She Slept with a Guy and Didn't Tell Me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I've known my girlfriend for a few years. We started getting serious recently. Around that time she told me that she got a ride home from one of her guy friends. I was somewhat curious as to why a guy picked her up on the street and drove her home. Last week I seen that she had called this guy on her phone but she was reluctant to tell me. I didnt want her talking to this guy because he only wanted sex from her. It was the same guy that gave her the ride home. Today she told me that she had sex with him that day he drove her home. What should I do about this or how should I feel. Right now I feel betrayed and its hard for me to trust her.
It's very reasonable for you to feel betrayed - she did betray you and your trust, and in essence only told you because you caught her hand in the cookie jar. Because of that, you really don't have any guarantee that she won't do it again, and you'll never know unless you happen to again catch her at it.
She needs to understand that a relationship is founded on honesty and trust. That's the main thing that holds two people together through thick and thin. If you can't trust this person that you call "partner" to be there for you when the going gets rough, really, what is that person there for? If you're worried about the person who is "watching your back" perhaps stabbing you in your back, it's pretty much better to be alone. Betrayal is just about THE most damaging thing you can possibly do to a relationship, because now, how can you trust them?
Some of it comes down to her. Does she realize what a serious thing she did? Why didn't she tell you? To protect herself? How do you know she won't just lie in future situations when she doesn't feel like facing up to the responsibility of what she did? What else has she done that she didn't tell you because of her fears? Will she be more honest in the future? A relationship is about two people sharing everything about themselves and not holding back. Life is too short to be with someone that treats you like a parent to hide from instead of a partner.
The other side of it is you. Yes, she betrayed you. People do stupid things sometimes. But maybe she was just young, and she's learned her lesson and now understands the real meaning of honesty and trust. But it'll take you a while to rebuild that trust with her, to really be able to believe her and not wonder if she's lying to you again. You have to commit to that, to be patient, to try to trust again, to not let this haunt you. If this ends up seriously damaging how you look at her so that you can never trust her again, it'd be better to find someone new that you can trust. Being with someone that you can't trust is really not a good life to lead.
I have many tips on the site about getting over a cheating situation. Hopefully some will help out.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com