She has said to me that she doesn't know who she is anymore

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I met my now ex girlfriend on a interent dating service last September, 2004. I was still getting over my failed engagement when we first started dating, but It did not take long to see how special this woman is. Even though it was fast, at 3 weeks, I declared my love to her. We had spent everyday together and we were insperable, and whats even better, she felt the same way too.
In December, after 3 months of dating, I brought her home to meet my family. Both her and I are in the military, I'm from NH, she is from Washington State. On that trip, we decided that we would move in together when our lease expired at our apartments, which was June for her and august for my lease. In Feburary, we knew we were meant for each other. We at that point made plans to fly out to Seattle to meet her family.
In May, she was supposed to be packed. Our plan was that she would move in with me until our lease expired. We had already picked out an apartment together and had put the security deposite down. In May we had a special month, I finally popped the uestion and we became engaged, 2 weeks before she was to move in with me. I felt so honored and privilaged that she was the one and we were as happy and in love that we were.
Then the move happened.
after months of planning, she had not even begun to pack her apartment up. She had a lovely studio apartment overlooking downtown Norfolk, Va. a few days prior to the move I went over to help her pack and was shocked to see how little she had packed.
We finally got her packed, we were fighting through that, and then it came down to the moving day. I basically moved all of her stuff by myself while her and her friend were upstairs chatting. I was very angry about the situation, it seemed obvious that she was not ready to do this, even though we had shared a bed for the past 5 months almost daily.
Before I go any further, I should also tell you that she is a victim of a sexual assult last year from her ex boyfriend, and 2 years prior to that she was brutally raped by another boyfriend and his 2 roomates. She was also molested as a young child. She has been getting help for these past issues as long as we have been dating. as a result of these incidences, she trust very few men. I am one of the few she trust.
The move didn't go so well, but the following week we flew out to Seattle to meet her family. Her family were very loving and liked me very well. We had a wonderful time out there, we both felt closer than ever. One exciting thing about going out to Seattle is we were going to be bringing back her families dog, Ruby, with us. My fiance was very excited about this and was very much looking forward to bringing her back with us. I should tell you, as I told her before going out there, I am allergic to cats and dogs, and I forwarned her of this. almost immediately, I had a allergy attack in front of her family after perhaps 45 minutes of being with the dog. This happened repeatedly on this trip. I explained what it was but my fiance was in disagreement, because its a toy poodle and they are supposedly hypoallergenic. Her family was a little more attentive about this.
We flew back with the dog anyway. I didn't start getting sick until the forth day, but something had happened with my fiance on that day. We got into a small bicking session and I she told me she was leaving me. She came by and collected her things, as well as the dog. The next day her mom was on the first plane out of Sea-Tac to fly out here. a week later we got into a huge blow out. The next day she decided that she was perminently moving out. She had been staying in a hotel up until this point. Her parents by this time are both out here now. It seems obvious thay her parents were overly involved at this point. They got her a new apartment and got her moved into a new place within 5 days.
This all happened 3 months ago. Since then we talk about once every 2 weeks, and sometimes we see each other as well on 5 different occasions, most recently over the Labor Day weekend. I took her to the fanciest restaraunt either of us had ever been to. We both know that it could work out but due to what happened with her in June, she doesn't want a relationship right now. In June, it was the anniversary of her sexual assult. She was not talking to me about what was going on. She ended up balling it up and exploded, and after our small arguement, she left. after the big arguement the following week, she was over it with me. That fight was our first real fight. Her rape and her sexual assult has changed her and she hasn't been getting the help she truely needs, however she is getting some sort of help. She has told me since that she was also afraid of committment due to these incidences in her past with men.
My uestion is this. I want to work it through with her, but she doesn't want to work it through right now. I love her with all my heart and she knows this. She is still hiding from her issues like she did when we were together, but instead of doing that with me, she hides within her new group of girlfriends. She has told me we were great together. She has said that she misses us and the relationship some times. She wants me in her life but is not sure how that will play out right now. I have repeatedly told her I'm here for her and I've been supportive to her and alsways tell her that I am here for her. When we spend time together, its clear to see her struggle in her eyes. Its clear that she is a mess. There is still love in her eyes, but yet she doesn't want it from me. She doesn't want the romance right now. She has said to me that she doesn't know who she is anymore or what she wants in her life. clearly confused. She wants to get through her issues alone instead of with support. What more can I do?
Please help me. I love her, I'd love for this to work out. Most importantly I want her to be happy again. I believe I have done everything I can do.
Help me Help her Advice
Ideally you two would go to a counsellor together. Ask her if she would do that.

Probably she won't. So, keep doing what you are doing and hope for the best.

She's made it pretty clear that she needs time alone to work on herself. The most loving thing you can do is to support her in that need.

It's too bad about that dog... that seemed to mess things up.

Hope things work out for you!

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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