Carter's my opposite. He's shy, NOT outgoing, nerd, doesn't know how to treat a girl, immature, you name it!
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
"Carter" was in my middle school (between elementary and high school=6th-8th grade) I didn't know he existed til homecoming of my sophomore year (2nd year of high school). But it was love at first sight. He didn't have a date cuz he was one of the "bachelors" in the group and 2 of my gf forced him to come. T* was my bf that time. Carter's my opposite. He's shy, NOT outgoing, nerd, never had a gf, non-gentleman, doesn't know how to treat a girl, immature, you name it! Anyway, Carter and I started out as friends and we both like each other a LOT. He's not that cute but what really caught me off guard are his eyes. They're the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my life....they change colors, he has long eyelashes, and it's just....gorgeous! He's really nice, down to earth, SMART, rich, funny, passionate. His parents are amazing too! I love his mom and his dad! Of course, I'm very experienced with boys...I mean my first ex is hopelessly romantic, 2nd ex is very emotional, but carter...he has no clue! He's not romantic, or emotional, he's very laid back. In fact, he's not the jealous or possessive type at all! Which kept me wondering if he actually cared. I got really annoyed and irritated that he cant treat me right! So many times I wanna break up with him but there's something in me that tells me to just hold on. One reason is because I've never broken up with someone who I will see after the breakup. two, I never had a better bf other than carter because he really cared for me and was there for me and he tried.
I remember how he tried really hard to impress me and please me but it's just not him to be romantic...he tried really hard and I never appreciate anything he does for me. AT ALL! I was blinded...too blinded for my ideal perfect man...yet I stayed with him for fear of the pain I have to endure afterwards. I broke up with him the first 6 months of our relationship but got back after a week because I had a mental breakdown during that week because I still see him and it just drove me nuts. I wasn't happy in that relationship because I was never satisfied. But I didn't see his intentions and how much he cared like that time when I was about to commit suicide because of a lot of things...Carter told the school counselors and told me "Erica, I don't care if you dump me or hate me for life...as long as you're safe" I've been a horrible gf....I mean I always get pissed at him with the silliest reason for something he did or did NOT do like bring me flowers and be sweeter, or do stuff with his friends. I wasn't the jealous type because I trust him and he never cheated on me...he wasn't a flirt like me. I flirted with soo many guys even in front of him and he trusted me. I always talk about T* for 10 months because Carter was a rebound originally. I always try to change him...I'm such a horrible gf. Now that I look back...and put myself in his shoes...I don't ever want to go out with me! And yet...he stayed with me for a year and loved me and cared for me...
The time when it was over...Carter was getting tired of me because of my attitude towards him but he still cared and his german exchange student is coming in our school and spend time here for 3 weeks. Also, right after school ends...Carter is going to Germany for a month with the same exchange student he hosted. The exchange student was a guy by the way. Anyway, a week b4 the exchange student came here...we both agreed to have a "temporary" breakup til Carter gets back here from Germany which is on July 6. First week of the breakup...I was going crazy...I was in the verge of 50% still want to go out with him and 50% of me don't wanna go out with him. I was horrible...he texted me this one time saying "hey...I miss you." I didn't reply, in fact I started to hold hands with other guys in the hallways in front of him and told myself over and over that I want to move on... But...I couldn't...I can't move on til I know 100% it's over. And so, I went up to him and pressured him so much. You know all guys HATES to be pressured. I told him that this temporary breakup is driving me crazy...either we get back together NOW or it's OVER. Of course...he chose it to be over. I cried so much...I haven't cried this much in my entire life...I didn't eat for almost a week....and then...I sent him this letter when his exchange student left. So, he has like 2 months b4 Carter goes to Germany. This was the exact letter I sent him.
I know that we both have the opportunity to choose whether to stay with each other or not. I made my choice and that choice was to be with you. I miss you. I realize that you are free to do whatever you want to do like grow your mustache or something because I know that the last thing we both ever want are restrictions. I知 sorry for being so controlling and needy; I知 working on it because I want to change for the better. I want you to be happy, I care a lot about you and I want to be with you but at the same time, it痴 ok with me if you choose not to be with me. Of course, I値l be hurt because I still have strong feelings for you but, I値l be fine. I hope that you were happy when you were with me. You were my best friend and lover for the past year.
Give me a call in a week when you figure it all out. I hope that痴 enough time for you. If you happen to choose not to be with me, tell me and I値l move on. I never had a better boyfriend and I値l miss you. You値l always have a place in my heart. Best wishes.
