You need to be sure about this.
Is it because of the past? ~ You need to sort it out if it is.
Is it because you over-reacted to the lack of contact? ~ This needs to be sorted out, too.
~ What to do if one of you has no access to a phone and the other is expecting a call.
~ Why you were worried?
~ Why he didn't expect you to be worried?
~ Why he didn't borrow a phone?
~ Why you need constant telephone reassurance?
He has retreated to his 'cave'. He needs this time.
However, I think that writing him a letter might be a good idea.
I hope that things work out.
