My Jealousy has me Threatening my Friends
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I'm with the girl of my dreams and i can't help, but have a suspicious mind. I love her to the death, and I feel as though i have been betraying her by feeling suspicious. She is the best thing to ever happen to me, and she says that I am the best thing to happen to her, and i trust her to the core of me, but there is still that thought at the top of my mind that she may be cheating on me.
The other day i threatened my old friend; i told him that if he went near her again and touched at all I would honestly murder him in cold blood. Just before I had told him this he had touched her leg, and went up her skirt (too far for my liking) and when i confronted him on this; she said that it was okay and that he was a friend.
I'm soooo lost! I love more than anything in my life and i can't help, but feel that she may be betraying me. We have even gone as far as saying we could run away together and leave our old lives behind, and she agrees with the idea as much as i do, but I have crazy jealousy complex and can't seem to understand her outgoing nature.
With all this said i have two questions:
1) Was i right to confront my friend and threaten him.
2) What should I do about my jealousy problem??
It sounds like the girl of your dreams would actually be a woman clothed in black from head to toe that you kept locked in your house, so she never saw any other male! No, it is NEVER ok to threaten a friend with death! What kind of a friend does that? And if she IS the woman of your dreams, it means you should trust her and she should trust you. If you are so insecure that you are going around threatening people with slaughter because that is the only way you can "force her to stay with you", something is seriously wrong.
I have a whole course on working through jealousy -
But to start out with, you guys should NOT run off and try to "leave your old lives behind". One of the most important things you learn in life is that you are who you are. You can't just "abandon" an old life and expect things to be different. You need to understand and accept who you are. She is a happy, flirtatious woman. She's not going to change. Either you accept that as part of what she is or you leave her and find someone that you CAN deal with. She says she loves you. Either you accept that she does WHILE she acts the way she does, or you don't and you find someone else to love.
There is NO way you can force her to love you by actively removing every other male presence from the planet earth. It is healthy and normal for her to have male friends, male schoolmates, male coworkers. Either you trust her with those guys, or you don't and you find someone else you can trust. But if you go around threatening every guy that touches her or gets near her or talks to her, you are saying that her love isn't strong and that the only way she will stay with you is if you are the only guy she ever talks to. Which is very, very unhealthy.
You say you "trust her to the core of me" but very obviously you don't. You don't trust her at all. You are worried that she will run off on you given half the chance. So you have to work on that trust. Trust is THE most important part of any relationship. If you don't have trust, nothing else matters.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com