Open relationship doesn't work out
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My ex and I were dating 3.5 years. He cheated on me. I pushed him because i was always suspicious of him. He told me he didn't care if I slept with anyone else because he dosen't see it as cheating unless their are emotions invovled. I slept with his best friend. I told him (his best friend would have never said anything). At first he said it didn't bother him and he was glad I told him and that it was ok because he had set out the guidelines. Then when we got back home together, a week later he got really mad and left - and hasn't come back. We talked 3 days later and decided to be friends for now and see where it took us. He wanted to leave all doors open to see if we could work it out and start our relationship from scratch. It was all going really well. It was obvious the feelings were still there every time we saw each other but we kept them in check and just hung out normally. Then, one day, he changed. It wasn't the same. He used to call and now he dosen't - there used to be feelings and now he seems bitter. He came to a bar I was at one night and sat beside me all night. We talked about random things, he talked to others, and then he was on his phone text mssging with someone in front of me and laughing. I think he was doing it to make me jelous. The girl that has been leaching on him since our break up was downstairs at the bar and I think he was mssging with her. He told a mutual friend he was going home to get laid by her and then he left. He hasn't acted the same towards me lately and has totally gone for the rebound rather then travelling the high road and trying to work it out between us. I KNOW the feelings are still there - everyone can see it but he is doing everything in his power to get over me. He even started talking to his friend (the one I slept with) last night and apparently they were joking around. I feel like because he was so hurt he is trying to form a little army.
When this first started he was desperate for us to keep trying and to work this out. He cried, wrote me love notes and kept working at it... now with this rebound girl he seems to be trying everything to give it up.
I am not sure what to do at this point. I have made some siginfigant changes to myself - changes I know he needed to see... but I think he is so hurt with not feeling needed by me that he is revolting and doing all these things to hurt me. How do I get through this with him? Should I keep in contact with him? I have been advised by some to give him his space but I am afraid we will just grow more distant and he will get more bitter because I am not in any contact with him. I just don't understand how he could want this to work so badly just 3 weeks ago and in 4 days totally turn around.
Please help - I really don't know what move to make next. We live in a really small town and have all mutual friends. The situation is just getting ugly.
Since these things happened so quickly, my advice is to let things be and stay close to him as a friend.
Given some time, things may come back together again and you will be ok. Meanwhile keep the door open. Find out, if you can, whether your choice of his best friend was part of the problem. It would help him if he could vocalize this.
Sorry you are in this situation!
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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