He Reminds Me of my Brother, He's Got a Girlfriend

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Ok here I go...my brother died on New Years Day and soon after I was back at college. I was always talking to my roommates brother on im but we never met. I knew that he had a girlfriend and of almost 4 years of that..(he is 20 and she is 18) and he came up on Valentines Day to meet me just to chill and have a good time, bc talking to him in the past before my brother died, he just reminded me so much of my brother and he just seemed like an interesting person to meet. Anyway we went out, and I payed for my own meal, bc I said I was...we did not do anything just hugged and then he left.

The next night I was drinking and he imed me saying that his gf got mad and I told him to come down here and have some fun, so then he started drinking and I was buzzed and we had sex...since that night we have been seeing each other for the past 2 months.

He is still dating his Gf and they are almost going on 4 years and he said that they had/have problems and he wants to break up with her but everytime he has done that (even before he met me) that she starts crying and he gives in bc they have been together so long. And he said after 3 weeks of seeing him, after asking him who would he pick, and he said her bc of the amount of time that he has been with her, I mean really 4 years is alot. I got angry but I care for him soo much and he reminds me of my brother in many diff ways that I just can't let him go..

I do not love him yet probably bc of the fact he does have a gf that does not know that he has been seeing me. So I am going home bc College is coming to and end, and I am just not sure whether or not if I should continue to see him when I can over the summer or not,,he lives a little over an hour from my hometown, and he is going to Tibet for 2-3 weeks for a College trip, but I am just not sure if it is in my best interest if I should see him whenever I could when I am back home. I know I don't want to let him go even though he does have a gf,but I am just not sure what to do right now.....please I need some advice....ASAP....AHHHH

RomanceClass.com Advice
This relationship definitely sounds like it needs a breather time for both of you. First off, he has a girlfriend of 4 years but he's merrily sleeping with you anyway? That doesn't sound like he is very committed to her, or that he has a strong grasp of how honesty and trust should work in a relationship. Not only is it bad for her, to be cheated on, but it's a very bad sign for you too. It means that if you guys DID end up together, he's just as likely to start sleeping with another girl if she seems interesting. The only think that determines if he is faithful or not is how he feels at the moment. That's not a good person to be in any sort of relationship with.

Next, you're dating him very soon after your brother's death and mention several times that part of the attraction is that he's very much like your brother. In essence you're in "rebound" from your relationship with your brother! You miss him, you want him back, and this guy is there that was close to your brother. So you're drawn to him. So you're sort of "using" him as a pseudo-brother fill in to help you with the hurt you feel. That's not good for him, to be a pawn, and it's not healthy for you to deal with your feelings of loss for your brother by causing his good friend to cheat and lie to his long-time girlfriend.

I would give it the summer with you both concentrating what you already have in your lives. He needs to figure out what he is doing with his girlfriend. Either he stays with her and makes it work, or he decides after trying that it won't and he calls it quits. But he should NOT be sleeping with you and cheating on her while still trying to figure out if he's going to stay with her. That's using her and using you at the same time. If he in the end decides *even with you not around as a safety net* that he would rather be alone than with his girlfriend, that's one thing. But if he says "Oh I can hop over there, sure!" that's not much of a decision. And if he decides like that, he'll be just as likely to hop again when something else better comes along. Which then means that your entire relationship will be worrying that the girl of the moment that he turns his head to follow is the one he'll hop to.

You, for your part, need to give yourself time to get through this rebound. It'll take a while, probably many months. But you need to date someone who is SINGLE and who is someone you admire for what HE is - not because he reminds you of someone else. That's just unfair to any person to do that to him.

If by the end of the summer you are still single and now more settled with your brother's death ... and if he decided *on his own* to break up with his girlfriend and to take a few months to get over his *own* rebound period ... then perhaps you two were meant to see how it would work. Then see just how the relationship is when you both are truly single and looking at EACH OTHER and nothing else. You might find you guys feel very differently about things at that point. It might be better. It might be worse. But the only way you'll know how you honestly feel is to get to that point.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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