Man is too adventurous for her
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been living with my boyfriend for over a year now. He is a very flirtatious and fun guy. I'm 25 yrs old and he is 37 yrs old. I work with elderly alzheimer's patients, he has a B.S. in psychology and works with children in the community. I adore him and hope to be with him for a very long time. One of the main blocks in our relationship is my inability to let go of my insecurities and jealousy. Many things trigger a jealous and fearful reaction in my mind, and sadness and loneliness in my heart.
Let's start with the intimate girlfriends he keeps. These are women who he has developed "long" term friendships with (generally he has known them for less than 3 years). I can think of three good examples, all of whom he has considered for serious relationships in the past.
One is his age or a little older, they have had sexual intercourse in the past and she still confides in him regularly. Her relationship with him only mildly bothers me because she treats me with respect most of the time, while sometimes she seems to wedge herself between him and I, to be closer to him. He allows this and blames me when I get upset. Sometimes it appears as if the two of them enjoy making fun of my jealousy and insecurity.
The next example is a girl, young enough to be his daughter, which is one reason he gives for refusing to date her seriously. Still, they were 'make out buddies' for a time, and it used to be that whenever she'd come around he would pour all of his attentions on to her and her girlfriends, ignoring me, even if I was right next to him. Many of our friends have describe her as a 'siren of the sea' and she obviously thrives on the attention she receives from the many men that adore her. It has been the topic many discussions between us and now he, at least, strains not to completely ignore me when she is around. I am afraid that he resents me for making it a problem and taking away from his good times with her.
The third example frightens me the most. A former co-worker of his, they have been intimate but not had sex. They met while he was with his last girlfriend (who he complains was a total jealous nag, who he did eventually cheat on, and then she cheated on him). They have been affectionate friends for 4 years. She calls him poopy head and complains when he forgets to return her calls. He has asked me not to get jealous of her and not to interfere in their relationship, so I don't say anything when my feelings start to bubble. She recently ended a relationship, that she had been in for as long as my boyfriend has known her, and moved to our small town. He tells me to expect to see her more often and still, not to get involved in their relationship.
Recently, I was sent out of town, with short notice, for two days to accompany a vacationing client. Meanwhile, my boyfriend spent the unexpected ďfree timeĒ with girl # 3. Supposedly, just one evening. Supposedly he wanted to see her new place and they just chatted. I was hurt. I felt taken advantage of. It was as if he had avoided mentioning a desire to go see her, so that he could do it on the sly when the right opportunity presented itself. How am I going to be able to go out of town, without wondering about whether or not he is taking the opportunity to cozy up to another woman? Am I wrong for feeling taken advantage of? Could it be that he is just waiting for me to go away long enough for him hook up with other women? Could he be purposely trying to insight jealously in me, to gain power in our relationship? Why does he stimulate such distance between me and his female friends? He certainly doesnít want to go hang out with her now that Iím back in town and never mentioned any interest in spending private time with her before I went out of town.
On top of all this, he has a daily porn habit, and keeps memberships with at least two online swing clubs. I'm glad that he doesn't hide these from me but I wish that he didn't need them and I don't understand why he has to fill his mind with objectified women. He regularly asks me if I would swap partners or have sex with him while another couple is having sex near us or let him watch another guy have sex with me and maybe let him join in or let him watch another girl have sex with me and maybe let him join in. He doesn't admit it directly but I regularly get the feeling that these requests are meant to lead to us having an open sexual relationship in which he can sleep with whom ever he pleases. Sometimes he'll see a certain type of girl and say objectifying things like 'I'd love to see her in a smut film.' I think he is disappointed in me for being so straight.
I was raised to believe that sex is to be between two people and adding more people draws from the uniqueness and beauty of the experience. Still, I have considered these requests seriously and pained myself in refusing. And even now I wonder if inviting someone else into our bed might ease some of his less appealing neglectful and critical tendencies.
For my part, I know that I have abandonment issues. I became a ward of the state when I was 15 and have only seen my mother twice since then and spoken to her only a handful of times. I have a conscious acceptance of my orphan hood and feel a great barrier between myself and my siblings. I have been in therapy and read many self help books in search of a solution to my feelings of loneliness and solitude. Currently, Iím learning to meditate from Osho's Book of Secrets in the hopes that I will learn to redirect my negative emotions. I know that my insecurities have a base in my childhood experiences but I am unable as of yet to resolve these feelings.
In our day to day lives our relationship is great. We have a sex life that is fulfilling for me and him (for the most part, I think). He treats me well and we have only had a yelling match once in our relationship, during which we were both intoxicated, and quickly made up. Mostly we communicate well with each other. He is generally supportive of my endeavors. Neither of us wants children and both have plans for early retirement and travel. We are regularly told that we make a great couple and many friends would be surprised if we ended our relationship.
I am afraid that these feelings of jealously are taking a toll on both of myself and my boyfriend that may eventually lead to our relationships doom and deep emotional trauma. I am afraid that this problem is all in my head. I am afraid that every time I discuss my feelings with him, I'm pushing him away. I'm afraid that I have found myself in a relationship that will lead to more pain in my life. Is it possible that his behavior with women relates to some emotional addiction? Do you have any advice you can give that might help me resolve this problem and keep my man? I need help resolving these fears and opening myself to a beautiful future with my love!
Lost in Love's Trappings
P.s. sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be in this relationship or any relationship at all because all any man really wants out of a relationship is steady sex, and that makes me sad
Let me answer your p.s. first: all men DO want regular sex, some daily, some weekly, some monthly etc. And, men want more than sex out of a relationship.
Overall I sympathize with your predicament. Two people who get along fabulously but the male is sexually more adventurous than the woman. In my opinion he is WAY beyond just adventurous and you have every right to be jealous.
One way to resolve the jealousy is to get rid of him... and that is my advice. Another way is to go along with some of his ideas (baby steps) to see how you feel about that reality. He might just back down if you don't resist him.
Am not really comfortable with this advice, but it is the best I can do with a bad situation.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com