I have a lot of resentment towards him because I feel so unattractive
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Four years ago, at age 26, I lived and worked abroad and radiated with confidence after growing out of being an awkward teenager. I had been approached by more men than ever in my life and have great memories of dating this dream man from Australia who made me feel like an absolute princess. He was a gorgeous athlete who took me to places I've never been and his accent was adorable. I never thought someone like that would be attracted to me.
After a month of dating him he stopped calling for almost two weeks. I was devastated. Although he tried to rekindle the romance later telling me his cousin died, I found out he saw another woman and so I ended it for my own well-being.
Recently, at age 30, I've started thinking of man #1 again. My husband (from Germany) and I just married last year and have been having a lot of trouble with our marriage in regards to culture and communication. When we began our relationship as "boyfriend/girlfriend", I discovered he slept with another woman. At first he wondered how I found out and then was apologetic. I really thought I could forgive and forget this time but I think all my confidence is shot now. I also no longer feel attractive. On top of that my husband loves to flirt and sometimes makes inappropriate comments about noticing women wearing see-through clothing or women on motorcycles not wearing underwear.
Although he is trying to be more sensitive about what he says and I am going to therapy, I have a lot of resentment towards him because I feel so unattractive and insecure about myself these days. I even think some of my resentment comes from experiences with man #1 although I still daydream about him and the fun we had together. My therapist thinks I'm still obsessing over man #1 because Iíve romanticized him since he made me feel good about myself?
Man #1 epitomized all of the attention you were getting from men at that time. When things went downhill with him you lost some self-confidence.
Now your experience with your husband is turning out to be miserable in some areas which further lower your self-confidence.
Since you are seeing a therapist, please take his/her professional advice as I am not a professional. I agree with your therapist that you have romanticized man #1 because he made you feel very attractive.
Since your main complaint about your husband is his attention to other women, start saying "Ouch!!" whenever he hurts you. This is a quick and clear message which he can understand right when it happens.
Hope this helps some! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com