My Jealousy is going to Destroy our Relationship

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi--I am head over heels in love with this guy-- he loves me too. He's always telling me that I am beautiful- the prettiest woman he's ever seen and so on. Of course that makes me happy but it's like I look at me and say how can he say that i am beautiful-- and if he thinks i am so beautiful then why does he look at other women? We sing together in a small country band and we both love it but I get so jealous sometimes i have to go outside and cry when i see him looking at someone in the audience or out on the dancefloor. He says he isn't looking at them in the way I'm thinking he's looking at them. He says he is entertaining and he naturally has to look up and out at the audience.

How can I get a control on this intense jealousy? How can I learn to feel just as beautiful as anyone else? How can I feel secure and not so threatened by every female out there? It always causes trouble between us and oh how it hurts to feel so insecure. I don't want to be like anyone in his past and his first wife acted just like me so I've been told. Can you please help me????Thanks Advice
The first thing you have to realize is that he thinks you - ALL OF YOU - is beautiful. It's not that your hair is better than anyone else on the planet's. It's not that your nose is the most perfect nose. One of the realities of life is that there is ALWAYS someone taller - more perfect chested - smarter - richer and if you're going to obsess about it you will drive yourself insane. What he is saying is that YOU are beautiful - that all of what you are is what he loves in life.

So no matter who else he looks at - and if he's in a band he is REQUIRED to look at other people!! - none of them will be YOU. So none of them can possibly have those special components that make you unique. And in fact if you start obsessing and trying to "change yourself" to be more like someone else (or better than someone else in some way) you may in fact be destroying part of what he finds so unique about you.

I have an entire how-to on working on jealousy here -

it comes down to you TRUSTING HIM. Every relationship is founded on trust. You do NOT trust him right now. You think that if he sees someone else that is more "something" - be it curvier or less heavy or whatever it is you see as the flaw - that he'll run off and leave you. You have to TRUST HIM. That is what a relationship is all about. And any time you find yourself doubting him, then STOP. This is all in your brain. It can only be fixed in your brain.

If you are really having trouble with this, I'd really suggest finding a good therapist or counsellor in your area, even if it's just for a month or two. They can help you figure out why you are having trouble with trust and accepting that he will stay with you. But you HAVE to work on this now and fix it now. Jealousy is one of the most destructive forces there is in a relationship. It eats even the best relationships away until they finally collapse.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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