Guess what? Carter called me up and said that he wasn't sure. He said "I thought I was over you but then I got your letter...my feelings changed and now I'm so confused. But I know one thing for sure...I don't want a gf and I'm not ready for a relationship. I want to stay single" I asked him "did you love me?" Carter replied "yes, very much" I asked "do you STILL love me?" He said..."I...don't know....I'm so confused." Carter chose not to be with me (can't blame him because of how badly I treated him) because he just wants to stay single and enjoy life without a gf. He was even crying over the phone and says... "this hurts e*...this really hurts." This was the 2nd time I heard him cry over the phone...the first time was when we had a huge fight during our relationship...he said "e*, even though it hurts, I really do prefer you to be with another guy who's romantic and perfect than be with me and be miserable because I can't change...I am who I am..." Who couldn't resist those words? those words made me stay with him and love him more. I remember my sister talked to him and Carter told her that "I hope e* gets a bf this summer who's romantic and perfect so that she won't be lonely but I will always care for her but...I just don't think I'm the guy for her...she's not happy with me and I'm not happy if she's not happy. Also, I really don't want to be in a relationship right now...I just really want to stay single." Carter's friends told me that he's a kid and wants to be a kid and just enjoy life without a gf. anyways, B4 Carter and I hang up on the phone...he said..."e*, I will ALWAYS care for you..."
when I lost him...I felt like dying...I felt like my world ended...I felt weak, vulnerable, I felt like loosing a huge part of me... this is my first REAL relationship...he's my first kiss...first everything other than first bf. When I lost him...I was obsessing over breakup books....I kept myself busy and date other guys but it was him in my mind. Even though I go on dates...all I see is him...everywhere I go...it's him. And guess what? It's been over 3 months already. We broke up on March 16. Our first year anniversary was on March 1. Of course, It was really hard at first because he's in one of my classes and I see him everyday at school. But ever since summer starts, I didn't have to worry about bumping into him because he's in germany til July 6. I miss him. So much.... I realized how important he was in my life. I changed so much....because you know what? I started reading a lot of books about understanding guys. And I used the guys I dated as "experiment" of what to do and how to treat them and they are totally into me because of my responses. Thanks to those books.
Because of the books, I finally understand Carter...I understand the differences between girls and boys. It's HUGE! Now that I look back on how Carter treated me....it was love....he cared for me...he loved me...until now, I can't believe how he could even stand being with me. He has so much patience and he's conservative. My mom totally adores him. Carter did everything to please me...and all he asks for me is space...I didn't give him any. But the point is....I realized my mistakes....I'm different....I make a much better girlfriend...I understand guys more and...I want another chance. But I don't want to chase him....all of guy friends told me that I should treat carter like a scared little puppy. The more I chase him, the more he'll run away...but if I just sit there and wait for him....he'll come to me slowly. So...all I can do is to just let him come to me. I want him back so badly Rea.... If only....he'll give me another chance....I want him to know that I've changed and believe me.....I LOVE him. You know what they say...you can never appreciate what you have til you lose it. My lips never touch any other guys' lips ever since Carter and I broke up. I miss him...
We haven't talked to each other ever since a week after we broke up because I told him I needed space...it's already hard for me to see him in class...it will be harder for me to talk to him...and he respected that. The last day of school....b4 he leaves for Germany, we both ran into each other in the hallways...we looked at each other in the eyes....for a moment then...we both looked away and continued walking opposite direction. never in my life have got over a guy completely without a rebound. my friends made me promise that I will stay single for at least 6 months....b4 being in a relationship but dating is fine. I have 4 guys pursuing me presently but everytime I'm on a date with those guys...I see carter.
I still cry at night...but there's nothing I can do... Even so, I hang out with my friends, go on dates, keeping myself busy but carter's on my mind 24/7. sounds crazy huh? In my dreams...Carter's always in my dreams...always! I tried so hard to let go....I want to move on. It's easier for me now these days because I don't see him...but I will when school starts which is in late Aug. I hope I'm over him by then....or get back together...but I don't want to hope. I'm setting myself up for another heart break. My best bet to get back together with him is to just leave him alone and let him come to me. it hurts....it hurt so much even until now. I put away all the things he gave me in a box and haven't looked at them for so long. I love him....I miss him....
Any comments? Advices? Thanks for taking time into reading my really long story about this bf crap....I'll wait for your reply and take care always. Like I said...I never had a better bf. Carter's coming on July 6...
I must admit your email might be the longest I've ever received at this website.
The reason I mention this is not to put you down but to point out to you that your tendency to analyze so much (and so well) might be overwhelming to "Carter" and might explain why he needs space.
My advice is to not analyze things so much but just go with the flow and let things happen naturally with Carter when he comes back.
When he comes back surprise him by having a German expression to say to him. The expression is "Wie gehts?" (prounounced VEE GATES?). This should get a chuckle out of him and get you off on the right note. (Wie gehts means how are you doing?)
I think when he returns he will be ready to get back into a relationship. That could be you if you don't pressure him. As an example, ask him out for dinner to discuss his trip overseas. Tell him you missed him and see what he says.
You are smart enough to figure out what you need to do to get him back. Use all your skills (the ones you say he lacks) to use romance to bring him back to you. It might not be easy, but give it a shot!
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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There is hope