I'm Super Jealous of my Ex
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I were together for over three years. We started going out when we were sophomores in high school, so he was my first everything and so important to me. While we were together, I became very emotionally attached him to and also had serious problems of always being jealous and starting little fights between us just so I could see his reaction.
Well close to a year ago he broke up with me, and I still can not get over him. I have dated other guys in the meantime, but I always get sick of them and go back to my Ex. We go to the same college so I see him a lot, and I want to because I do miss him as a friend. I am still in love with him I think, but I know I don't want to be with him because I want to be single also.
The problem is that since I can not get over him, and I am already a jealous person, I flip out when he is with other girls. I found out he kissed another girl, and I was so upset and I just could not take it. But when I kissed other guys, I didn't think it would be a big problem at all.
I want more than anything to be friends with him, but I just don't know how that can possibly work. I just want to be happy again and I want him in my life. How can I look past my jealous feelings and how I feel about him, so him and I can be true friends?
Jealousy can be a REALLY damaging emotion - not just for the person you're constantly harassing with it, but also for yourself. Most of us want to be happy, and when you're jealous, you're not happy. Instead you're upset and afraid and angry. So it's in your own best interest to try to deal with this.
I have a page on tips about jealousy -
It comes down to feeling good about yourself, and not allowing that feeling to be "damaged" by what someone else does. Just because your ex kisses other women, it doesn't mean ANYTHING about how he felt about you when he was with you. It's not that they're better or sexier or anything else. Also, just because your ex is not with you, it doesn't mean he should become a monk. Yes, he cared for you when he was with you. But he still deserves pleasure in his life! And kissing is one way he finds that pleasure. So you should be happy for him that he's finding pleasure in life, and it shouldn't affect your own self esteem that he is doing so.
Any time you start to feel a twinge of jealousy, remind yourself of that. Remember, this is all in your HEAD :) So you have to fight that there. You have to retrain your brain to stop thinking that way. One way that works well that I list on the tip page is to get yourself bored with the jealousy. Right now it hits you hard when it comes up. Make yourself realize it's not that bad.
Get a tape and tape yourself talking about a trigger situation - like seeing your boyfriend kissing a girl. Describe it in gory detail. Now play it over and over and over again. Listen really hard to it. Sure, it'll trigger jealousy the first time. Maybe the first 10 times. But after a while you'll get sick of it. And you'll say "SO WHAT!!!" You have to get to that point, when you realize, so what! He's having fun kissing someone. I *want* him to be happy and have fun. I'm a good kisser and I have my own guys. What he does doesn't have any effect on my desireability.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com