Needing Closure after a Breakup

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I looked through quite a few of these questions and they all seem to relate to a younger crowd. I just turned 25 and my ex girlfriend is 20. We had been together for three years, and in that three years we broke up three times. About a week each time and then I would realize I had made a mistake. The last time we talked about it for quite a while, I was convinced I hadn't made a hasty decision.

A week later I was sure I had made a mistake. That feeling slowly went away but as it did I realized why I broke up with her this time and every time before. We both keep a very different set of friends, and we really could never mix them. My friends didn't like her because I was dropping out of the party scene for her. I let their opinions about her effect how I felt, but as soon as she is out of the picture they all quit talking about her and I see clearly again.

It's been two months, which I know isn't very long but she won't even answer my calls. I've given her space, we didn't talk for close to thirty days before I tried to contact her again after those first few weeks. I feel like I really need to talk to her so I can ask her to forgive me, that's the only way I can think of to put enough closure to this that I can function properly. I break down once a week because I just can't hide it anymore. I just don't know what to do. I know I can't make her talk to me. Advice
We do have questions from teenagers here, but we also have quite a number of questions from much older people too. We all face the same problems and issues in love and breakup.

If you break up three times, something is wrong. A breakup is calling it quits on something you have made a commitment to. It's not something that should happen every single year. It sounds like you two were not talking well enough to deal with issues until they came to a serious boil.

Different friends is not a serious issue. Tons of people have different friend groups, and it's part of what makes them interesting. But if you two had very different INTERESTS, that's another matter. People who date should be best friends and should work together to learn about each others worlds. But on the other hand, it's healthy to have your own interests as well. Something was seriously enough wrong between you two to cause you to break up several times. Can it really just be because you enjoyed going to parties and she didn't? I know many, many couples that have one partier and one stay-at-homer and they get along quite well. So what was it?

If she won't answer the phone, maybe it's time for a letter. Tell her that you two were great friends, and that the friendship shouldn't vanish just because you were unable to stay together as partners. Explain what you miss about spending time with her and if you must apologize, apologize. But a relationship always takes two, and if it fails it's because both sides had issues. Maybe when you write the letter she'll realize that she owes it to you as well to put some closure on the relationship.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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