I desire respect for my musical ability, not for being some hot chick who can play a horn
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
I'm 19 years old, and I've been dating my boyfriend, "steve," who's 28, for 9 months now. He's my first love, and he's the support system for my entire life. he's the only person i've been able to be completely vulnerable to, sexually, musically, emotionally, and otherwise, and because of that, I've grown a lot as a person, and grown to love him very deeply. We are both professional musicians (diff. intruments, no competition), and the basis of our relationship is the mutual respect we have for eachother- he is what I strive to be, plays the way i want to play, plays with the musicians i want to play with, etc. and to him, i'm the up-and-coming, i have the qualities (talent, attitude, etc.) that he wishes he had possessed when he was my age. Right now, I'm confused about some feelings I'm having about another musician, call him bob, for whom I have the same kind of afformentioned respect and a very strong physical attraction, who has been very good friends with my boyfriend since before i met either of them. They've been playing gigs together for 8 or 9 years, and he's been dating my boyfriend's ex for a year. My reputation in the music scene is as an exceptionally talented and attractive young player, a potential I would not have fully realized with out the support of my boyfriend. Consequently, I recieve a lot of attention, particularly from other male musicians. I have always been mad about that, because I desire respect for my musical ability, which i've worked genuinely hard for, not for being some hot chick who can play a horn. Well, I had a lesson with bob one day about 2 months ago, which became more of a hang, since we're pretty good friends at this point. I had been invited to hang out with the members of a small jazz group he was in that night, and my car was in the shop, so he offered to be my ride for the day. We ended up talking about the girl musician thing, and he said, "You recieve a level of repect from us guys that is higher then that of your peers- you are a challenge to us, musically, and you're a beautiful girl. we'd all be jealous of you, but you're everything we've ever wanted in a woman." We got to hang, which turned out to be dinner and a night of drinking, watching porno, and a couple call-girls. We were all getting really drunk, and quite aroused. Just before things got completely out of hand, we decided to call it a night, and I headed home with bob, still tanked and horny, and when he dropped me off, we went to hug eachother like we ussually do, but ended up making out in my driveway for about a half hour. We were both like, "Damn, I always wondered...", even though we both were in serious relationships. The next day, we agreed that it never happened as far as anyone else knew, and it meant nothing, and it's been cool since then. Last month, I had a histerectomy because of cancer, and my boyfriend has been there for me, through my hospital stay, the pain, the hot flashes and mood swings, all that. He's had the biggest hand in healing me of anything. I am restricted from playing my horn for 6 weeks, which is devastating for me, so i went to see his gig a few nights ago, thinking it would make me feel better to watch people play. Not the case, i got really upset seeing them playing, and during the set break, i couldn't keep it together, and when i went to sneak out the back door on the verge of tears, bob caught me, and said "Hey, I saw you watching us playing. I know it's hard, you're an artist. Just be strong, and you'll come back with avengance." and gave me a hug, like a good friend would. Since then, I can't stop thinking about him when I'm not with my boyfriend. I have everything I could ask for in a relationship and more, but I still caught my self thinking, 'hm, he's getting fat, not like bob...' or 'i wish he'd play that solo more like bob..." and I feel guilty about it, because I'm in deeper in my relationship than I thought possible, and I'm confused. Help!
Judging from your letter you are not only attractive and talented but also very intelligent.
As an intelligent woman you should be able to figure this out for yourself. However sometimes it's not that easy. My advice is to stick with Steve for a while and see how things go. After all, male musicians have a knack with women and you don't want to be passed from hand to hand. You are only 18 and in your first relationship. Bob, or someone like him, will always be there for you... don't forget that.
This may seem a harst assessment, but it's the way I see it now.
p.s. drinking, watching porn, and call girls are not where you should be right now! You apparently are very talented... don't mess it up.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com