after hurting her as much as I must have, how can she trust me again?
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
Recently my girlfriend and I split up after almost 3 years. Over the last month we have had fights, said many things that were very curel, and now are talking as friends again-online and on the phone- I know that my jealousy, always being concerned about her cheating on me, was a big part of why our relationship went the way that it did. The reason, I guess, that I got so jealous was that when she saw male friends she wouldn't introduce me and in one case started whispering and giggling with the other guy. Also, she is very absent-minded and recently told me that she would call me when she reached the baseball stadium, since she was on a senior class trip, but four hours later she called! And when I got upset, she told me I was being rediculous and had no right to be upset about the excessively late phone call. Recently I have had to find out that my father, adoptive, has cheated on my mother, which is the way that her first marriage ended, and I have been cheated on by evey person that I have dated which I always thought about eventhough I know, and she tells me, that she would never do something like that. Additionally, I did have a fairly disfunctional childhood.
The only problem is that I care deeply for her and love her very much, and she says that she recipricates the feelings but thinks that we should wait a little while before trying to get back together. What I would like to know is how can I over come my jealousy, since alot of it comes from my very low self-esteem? Why I justified in being upset in those situations? and Lastly, after hurting her as much as I must have, how can she trust me again? Any help would be greatly appriciated!
You've got a lot of past history which is causing you troubles.
But you need to focus on the present and future. One thing you can do is to stop being so jealous. When your girlfriend doesn't introduce you, reach out your hand and introduce yourself. Pretty soon she will catch on. Don't get all hyper if she forgets to call... everyone does that from time to time.
Your self-esteem needs to be built up. The way to do it is to fight against the negative feelings that arise. Tell them "I am a good, strong person and I'm not going to listen to you anymore." Keep saying that to the feelings and pretty soon they will be replaced by feelings that say that you are a good and strong person.
To get her back, think of your three best qualities (for example, honestly, intelligence, and faithfullness. Emphasize these with her when you interact and she will respond well.
At the same time, think of your three worst qualities (for example, jealousy, worrying, and dwelling in the past). Work to de-emphasize these when you interact with her and she will like you more for it.
Tell her you really love her and that you are going to clean up your act and she will take you back eventually.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com