Avoid Labels on Yourself or Others
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
How do I know if I'm commitment shy? I am 29 & flirtacious female but when i start dating a guy, instead of being how I would like: tender, sweet, I find the guys faults and resist going further due to simple flaws and break it off quickly. what are some traits of commitment shy people?
A lot of magazines love to use labels. You take tests, find out what "type of person" you are and then you're all set. But reality is NOT like that. You're not "a type". You are a human being made up of MANY different types. That's why astrology works so well. I bet if you were given an astrology description of your personality, and they randomly shuffled from all 12 signs, that you would see some parts of those traits in you. We are all complex, multi-faceted individuals.
So instead of thinking of a label for yourself, look at the thing about you that you would like to change. You know that you like to flirt. You like that part of you. But you also know that when it starts to get more serious, you worry about the flaws you see and decide he's not perfect, and therefore you're going to stop the relationship. This could be for THOUSANDS of different reasons, some of them good reasons.
Let's say it's because you have been burned in the past by a guy or guys because you didn't see their flaws in time, and were really fond of them by the time you had to break up. So now you are trying to find the flaws first - but you're being a little too aggressive about it. Of course it could be for thousands of other reasons too. Maybe you were raised by parents who kept convinving you that you would find a Prince Charming someday. Maybe your friends have great partners and you want yours to be equally great. Who knows :)
In any case, once you have identified the problem, you can start to work on the solution. You know that nobody is perfect. Every once of us is an individual. We all have good AND bad parts. So now you have to go into your dating with that knowledge. Of COURSE he has flaws!! We all do. He will see your flaws, you will see his flaws, and that is what makes a relationship beautiful - the loving of complete individuals. So date him and sure, he has flaws. Make it into a game to think of how that flaw might be looked at as a good thing. It sounds silly but it can be quite fun. The aim is to change your mindset about these flaws. They exist! They're normal! We all have them! And they won't cause the world to explode into a million pieces if he has them!
So what if he snores. That'll make sure buglars know the house has someone in it, so they'll move on to an unoccupied house! So what if he likes to wear flannel shirts. They are awfully comfy to snuggle against! Find a good side to the flaws you find, and keep going. See if his WHOLE PACKAGE is something you enjoy, even with the flaws. And since YOU are imperfect too, he is doing the exact same thing.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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