I have never had or expect a " free ride" from anyone--I am used to paying my own way.Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Dear romanceclass advisor,
"is he a sugar daddy?"
the following is the letter I wrote you in repsonse to your answer. My guy and I had a conversation tonight and have "officiallY" agreed to take a break. I think I was too dependant on him and need to remain "standing on my own and providing for myself" more now than ever--no matter how challenging it may be.We agreed to remain friends and socialize our children. I will pay sometimes. He said that his stress and work and the stress that came to our relationship was too much for him at this time. I deeply love him and want to be together but if that is not in the cards...well...I have alot of love to share, but I will make sure I share it with myself first.
-------- bear with me---2------------------------------
I recieved your answer. thank you. this is the letter i wrote to him yesterday, before i wrote you...i haven't heard from him at all today. does this sound like i'm ending our relationship? i deleted the names to protect the hearts of the innocent. you may post this on your site. By the way, I start work later this month.
I hope this finds you well and your leg is almost back to normal.
My decision to write this is because want to convey clear and organized thoughts as well as you having told me that you do tend to "block" me out when I talk sometimes and I want you to hear what I am saying.
*****, I am always grateful to you for your generosity and have never experienced anyone like you. You have been there for me more than anyone I have had in my life before. I appreciate that. I love that. I need that. I need the security in knowing that that is what you are willing to continue to do for/with me.
I did not come to you with false pretense...you were aware of what was going on in my life. who I am, what I have been through, and where I plan to be, my wants, needs (especially from the man in my life) and desires. There is nothing false about me *****... I am quite used to doing for myself and until now I have been successful in that endeavor, so much so that I do for others as well.
I've told you I need a "show me" kind of man and that you have been. I told you that I do not ask for much but what I do ask for I expect to get--because I ask when there is a need not a desire or a want.
What happened over the last few days concerns me. I truly and deeply care for you but I tend to question something. I am saddened, concerned, hurt, insulted (yes there's that word again) and figure I need to distance myself to see clearly.
*****, I understand and have told you that "you seem to be the kind of man that a woman has to have her own to be with" and that I did not have it anymore-- "I wish that I had something offer you". I have asked you on several occasions what it is that I do for you. You answered. I ask you again "What is it that I do for you *******?"
If you recall a few months ago I did not call you( with my problems) and you were upset and felt neglected because I did not tell you what was going on with me. we talked and you said communication is what you need in addition to being a priority-- I understand. I felt like my problems were just that -- my problems and did not wish to involve you.
Do you have distractions such that you cannot give me what I have been accustomed to getting from you? Mind you, this is on ALL fronts. finance is not a condition of which I have based my affection for you. To me you are a wonderful man, friend, lover and someone that I would love to continue to be with but if there are current circumstances that you need to deal with directly then you need to communicate that to me. I need that security from you. Maybe you need to distance yourself for a while.
You told me to communicate. You said you understand that things happen but that is not the time to "close off". I agreed. I told you that is what I tended to do and was willing to try to change it. Now I have. You wanted to know and now you do. And now you decide to become tentative? What is that about?
Case in point-- heat. I told you last week that my furnace was "busted", if you cared for me as you say and have "shown up" to this point... better yet, if the tables were turned and you told me you and your child were without heat there would be nothing, do you hear me, no question about me doing what I have to do to get it done for you. YOU WOULD NOT HAVE TO GO ONE DAY WITH OUT HEAT-- that is a need a priority for me as it would be for anyone I claim to care about. And this is rich *****, only after trying to handle it myself did I get a half-ass response from you YESTERDAY after I told you that my friend has someone who is willing to try to fix it. And what you said was, " If he doesn't show up then call me later"??!! What?! I'm an afterthought? And still have to go another 24 hours without heat when my "special friend", "man", lover, "co- adventurer" whatever term you wish to use, knows I have no heat and it's below zero weather outside? Shame. Insult.
I won't even mention the check, but I will say this. if that was the "best you could do" then you should have informed me BEFORE and I should have communicated to you my expectations and maybe there could have been better results all around. If you could not help at all then don't. I am an understanding woman and I don't want you to struggle to help me. Saying " I can't ****** " would not be the end of my world. It did not help me in what I needed it for( I'm still working on that) but it did provide me with coverage for some things. I thank you.
Bottom line *****, I don't want anything from you or anyone who does not want or has to struggle to give. I ask for my needs. I would give all of the trips, gifts and clothes back( that I did not ask, by the way, but am just as grateful for) to get fully what I need at this time. And I don't want you to think that I am unappreciative now.
Nevertheless, I truly do care for you and want to continue to be with you but you will not have to be concerned with me asking you for anything--if you want... fine... if not that's perfectly fine as well, but I will go without before "I need " comes out of my mouth to you again.
I have never had or expect a " free ride" from anyone--I am used to paying my own way.
You have my trust, honesty, respect and love, *****, that being said, I will keep my dignity and self respect intact and not even entertain the thought of allowing myself to be positioned, in my eyes or anyone else, a beggar, gold-digger or depend on anyone to do for me but me any more than I have.
I will get my heat. I will come forward with my rent and I will be O.K
Congratulations on getting a job... that should help a lot.
You are probably both wise in taking a break Things seemed to be getting a little intense. And your agreement was adult and kind to the children.
Your letter didn't sound to me like you wanted to break up. You were simply putting it on the line how you felt and what your expectations were.
Your break will hopefully help your friend regain his composure from all the stress he has been feeling. I hope you two get back together again soon with a strengthened bond.
Good luck to you! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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