My Ex-Fiance is Going Too Slowly
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My ex-fiance and I have decided to see each other and take things slow. The problem is every other week, she says we are going to fast. Yet, we only see each other maybe two times a week, and all we have done is kiss. She did this 2 weeks ago, and I said fine, we wont talk or see each other for a few weeks, then 2 days later she calls me, and we start hanging out together. Then, she pulled this again last Thursday, saying again we are going to fast, and how she doesnt think its right that we should jump right back together until she is by herself for awhile.
She said she loves me and wants to be with me, yet wants to make sure she can be by herself...almost just to prove to people that she can. I asked her...do you love me? She said yes. I asked her...are you happy when we are together? She said yes. So I told her it makes no sense not to be with someone just to prove a point.
I'm getting to the point where I cant deal with this yo-yo effect, and I dont know what to do. I feel like I am short changing myself, and deserve more then this, yet at the same time I love her. If I really love her, should I wait, and risk a few months down the road that she decides she doesnt want me? Is that fair to me?
We agreed we wouldnt talk or see each other for a week ( Until VDay)...but I really dont see what that is going to prove. She I end this now, before it drags out even longer? The only thing is we have a cruise planned for the first week of March that is already paid for. I dont know if I should give up...or wait it out.
It sounds like what she's trying to figure out is if she's coming back to you just because she's lonely, or if she's really coming back to you because of YOU and your relationship with her. Which is a pretty valid concern. In essence she's on the rebound right now. You guys had a break and she was dealing with all the "can I survive without him??" sorts of thoughts. So getting back together again so quickly is interfering with the normal healing process.
If you guys do marry, that's a lifetime. Say 60 years or more. That's a LONG long time to spend together. Taking another year right now is hardly anything in comparison, and it can be very important in both of you really knowing and accepting that it's the right thing to do. There's no rush - there is an entire lifetime there that we're talking about.
If you pressure her into a choice right now, that will be a big crack in the foundation of your relationship. A relationship only works when both people actively choose the action and work together on it. If one person is sort of dragged into it, that will always be a strong memory and a point of contention.
If you really do love her, and she loves you, take your time and come together slowly. Know that you both really want this and will know when you're both ready. If you're not willing to wait the year or so for things to solidify slowly and naturally, then it really doesn't sound like you're ready to face the remaining 60+ years together either. Relationships change slowly, they grow slowly and they are about taking thick and thin and lasting through time. They are definitely NOT quick-fix and quick-change things.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com