My Ex is Now Being Nice

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My exboyfriend and myself broke up over 2 months ago but he's always around cause my friends are friends with him. One of my good female friends is getting irritated because I can't be friends with him and it's making her have to choose who to hang around with.

I've tried to make peace with him many times. First he wouldn't talk to me, so I let it go. Then about 2 weeks ago I emailed him and asked why he had broke up with me in the first place (so that I could have answers and move on) and he said that now wasn't convienient and never emailed me back. Whenever I asked him about it at school he had said that he was really busy.

After 2 weeks of waiting for his schedule to clear, I demanded answers from him face to face. He told me your basic break up garbage and started flirting! I told him that I didn't want anything to change where we were concerned and he said that he knew. As the week progressed, he started being a gentleman towards me and even tried to help me get my project to work in class, despite my resistance and rudeness.

This is a huge, sudden change from our usual glares of hatred towards each other. I'm still angry with him and things can't change now. Can you somehow give me advice about how to handle my friend and what my ex's motives are? Thanks a bunch! Advice
It's very strange that he broke up without telling you why. One of the KEY responsibilities that a couple has is to break up reasonably - to show that the trust in each other was at least warranted enough to explain why things didn't work out. He was dodging and avoiding you, not wanting to face up to his breaking up with you. And then when you finally pressed him on it, it sounds like he realized that he really DIDN'T have a good reason - that maybe it was a stupid reason that caused him to give up on things. And that he missed you and wanted you back.

I definitely would not be rude to him!! How you treat others is watched by many - and affects how you think about yourself. You can say it is "warranted" but really in life it rarely is warranted to actively harm another human being. That's what 'turn the other cheek' is all about, even if you're not religious. It's about having enough respect for yourself that you won't let your own behavior be altered by others.

Things can always change. People change constantly. You went from caring for him to being angry with him for some reason. Other reasons can just as easily have you go in the other direction.

No matter what else, the first thing you need to do is find a resolution to what happened. If he's being nice, it makes it easier. Sit down with him somewhere quiet - with nobody else around. TALK to him. Ask him what bothered him about the relationship you had before. Don't argue! Don't contradict. You are LISTENING to him and how he felt, whether you agree with it or not. It's important for you to just LISTEN to his side and let him say what he wants to say. When he's done, thank him for his time and then go think about it. Relationships are always about two people, and there are always flaws on both sides.

If you then are interested in getting close to him again you now have a starting point. You know what he felt was wrong, you know what you felt was wrong and can work on the issues together.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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