Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
This is going to be lengthy...
I met this guy nearly a year ago, in college, he wasn't exactly my usual type but we started hooking up and seeming to hit it off. I begin to fall in love with him, and when I tell him this he informs me that there is a girl back home that he was looking to pursue a relationship with, but that he wasn't with her yet. This continued to stretch on and he and I had quite a few issues. I suffer from depression and he's on Wellbutrin for something.. and everything got really skewed. When Spring Break rolled around he went home for the duration, and he promised me that he wouldn't sleep with her, but he did, within twenty-four hours of making that promise. I ended up being a wreck and he drove all the way back to see me and comfort me...
This continued to go on throughout the rest of the semester, a kinda dramatic, tempestuous thing. Last day of the semester he ripped my heart out, and I ended up breaking his computer monitor. We sorta apologized to each other, he was dick to me still, and he left to go home to her, presumably to NEVER show up in my life again. Over the summer I started to move on, even though I had a lot of feelings for him, but I was getting over it. He starts messaging me, e-mailing me, and calling me... professing his love and how he'll be able to weather my emotions.. and he rekindles the guttering spark that had been my love for him. In fact he managed to fan it into an inferno. He moves all the way out here, leaving his family, his friends, his job behind... I was happy, until the weather started changing and my depression started a savage, miserable spiral. I became paranoid, suspicious, over-reactive and cried all the time. He had invited the other girl out here to go to school, and he talked to her fairly regularly. He swore to me that they were merely friends, but when Thanksgiving had rolled around... it was her that was invited to spend it with his family, not me.
He told me that I was being irrational for being upset at that, and it sparked a great deal of shit. I was depressed, and now excluded.. and my distrust of him seemed validated, but he couldn't understand the reason. He started behaving very coldly toward me, wouldn't tell me that he loved me anymore, and seemed to be waiting for an excuse to make a run for it. And I, in the state I was in, gave it to him. I looked in his e-mail and found some very questionable messages... both in the inbox and the outbox. He was complaining to her about how miserable I was making him, about how I was crazy, about how he wished she was out here.
Of course, I turned into a blubbering fool, because I was in no condition to handle this, and I tried to get ahold of my one friend. She wasn't picking up her phone, so, I called her boyfriend to try and find her. Her boyfriend happened to be my guy's best friend out here. He quizzed me as to why I was sobbing, promised not to tell my guy about it until I talked to him...
As soon as I hung up.. he told him.
My guy came up, moved everything out, and refused to talk to me. He went to his family's for thanksgiving, had sex with her.. and then talked to me the following Sunday night. He told me that he wasn't going to give up on us, but, he also wasn't going to invest anything in it either....
I've been struggling the past month.. getting on anti-depressants, talking to counselers, scheduling appointments with shrinks to try and deal with my emotional him space.
I find out that he and the other girl are getting an apartment together, he doesn't want to live with me, but he'll live with her. He swears they're nothing more than friends, but I'm not sure if I can believe that....
And he holds that against me...
I love him dearly, even though he has been a jerk, because he's the only guy I've been with that's been willing to come back to me/take me back.. when I've lost it. However, he tells me, right when I'm trying to remedy myself, that he can't handle the emotional problems I have, even though he'd told me, swore to me, promised me that he could handle them before.
He doesn't comprehend my discomfort with him splitting an apartment with an ex... And even though he'd told me before that he wasn't giving up on anything, he keeps telling me that I'm never going to benefit him or fit into his life....

I want to salvage things with him. I love him dearly.. I just don't know if I should even try anymore... or if it's even possible..
What should I do? Advice
My advice is to drop him... all he is doing is causing you misery. His behavior is reprehensible. Once you truly drop him in your heart, many of your psychological problems will lessen. It's the SAD season now... can you afford to take a quick vacation to a nice sunny place? That would do worlds of good for you. As hard as it is, find things to do to take your mind off of him. If you like music, listen to it... it will either soothe you or pep you up depending on your preference.

The key is to leave him behind. You will find someone new.

Good luck

Happy holidays!

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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