She's Always Flirting with Other Guys

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Just recently I met a beautiful girl and I spent three weeks of my vacation with her. We both had a great time and exchanged word “love”. After the vacation our relationship became long distance as we both live in different countries, I live in the US and she in Europe. We talk a lot on the telephone, keep in touch through e-mail and planning her visit to the US. We have plans for another four-week vacation in order to get to know each other better.

My intention towards her is very genuine and if everything goes right I would like to offer her to stay with me longer hoping for long relationship and even further commitment. We discussed that scenario and she seemed very interested, and willing to end her career, leave her friends, family and come live with me. I have to also add that she is well educated, very intelligent, good looking, financially OK. She has also a strong personality (belongs to women who know what they want), and although sometimes frustrated with her job, in my opinion she is not desperate to leave the country in search of better life in the US.

My concern is about genuineness of her feelings towards me. Reason why I have the concern is my observation of her behavior during the time we were together. When we were out I noticed that she is often checking out other guys and trying to make an eye contact with them. In restaurants she always positioned herself in such a position to be able see coming or seating at the table people. She repeatedly looked especially in the direction of a man or a group of men.

My another concern is situation when we had a conversation. Sometimes it was evident that she was not listening to what I was saying.

Do I have basis for the concern or is this just behavior of a jealous man? Is the way she behaved a sign of something more serious to come or is this just a normal behavior of person who likes to flirt? Is her flirting in the presence of a new boyfriend to whom she whispered “love” a sign of future relationship problems? Am I just madly in love and I don’t see clearly?
Thanks in a advance for your advice. Advice
On one hand, a core part of many European cultures is heavy flirting. It's very natural for Europeans to flirt with anyone and everyone that comes along, to be friendly, and to have fun with it. They constantly practice flirting in essence, so that way when they run into someone really special they are already fluent in all the flirting methods.

On the other hand, if YOU were that someone really special for her, her flirting talents should then have been used to make YOU feel special. That's the whole point of being a great flirt! It is NOT *ever* to make the person you feel with feel badly because you're ignoring your partner while flirting with others. For her to actively flirt with other people, and not pay attention to things you're saying, and deliberately angle herself so that she's watching others and not you - none of that seems right.

If you were her girlfriend and the two of you were out having fun, that would be one thing. But you were her *date* and you are the one she should have been using her flirting talents on. To have you feeling left out and ignored while she checked out other guys actively is just not right.

There can definitely be a love-rush while you're on vacation with a beautiful partner. You have the whole vacation high going, the whole new-love thing going, the whole freedom from normal cares and worries. That's why shipboard cruise romances are such a cliche! It is pretty much guaranteed to happen. The question is how the relationship holds up under REAL conditions in the real world.

I would make the next four week vacation *not* a vacation. Make it much more a real life situation. The thing you're testing out is if you two can *live* together, not if you can party together. Those are two very different things. See if things like shopping together, handling chores, doing dishes, all of those work out. See if she chafes at not being able to be out flirting with other guys when she's with you.

It may be that she thought it was a cool idea to go to the US but that she's still actively seeking "the perfect guy". Maybe she loves you more as a friend. There's no way to know, and if you ask her she might not be very truthful about it if she is interested in the US. So bring her over, and see how it works out. Maybe after the 4 weeks with you she will realize you ARE the one for her and start paying more attention to you (or at least less on actively ogling other guys).

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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