Her Ex is Still Around
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I am in a realtionship with a beautiful lady who I get along with great. I would have to say the only draw back to our relationship is her ex-boyfriend. Her and I started dating after he stopped calling or coming by to see her. Once he found out we where seeing each other then he wanted to get back into the picture. Fortunately my girlfriend said no and they ended the relationship.
The problem (or my problem) is he still calls all the time and talks to her and her parents and friends and I know she is talking to him and sending him emails all the time. When her and I talked about it she said that even though he treated her badly he was still very special to her and that she would continue to talk to him for as long as he wanted to. To say the least I was hurt by her still having feelings for this person.
Am I being paranoid for no reason? I have put her first in all that involves us but at times I know I and or we have been second because of the ex-boyfriend. What should I do? I have tried expressing that I dont feel comfortable with them talking all the time but it falls on deaf ears. What am I to do?
It's actually a very good sign that she is still friends with her ex. It means that she can have a disagreement with someone without injuring her friendship with that person.
The thing she has to keep in mind is that they broke up for a serious reason. Yes, he wants her back. Lots of people in the 'rebound' stage try to get their ex back because it's the easy solution - even though very large issues still remain. They think the issues will just vanish when they get back together. They won't of course. But in any case it means he'll be lobbying for her to return to him.
She needs to keep herself focussed on you and her as the primary relationship in her life. Yes, she can talk to him. He's still a friend and if all goes well he can be a great friend for her for the rest of her life. But he should NOT ever interfere with the relationship she has with you. That needs to be the main focus of how she looks at life. If he starts interfering with that, then address that issue.
Don't try to just drive the two away. That'll make her want to be with him even more out of loyalty. Your role should be to support her and make her happy. That means encouraging her friendships. But again the primary thought should be of your relationship with each other. So make sure that is strong and try to point out as calmly as you can if she makes choices which interfere with that.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com