My bf of almost 4 yrs broke up with me over the phone last week

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My bf of almost 4 yrs broke up with me over the phone last week. He played the blame card, we argued a little, and then I pretended that I was okay with it and just asked him to send me my stuff. Deep down inside, I'm not happy with how he "hastily" broke up with me. I feel it's because of school pressure and the fact that I was always upset he couldn't see me some weekends(long distance) or he was too tired to talk over the phone. That past week we have been a bit bitter, but I don't know where it came from. I need closure and want to write him to meet me so we can talk about it and remain as friends--I don't want another enemy in my life. I also feel the need for answers.

Backtracking: We broke up a few months ago for about the same reasons. We were fighting all the time and our last argument led to him calling me out of my name and me slaping him. We broke up for almost 2 weeks and we vowed to show eachother changes. I gave him a second chance; he said he couldn't stand making changes for some other girl to enjoy, he wanted to be with me. That was March '05. We were doing great and he was being a loving a caring long distance bf, until the past few weeks he has been emotionally unavailable... again.

Reality: I realize that I began to fall back into feeling so dependant on him emotionally and not knowing how to resolve my own everyday problems (not seeing that he has his own problems). I kept pressuring for us to plan our future together, to the point that when we got back together he had a bracelet with our names engraved "B & G Forever." Also, because we have the same personalities, I think I nit-pick him for things I don't like in myself. I always try to change him, or suggest he do things a different way, or question things I personally may not like. He didn't feel that the flowers he's sent me since, or seeing me on the weekends or when I was sick helped at all. I actually told him he can't do that and things will be better; that he has to continually work at things (but after reading the website, I see that this is wrong). I don't think he feels, or has ever felt, appreciated by me. I was acting very ungrateful and was very demanding for his time, knowing that he's a Bio major, unlike myself who's a Business major. But I always feel if he loved me he would work at squeezing me in every weekend--NO matter what. ALSO, every argument we have makes him want to break up with me. He's either threatened or actually called things off 4 times and I keep wanting us to fix it. We're both stubborn when angry. I'm overly honest, and he hides a lot. I've met 1 of his friends over the 4 yrs we've been together. And, well, he was litterally my "only" friend for a while.

Bottom line: I see now that saying "I have a bf" gave me confidence in the wrong way. I want to better myself and work at being a Christian. I DON'T want to sever any more relationships with people. What's worse about the whole breakup is that I've lost my best friend. I don't want to loose him as a best friend, but I don't want us hurting eachother aaaanymore. I'm jealous and have a feeling that there is someone else in his heart, and I've actually done a little spywork through his email. But I don't know if these are just my insecurities again. At the same time, I don't want to beg for the relationship back--I feel that if he dumped me over the phone he's not worth it. But come on, 4 yrs? And we lived together at one point?? I just don't want us to hurt, but I don't want my mistakes to push him away like they have. If we were married, would he divorce me at every argument? WHAT SHOULD I DO?? Leave him to go to medical school and talk to him in 6 yrs when he gets out? I'm so confused--should I change? Should I wait for HIM to call? Should I email how I feel? How do I stop getting angry over little things and talk to him like an adult? Or should I just leave him alone? I love him, but I feel I've let him disrespect me. But I want to demand for closure. Advice
You definitely deserve closure after four years. Otherwise you will wonder for years what happened.

Your analysis of your relationship is excellent and in my opinion the major problem is the long-distance romance stress. You both also have trouble arguing constructively where each person feels respected and understood when the argument is over.

It isn't clear whether you want to simply reestablish a friendship and get closure, or whether you want to get back together again. You should try to come to grips with this before talking with him.

My advice is to think real hard and ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship that has such deep cracks in it and which require both of you to work very hard at changing your natures over a long distance.

Good luck!

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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