Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Since my boyfriend and I first met each other we have seen each other every day and every weekend, and we now live together. He never goes away to do something without me, except to go to work. The problem is, if I don't deal with my insecurity and jealousy issues, our relationship is going to crumble. At the same token, there was one time when my fears were confirmed by something he actually did, which he lied to me about, and since then, my insecurity and jealousy has worsened, to the point where we are arguing too frequently, and the arguments primarily stem from my jealousy.
What happened was that one day when I had to go to the doctor after work, he was home a little early (he works in construction and so his departure times vary, but that day was a little odd). When I came home both computers were off, which wasn't normal to me because he likes to use the computer. I asked him had he used the computer and he told me, "no." When I turned on the computer, I looked into the internet history and saw that he had used it, and that he had visited a porn site, which from the looks of things, he didn't go too deeply into it, in fact maybe not even past the first page. I also saw that there were msn public profiles (not personals) with girl's pictures. When I asked him about it, he said that when he had the msn messenger open, a stranger sent him a message, so he went to the msn public directory to try to find them. He said that the profiles came in the search results, and he just looked at them, nothing more. At first I didn't believe that story at all and didn't understand how all this lined up with having girl's pictures, but I later discovered that the majority of the search results in an advanced search on msn member directory (for our city) does retrieve girl's profiles. The fact that he looked at them in more detail could have just been for funnies or something, although I thought it was weird he had the messenger open at all. He uses it very occasionally to communicate with his brothers in Mexico, but I don't recall seeing him open it up regularly when he used the internet, which made it odd to me that he opened it the day I wasn't there.
He told me that he would never look at the porn again, and that when he did open it up, he realized that I probably wouldn't like it, and he closed it. He said that he was not looking to meet anybody on the profiles, nor even chat with anyone, and that he loves me, never had any thought of cheating on me and never will. He claims he has never slept with anyone else as long as he has known me, and that I am the woman he wants to be with. What scares me is the fact that he lied about using the computer at all, it makes me think that if he ever did do anything I wouldn't know about it, because I clearly assured him that if anything has or ever does happen our relationship will be over. I do not want to put up with a cheater because I know that with one I'll never be happy.
You need to lighten up some.
You are in the grip of the nasty jealousy habit and it is causing stress on your relationship.
He sounds sincere to me and you should trust him.
Fight those jealous feelings by attacking them with statements like "Go away, I am a worthy person and he loves me." After doing this a thousand time (I'm not exaggerating) the jealous thought will give up on trying to bug you and go away.
Tell him that you are working on your bad habit and you need his support in doidng it. That doesn't mean he has to live in a POW camp either. Sometimes the tighter you try to hold something the more it wants to get away.
Good luck to the both of you,
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com