I dont want to change him or rush him I just want to spend time with him
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My situation is a bit confusing to most. It is a bit of everything wrapped up into one. I dated a guy for 8 months and in the begining everything was fun, exciting and we couldnt get enough of each other. I only started to date him in the begining because I needed to get over my ex so I was not trying to have any long attachments and he knew that and I think that was what made it so fun! But I then felt about him like I have never felt for anyone. He isnt the type of guy that likes to be preasured to do anything. I met his parents all his friends and I spent the night at his place at least 3 times a week then all our problems started when we went to go visit my friend in another town and we all ended up getting drunk and I ended things with him not realizing it was the liquer that was speaking. I was mordified to find out the next morining that we had broken up and not know we even had a label! It was a long drive home with me crying and him holding my hand telling me everything was going to be ok and we needed a break anyways cause we had been fighting alot. A week later we started seeing each other again and things were good for awhile then they started to get rocky again. He was so busy with work and me with school and my new job that was stressing me out and I got fed up and i asked him what his deal was and what does he want from me. He told me he wasnt ready for a relationship he needs to focus on his work cause he just started his own business. I kept telling him and pushing him to the point where he said he thinks we should date either cause it wasnt good enough to me to hear that after 8 months he wasnt ready for a relationship when he was hurt after I told him I broke up with him. He kept telling me how I am the only person in 5 years that he has ever truly cared about and I guess that means something but it doesnt seem like enough either. We didnt talk for about a two-three week.
But recently we have started hanging out again and its been awesome the same how it was in the begining. But we dont hangout as "dating" we hangout as friends but we do all the stuff as we would do if we dated! Its annoying I dont want to have just half of what we used to have.
He told me that he misses me and how that for so long I was being clingy and stressed and cranky that I was making things miserable. ANd he likes that I am acting now how I used to before things started to go bad. I dont think that means we will just get back together if he has a fear of commitment and being preasured and his business is blooming and he still has alot of work to do.
He still has my toothbrush in his toothbrush holder at his house he never threw it away. He still has my clothes and stuff and I have a bunch of his. But its like he wants thinks to be so casual and I dont even know if he is seeing anyone else. Or if he even thinks about dating people period and does he trully miss me? I dont know what do and I dont want to stop hanging out with him but I dont want to keep hurting and missing him but I act around him like nothing is wrong. I know if I talk about hanging out more and preasure him he will shy away. I care about him and when we are togehter we are so good and even he realizes that but he loves his life and friends and he doesnt want anyone to get in the middle of it and i think i did once and I want him to realize that i know what is important to him and I dont want to change him or rush him I just want to spend time with him and have it be like it used to if it can. Im 23 and this is the only person that I have ever felt that spark for. And I miss him so much...
I am happy now with my life & my friends and school/career and love the time I spend with him but I want it to more and often....but I dont want to preasure him and invade his life and try to change him like I think I did....?? Help, this is a mess!
I think you have a good handle on this situation and I don't have much to add to what you have said.
Would it be possible for you to help him with his business some? You would get to spend more time with him and he could get more work done. Even if it is just paperwork that would be helpful.
Or, as awful as it sounds, you could shop for him, cook for him, clean his house, do his laundry, take out garbage or any of the other dreadful tasks that need to be done every week. The point of this is not for you to be his slave (you wouldn't do everything, after all) but just finding ways to be with or near him and to help him focus on his business.
This would also give you insight into his day to day character rather than the more carefree hanging out behavior.
Anyhow I don't have any other ideas for you.
Best of luck to you! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com