Talk to her

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been dating this girl FOR ABOUT 4-months.. Prior to that I was married for about 8-years and have 2-children from that marriage. She hass spent time with my kids and gets along very well with my ex-wife; there seems to be no problems with that at all..She really adores my kids and they her. BTW, I am 29 and she is 22. Prior to our relationship she was dating the same guy for about 4-years. He was very controlling and intimidating towards her. He would do things like tell her what she could and could not wear and who she could associate with. well needless to say he had broken up with her twice to pursue a relationship with someone from his past which failed and then he would beg her back swearing that he had changed. she would take him back only to learn that nothing had changed at all. Well, now her and I are starting to get very serious in our relationship but he still calls and shows up at her house and gets her all upset sometimes and other time tries to woo his way back into the picture with the same old "I've changed" crap. I try to be understanding and take the position that it doesn't involve me because it is her past and not my place to dictate to her what she should do. But, it is growing tiresome. They have been broke up for like a year and she still takes his calls and discusses details of our relationship with him; mostly telling him how wonderful I am and how I treat her better than he did. I really don't think this is appropiate. Am I wrong about that? I just want him to leave us alone and let her get on with her life, but he doesn't seem to get it. And now I am starting to wonder if maybe I am just the rebound guy to make him jealous.. Also, there is a picture of him and her that still hangs in her parents living room ater they have been broken up for a year. I do know that her parents really like me and are very happy that she is happier with me, but it is all still very awkward.. I think they are intimidated by this guy..(he is a pretty big guy) he is only 22 as well as her, and he is very immature.. I often wonder if this will lead to an altercation between him and I.. I don't play those highschool kind of games anymore.. Am I just tripping about all of this or is there something to it. I really am falling in love with this girl... but I don't want to set myself up to have my heart broken by her..she seems very mature and we enjoy a very stimulating relationship. As well, I don't want my children to get attached to her and then her be gone... what do you think?

Anxiously awaiting your reply... Advice
You have analyzed the situation very well and seem to be very much in control of yourself. It is good that you are not trying to control her. What you need to do is have a good long honest conversation with her and explain to her what you just wrote here. Let's hope she is not as immature as her ex is and that she can discuss this with you rationally. When you talk with her, choose some time when you are alone and have time for a good talk-- for example after a nice cozy dinner out.

Good luck and I hope things turn out the way you want,

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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