She's a Great Friend but she Has a Boyfriend

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Im really good friends with this girl in college, but she has a boyfriend. She asks to meet up during college just me and her, and we joke about with each other, and she can talk to me about anything. She tells me about her boyfriend if things are going wrong or right. shes invited me over her house a couple of times, and weve just chatted nothing more.

Shes been with her boyfriend about 7 months, and he has cheated on her once at christmas when she went on holiday he kissed his ex. I was there for her to talk to, which she did, but then about a week later she was back with him.

Then about a month ago he split up with her because he said she moans too much. I was there for her again. But shes gone back to him.

I know why she has gone back with him because she does love him. But im confused because the signals she sometimes gives me are confusing like she keeps playfully hitting me in class if i taught meant her, and she plays with her hair when we talk quite alot, im confused as to wheather she likes me more than a friend , but then i think if she did wouldnt she have not gone back with her boyfriend. I have never given her any signals that i love her or like her more than a friend so this might be why, she may think that i dont like her like that.

I find it hard to express my feelings, when we talk sometimes and are making eye contact i sometimes have to look away. Many people at college keep asking if were together because were all ways together in college just me and her. Teachers sometimes say things about us being together so much. It hurts to love her this much i dont know what to do? Advice
Obviously she likes you a lot, you guys spend a ton of time together. And obviously she loves her boyfriend a lot, with all the dedication she puts into her relationship with him.

You make it sound like a human can only like one other human being, which isn't true at all. She loves her boyfriend. She likes you a lot too! Best friends involve two people who really like, perhaps love, each other. Many people have a "partner in life" (say a boyfriend or husband) and then also have another "best friend" too that they care for.

So she likes you a ton, maybe loves you. But she has a boyfriend already. So it's really a credit to her that she doesn't just abandon her boyfriend and tries to make it work. That's what commitment is all about - working your hardest to make a relationship work even when it's not easy. If she just ditched her boyfriend when things got rough that wouldn't be a good sign for any other relationship she had (including yours).

So you need to think about what you want out of life. Yes, she's a great friend. Many guy-girl friendships last decades and make both people VERY happy without ever having to become intimate. That could be you two! Maybe at some point she will have truly tried everything with her boyfriend, it just won't work, and she'll be single, in which case you two could hook up. But on the other hand you can't put your entire life on hold "waiting for maybe someday" - that's not very productive. And it's unfair to her too - she thinks you're a great friend, but what if you start to blame her in a few years for the reason you're "not with someone"? It's not her fault that you choose to wait for her.

So I would keep her as a great friend. Great friends are precious and worth holding on to. I would keep supporting her. But I would also keep your eyes open for someone that can be special to YOU in the same way her boyfriend is special to HER.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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