When I think about this stuff I feel like running away from all of this

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
Well, where could I start...? I've been going out with this guy I'm with, for about 10 months. Everything between us was fine until most recently (we just started to be sexually active). I feel like crap. I regret it so much. I know I love him, but I just feel dirty, I take like 3 showers a day. I feel trashy. All my life my dad (who isn't with us since I was 10/my parents got divorced) used to always say I would grow up to be a hoe, so I never really dated anyone until now. I know that my dad's statments have alot to do with how I'm feeling right now. If my family or church finds out what I've been doing I don't know what I'll do. Most of the time I've been thinking about suicide, but right before I do anything stupid I think about hell and how it would suck to go there after all the shit I've been threw. After thinking about it for a while I soon realize I will only bring more damage to the people I love most. I love this guy so much, but it just hurts that we let things go this far. Since the day we have gotten sexually active I've notice him change, he's less attentive with me. Before I could see he would do anything for me, but I guess that since he knows that we'll always be together he doesn't try as hardn as before, and that sucks a lot. Everytime after we're active I treat him like crap, I don't know why. I do this even though I know he won't leave me, for some reason I just want to stop our relationship, but then he cries and tells me he loves me and that he's sorry for hurting me, so I feel bad and ask him to forgive me and everything is back to normal. Sometimes I feel traped like I can't get out of this situation, like I'm just going in circles. Even after we hang up I still feel depressed. Another thing I must point out is that we're in a long distance relationship, so I only see him once/twice a month and if I go see him I'm not allowed to talk to him. So, we act like we don't even know eachother at all in front of my mom/family. But if he comes and sees me here at school we just stay in my dorm room so that my mom won't see us(she lives very close to my school campus). And to top it all off my whole family hates him so much because he doesn't have anything to offer me, but I don't care about that. I love him. I just hate hidding things from my family and I know that because I've been hidding my relationship with this guy it has lead to things we both regret. I just had "REAL" intercourse with him Last night (even though we have had oral before) and we didn't use protection. So I'm really scared about getting pregnate. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared. And my grades are horrible, I'm bearily passing with C's, when I used to be an A student. That's another reason my family hates this guy because ever since I've been with him my grades have gone down. I know I'm not in a healthy situation but I just can't help it. I think about him 24/7. Everyday all day I think about him and right now all I can think about is the guilt of lossing my virginity to him. which according to my religion means he's my husband for life.I fear that I'll be forced to marry him because of what I've done. I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, but not now. I want to finish school first, but he wants me now. He wants me to marry him right now if possible. When I think about this stuff I feel like running away from all of this. This sucks so bad. I don't know what to do. What do should I do? I really need some advice now feel so lonely and lost. I couldn't even sleep all night thinking about this, I don't know what to do. Please help me out.

RomanceClass.com Advice
I am sorry you are in this situation.

First off, if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself you need to discuss this with someone you trust like your minister, your school psychologists, or even your family. Since the story is likely to come out perhaps it is best that you see your school psychologists.

Next please realize that your behavior is perfectly normal for your age and don't put yourself down so much for it. Different churches are stricter than others and you have a very strict religion.

Finally, tell your boyfriend that you have gone farther than you are comfortable with and you want to back off. If he loves you, he will understand how you feel and respect you for your decision. And, go to a pharmacy and buy a pregnancy kit and find out if you are pregnant so you don't have to worry about that.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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