As it stands he is supposed to give me the car and phone next week.Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My fiance fully broke up with me a week ago and I am devastated. We had dated for 3 years and he proposed 7 months ago. We had some on-going problems that I always felt were getting better but they resurfaced about a month ago which began he whole breaking up process. It started with him getting upset with me because I "suck him in" and he feels like I carry him around "like a purse" (his words). This was promted by an afternoon where my 4 year old niece was spending , I thought the entire day, with us. I imagine he had felt it was just for a couple of hours. Anyhow we were in the car after eating breakfast with her and as I was making plans on what to do next with my niece, he became very angry. He said that I made plans without even discussing with him and I always did that and he was tired of it. We eventually talked about it and he was "better". That night we made dinner together had wine and were all in a great mood. All evening I attempted to give him signs that I wanted to have sex, I kissed him and caressed his face and chest. At one point we were in bed watching TV and he asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted to make out (trying to be cute) and he said "uggh". Now at this point I mention that I have always wanted to have sex more often then he does and he is always tired. I hate rejection in sex and it affects me terribly and makes me extremely depressed. It has been on going but I was learning not to take it personally that it wasn't me. Anyhow so he makes that "uggh" sound which immediately spirals me down into this depression, I begin to cry and tell him I feel so horrible because I am trying to give him signals all night but he doesnt get them and it makes me feel like its that he doesnt want me. He gets so upset and turns his backon me rejecting me again as I cry in bed next to him. This further rejection totally spirals me down a road I cant control (depression) I begin to cry harder and feel so horrible about myslef that I started to hit myslef. Once he heard that he jumped off bed and said he was leaving and left as I begged him not to go. (it was devastating to me, i cried for hours).
I then felt that it wasnt right for him to leave and that if this was a pattern that he would bring to our marriage of leaving everytime there was a problem then it wasnt right, so I took off the ring in anger and ignored him for a week. He tried to contact me (never to apologize) finally I called him to discuss a week later and it was too late. Now he was angry and didnot want to talk to me. Since that moment we saw each other every couple of days and every time we argued, I cried and he acted indifferent and annoyed. 3 weeks of this occured until I started to ask him if he still intended to marry me and his answers were always "i dont know". By the way after the second week I had but my ring back on, realizing that I had been petty for taking it off but he was angry over that as well. He never got over it and said that I ruined his sex life and that he could never see us having sex again because I have taumatized him. So I kept asking him what were we then and if we were still getting married. Via arguments he said he didnt want to be with me anymore because I would never change and we could never have sex again. He started to avoid me, never actualy saying we were breaking up. Until I confronted him because I couldnt take the limbo I was in. He then told me that he didnt want to marry me at this time. Of course this was devestating to me, I never imagined it would lead to this. I begged I pleaded I even took the fault and said I would change. He said I would never changed and that I pushed him to this and all he wanted was time. This went on for a couple of days until last week I confronted him one last time to have him tell me yes or no and to stop giving me hope because I needed to move on because this hurt me too much and he basically said he still loved me he sees a future of us havinga great time but he cant see sex with me ever again. And after that it was over.
Now I am slowly trying to get over him because I can't pine for him forever. But I was so ready to marry him. He was the man for me I still love him so much. Now a problem I have is that I had bought a car and he was driving it and his cell phone is under my name. So I told him that we need to cut all things that bind us together because everytime I see or talk to him it throws me back a couple of weeks and I am a mess again. And if he wasnt going to come back to me then I needed to move on or I would be stuick on him for ever. He is upset of the fact that I am asking for the car and phone back because this could ruin his business ( he needs to travel around, but he has very bad credit). I don't know what to do. I want him back, should I be friendly and nice and let him use my car and phone? But then I feel like a fool, that he may just use me and I would be pining away for him, having this connection with him and never moving on. But I also dont want him angry at me because I want to have hope that he will come back to me. What do I do? As it stands he is supposed to give me the car and phone next week. I was planning on not contacting him for a couple of weeks and then calling him to see how he is and say hi (but he wont have a phone cause I took it back). What should I do?
My advice is to find a properly trained professional counselor to help you instead of looking for advice from a website that is designed mainly for casual questions.
It shouldn't take you many sessions to resolves some of your questions.
While it is possible that he is suffering from pre nuptial jitters, my feeling is that he has serious issues which are unresolved.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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