Since we've been back together, he's been really cold hearted towards me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my boyfriend now for 19 months. We've had an off and on relationship. All of our problems started when we first got together. I would leave almost every evening and hang out with my best friend. He knew I was friends with her when we got together, infact she was the one that introduced us to each other. Finally one night, I came home from hanging out with my friend and we got into a huge arguement and he told me to decide, either my best friend or to be with him. I decided to give up my best friend because I knew he thought that while I was hanging out with her, I was meeting and trying to hook up with other people.

Later on, we broke up and while we were broke up, I went and slept with someone else. Then, he called me about 2 weeks later and wanted to get back together with me so that we could try to save what relationship we had. He asked me if I did anything with anyone while we were broke up and I told him I did, but I didn't tell him who it was. It wasn't anyone he knew, it was someone that I was friends with long before anything ever happened between myself and my boyfriend. Then we got into a fight about how I have male friends and that I would rather spend time talking to them than I would talking to my boyfriend. And again, he makes me choose either my male friends or keeping him. And I chose to keep him.

Later on down the road, he got on the internet while I was at work, logged onto my journal and read it from the day that I started it, til the day that I quit writing in it, and in the journal there was an entry about the guy that I slept with. He called me a work and started bitching at me, and telling me that it was over. I asked him if he could just calm down and wait for me to come home from work to discuss this, but he couldn't wait. I had to talk to him about right now. I told him that I was sorry that I didn't tell him the truth about who I slept with, but I didn't think that it should really matter what happened while him and I were no longer a couple.

We broke up and then eventually got back together.. and since we've been back together, he's been really cold hearted towards me. He treats me the way that I used to treat him.. he would tell me how horrible I was for being that way to him, but yet it's okay for him to be that way towards me. He tells me that I have to live with the fact that he doesn't really want to show me any kind of affection because I hurt him. I understand that I hurt him and I feel horrible for doing so, but for him to treat me like a piece of crap for going on 6 months.. i just don't think it's fair.

He tells me that I have to show him that he can trust me. He thinks that while I would go out with my best friend, I would sleep around with any guy that my friend would introduce me to, and I didn't. I can't make him believe me. Now he's gone away learning to become a truck driver and I'm staying at my parents house, and he asks me every day on the phone if I'm cheating on him.. if I had someone come over.. and sometimes he'll start bitching at me because he hears someone talking in the background. I turn off the tv, radio, computer, whatever there is that could make noise, and he still tells me that there is a guy in the room with me.

I feel guilty for going anywhere with my mom or my sister. I feel like I have to stay inside my mom and dad's house and wait for him to call me. If I do go out anywhere, I call him and let him know where I'm going to be. I've tried talking to him and telling him that his paranoia is driving me away from him, but everytime I try to talk to him about anything, he just tells me that I have to deal with the way that he's treating me or I can just leave him. He said that since I did all this to him, I have to deal with the consequences of my actions and not let them affect me and when he's ready to love me again, I should just be waiting there for him.

Another one of our problems is, and this has been since we first got together, if I want him to show me any kind of attention or affection, I have to show it to him first. I asked him one night to show me that he loved me because I was beginning to doubt that he did and all he could tell me was that I needed to show him that I loved him before he'd show me. Anything I want or tell him I need, I have to do something he wants or something he needs before I can get it..

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any friends because I gave them all up for him, and I can't talk to my parents because they don't see how I could want to be with someone like him. They would rather see me cry everyday than to be with the one person that I love more than anything.

I hate that he doesn't trust me and is always implying that I'm some kind of slut because out of the hundreds of times we've broke up, I went to slept with someone else twice. Is there anything I can do? Is there a way I can get him to stop thinking these horrible things? or am I just damned to waiting and being treated like crap.. Any advice will be helpful and greatly appreciate. I know this wasn't supposed to be an 8-page novel, but there is just so many things.. and I didn't even mention all of them.. Thank you for taking the time to read this.. Advice
The only problem to solve is how to get you to stop loving him.

He is an abusive, paranoid, jealous, mean person. Why do you love someone who treats you so badly? Do you feel guilty about what happened and blame yourself? You shouldn't blame yourself since you only did what is natural for a lot of people.

You need to convince him that you are no longer his personal doormat and that you expect to be treated with respect. He is taking advantage of your love for him to trample on your feelings. Ask yourself why you love someone like this. Have you observed this kind of behavior in your parents? That might explain it.

Whatever the case, your main problem is that you love a bully and he is using it to his full advantage. Obviously he doesn't love you... so why is he keeping you around to be his punching bag?

Develop some backbone and tell him things have to change. If he brings up the past tell him that is "old news" and that he needs to live in the present and think about the future. Do you plan on marrying this man? To me that is unthinkable unless he makes a major change.

He is in desperate need of professional counseling and maybe you should go with him. Even if you went by yourself it would help.

I hope I didn't come off as dumping on you... that is not my intention at all. I am just trying to emphasize to you how brow-beaten you have become.

Best of luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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