He needs to know answers for questions that just hurt him
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
First of all I feel really stupid for even having to come to this online thing in the first place, but it seems as though I have noone else to talk to, as noone else quite understands, and I'm not ready yet to seek in-person professional help.
My bf and I have known each other for almost 10 years now. We are both 21 and have been dating off and on for the last 4 years. In our first relationship, I broke up with him, then we dated again and he broke up with me. Now we are dating the third time but everything from my past (me intially breaking up with him... and my relationships with others while him and I weren't dating) are bothering him quite alot... it's liek a spiral he gets himself into -- he needs to know answers for questions that just hurt him, and if I don't answer him, he just gets more angry.... and no I don't blame him for being upset or sad about it, but it's just that I want him to see that I really do love him (I'm trying to show him that) but he constantly brings up my past, and it really hurts, because I have changed my ways... and I want him to know that I have changed, but he doesn't understand.
We fight constantly about my past, even though we really do love each other (I know that we fight, only because he cares and wants some kind of reassurance ) and it takes a great toll on both of us... but what I want to know is not how to make him forget, but how to make him feel more comforted and secure that I don't want to leave him again and that I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship...?
Though I did cheat on my previous bf's and he knows this, I have had a completely monogamous relationship with him, and plan to keep it this way, him willing.
Please help our relationship, as we really love and care for each other...
The best solution is to talk your b/f into an agreement that you will never talk about your past again. If he brings it up just give him the peace sign.
As you said, he is only hurting himself (and you too). Convince him of this fact and he will be able to give up his jealousy and anger after a while. Dragging it up and dwelling on it will not do any good.
If he refuses to put this topic off limits then your next step is to see a professional counselor with him.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com